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Read Letter

A Woman Is A Knowledge Project

Dear Jack,

I see that things have improved tremendously between you and Anne. Always remember: a woman is a knowledge project. The more you understand the mystery of the woman the more enhanced and fulfilling your relationship will be.

I want to highlight for you one of the classical assumptions of men. It’s a hero mindset and it’s a good thing, but it’s not always appropriate. You see, men always assume that women want them to be Mr. Fixit!

When a woman presents a problem (or something bothering her) a man immediately begins to think of how to fix it! When next she presents a problem the man is afraid of confronting another instance of impotence. And when he can’t “fix it”, he feels impotent and sad. (Men believe money and network are the solution to everything!) He withdraws a bit, projects an alter ego so he doesn’t come in contact with the new issue. Some just brush it off! To him, she’s come to add another problem to the pile on his tray. (Men treat problems like executives with in and out trays). And because he has problems of his own, he doesn’t want another item added to his unresolved pile. He sends out a signal to that effect and the woman becomes frustrated and confused. Where is she supposed to turn?! It’s not healthy for her and it is not healthy for the relationship because she’ll find an outlet. Her temperament determines what happens next but most internalise the frustration. And that’s not healthy.

Learn this: sometimes all she wants is a listening ear! Give her undivided attention. Drop your phone. Allow her to vent. She may be having problems at work, or in school. Don’t be tempted to reply one or two soft barbs about you not giving her opportunity to vent. It’s part of the narrative. The venting may take 30 minutes, or more. It’s almost like a recording. Let the tape run. Just let her pour it out and, problem solved! Even you will feel the weight lift from the room.

A woman has the power to fill an entire house with her mood and feelings. Moods have weight. She will ALWAYS turn to you for emotional ventilation. You will always have the right of first refusal. Better accept!

You must develop patience, and emotional capacity. (She actually helps you develop patience). She doesn’t know that beyond a threshold you can become afraid. That you have exposure limits. This emotional demand sucks at your limited emotional energy. But she doesn’t know you’re limited. Can’t understand. Boys lack depth of emotional capacity, but older people have it. And the wider the age gap the more capacity she expects.

Now you see why a girl fights her boyfriend “without reason”. She’s emotionally frustrated but doesn’t know it rationally. Again, you see why some young women prefer much older men. They have the maturity, capacity and experience. And you see the problem of an older woman with a young man. If he’s not extra matured, she’ll be emotionally unresolved. (*He doesn’t get it! Just wants sex! And men’s toys! And football! It’s all about Man U not Woman U!*).

The issue of emotional capacity also explains the sometimes rambunctious fights in a young couple’s marriage. When she wants to “talk” a woman expects you to drop everything, immediately, and give her attention. She has those moments, and if you send out a signal that you’re busy the “moment” passes. She can’t readily open up moments after the “moment”. It’s gone back in. She’s sensitive about her moments. And because you didn’t give her “that” moment she’ll read it that “you never have time” for her! It’s hyperbolic but that’s her thought reality. And she’ll mention instances when she gets the chance to ventilate. Only after that does she go to the issue in question. Don’t defend yourself! It’s part of your learning process.

Well, bye for now. Let’s talk next week. Need to discuss your finance with you.

Your mentor, LA


©Leke Alder 2013


Tags : Emotional capacity, Attention, Listen

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