My dear Jil,
I’m glad you found my last mail to you most instructive.
Today, I want to open your understanding to the mechanics of the thinking of men. It’s something many women can’t grapple with, though I dare say the reverse is even truer.
The woman has been a mysterious and curious creation to generations of men. The Holy Book tells us Adam was asleep when Eve was created. That explains our cluelessness!
I’m going to give you two words – “traits” and “projection.” Those two words are at the root of men’s perspective of women. The link between the two will become obvious but let us first understand the “trait” parameters.
Men use four trait parameters to judge women: physical traits, personality traits, emotional traits and character traits.
Physical traits are clear. What do you look like is the critical question. Don’t believe a man who says looks don’t matter. Men are vainglorious by genetic wiring. The social value of your looks matters to a man. You must have social value. Men don’t care whether you wear Brazilian, Peruvian, African or Martian hair as long as you look good! Men are very concerned about boasting rights. They are incredibly socially competitive.
The second of the traits that matter to men is personality trait. Men are drawn to personality. Different strokes for different folks though. Some want buoyant personalities, some want serene personalities. The thing to note is that these two traits – physical and personality traits – are the traits of attraction for men. But on their own they can’t sustain a relationship with a man. Relationship sustainers are the other two traits – character and emotional traits.
Character traits for men is disposition to doing good and being helpful. But it also means respectability as well as being respectful. Men want respect! A man doesn’t like being put down before third parties and that includes members of your family. He’ll appreciate you more if you cover his shame.
When it comes to emotional traits, know that men love peace. The more peaceable you are the greater your value. Men can’t handle trouble or troublesomeness. They run away. Some unfortunately become vicious. They can’t handle rejection or emotional unpredictability either. Moodiness is a tough nut for men to crack. It’s confusing! I do understand that women use moods to draw attention. (For some women, it’s a tool of control).
If your moodiness is habitual, men respond in either of two ways: they either ignore you or they leave you! Moodiness is dangerous. Over-employed, it leads to depression, of both parties! And depression is not something you want to joke with. Ask your mental health practitioner. Don’t play with darkness. You’ll destroy everything you hold dear. You don’t shine brighter as a star in that type of darkness. When moodiness becomes an effective means of expression of displeasure, it is converted into an implement of war. It is at that point that a woman becomes moody for the sake of being moody and the punishment of the partner begins! And if it’s not effective, anger will creep in. And then bitterness. You’ve unleashed the forces of hell! Learn to think happy thoughts. There are safer ways of drawing attention.
And so you attract a man with physical and personality traits. But you maintain relationship with him with emotional and character traits.
Now, remember that I gave you two words at the beginning of this letter: “traits” and “projection”. Let’s now talk about projection.
Well, men always project. It is the basis of their decisions. The logic goes something like this: If she can spend $5,000 on a bag, that means she will… If she can be this rude to an elderly woman that means she will… Projection explains why quarrels escalate over what a woman considers a trifle. It also explains a man’s reaction to certain gestures when he’s broke! The ability to project is amoral however. It can be used to channel negative or positive thoughts.
I strongly believe that God gave men this capability to enable the development of vision. A man must have vision. A man must have a desire to become something significant.
Well, I’ve given you so much information today. Don’t want to overload you. I’ll write again next week.
Your mentor, LA.
©Leke Alder 2013