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Read Letter

Recurring Decimal

Dear Jack,

You had a horrific experience with your last girlfriend. I’ll advice you avoid dating the same type of woman again.

Now, it’s going to take a lot for you to wean yourself off your acquired taste for pain and difficulties. Takes effort. The mind can actually get attuned to acceptance of emotional cruelty. It’s why you’re considering dating someone like the woman you described. The problems are so obvious!

You’ve been psychologically conditioned by your past relationship. It’s what you’re used to, what you’re familiar with – what you know. It’s what your system understands. It’s also why you’re finding this other nice woman very strange. You’re not used to peace and kindness. You’re not used to being treated nicely, not being taken for granted. You have cultural shock from kindness. 

Men are prone to repetitive relationship mistakes, especially in a rebound circumstance. Thus they end up dating the same kind of woman who gave them grief. It’s the psychological conditioning. Sometimes the psychographic similarities between two women can prompt repetitive desire. Sometimes it’s physical.

Men tend to go for templates, they date templates. Because your last girlfriend is slim and light you are attracted to the same features in this woman you’re considering. Her physical attributes are triggering a desire for what you’re used to. You’re lusting after pain, again. Rebuffing Repetitive Date Syndrome (RDS) is not easy I concede. (Just coined the term by the way. It’s not scientific).

Indeed the more I think about life the more I realise we need to beg God to save us from our lusts. False programming blinds one from seeing dangerous realities. It makes wrong attributes attractive, even exciting. This woman you’re considering seems unforgiving to me. Your mail said that much though not in so many words.

She’s beautiful but you can’t offend her. That’s a warning sign right there! The problem with young men is that they tend to ignore warning signs, even when there’s amplification. Signals can be amplified through a simple quarrel. That little quarrel can lead to an exhibition of terrible flaws.

A guy who beats up a woman during an argument is exhibiting terrible flaws for instance. That’s why they say you don’t have a relationship until you quarrel. A quarrel throws up fault lines. You have a desirability/impossibility conundrum. You desire this lady strongly but she has painful flaws that make relationship practically impossible. It’s frustrating. No matter how strongly you want the relationship it can’t work! The flaws are overwhelming.

And people sometimes go into hopeful relationships believing they can mend or ammend someone. The last time I checked only God has that capacity. If a woman won’t let go of hurts… If she keeps a record of wrongs… If she can’t forgive a slight… Her bitterness and unforgiveness will eventually multiply forward. They accumulate and harden her.

Same for men. Some men are so unforgiving they become wicked. Sometimes the problem is from youth: An abusive father, an irresponsible mother, a terrible uncle, a cruel guardian…hurts and pain… If a woman won’t let go of such heavy yoke the past will eventually destroy the beauty of her relationship. A wrecking ball from the past swings into the future. Unless we halt the momentum.

Letting the past be is a decision. Some people are wise enough to take that powerful decision. If you seek to visit vengeance on people in your past, the past reciprocates your passion; becomes vengeful. You can’t develop a constitution that makes your future happiness impossible. If you decide not to move on from the past, why, you can’t move on from the past! You’ll become emotionally convoluted, difficult to predict. A good relationship thrives on predictability. 

The problem Jack, is that you’re going to be the primary person in this woman’s life. You will bear the brunt of the frustration, bitterness and anger. Convoluted bitterness is irrational. And you can’t know what the trigger is, or where it is. Even she doesn’t know. Jack, there are problems you can’t solve in life. Going into a relationship to resolve someone is not a wise course of action. And I question your capacity to handle successive pain and anguish. No matter your strength it will exact a toll on you.

You have finite emotional capacity. You may end up bitter yourself, damaged or jaded, no longer trusting. Relationships are not trifles. They shape us and change us. They deposit things in our lives. Men often think they’re immune to trauma, that they’re in total control of the dynamics of a relationship. Macho stuff. But the truth is, your girlfriend changes you. She conditions you whether you like it or not. If you find yourself reacting to her, that in itself is conditioning. You’re being trained.

Your past experience already tells you what’s bad for you, what you can’t handle. A wise man is honest about his limitations. Again I say don’t ignore the warning signs. Ultra selfishness is a warning sign for example. Relationships thrive when parties are considerate of each other. But if someone is very selfish, thinking only of him or herself, how can the relationship endure without pain? If you feel you’re being “used” in a “relationship” don’t you think you should ask yourself difficult questions?

I know aloneness is getting to you. I pray however that your needs won’t drive you to another wrong choice. Take another look at this other lady, the one you said is peaceful and simple and kind. Open your heart to her qualities. Relationships are not meant to be pain and suffering. They’re supposed to be feasts of happiness and comfort. Love and happiness are important in life. Don’t buy into the philosophy of pain and heartache. I can only give you guidance. The decision as always is yours!

Your mentor, LA

©Leke Alder 2013

Tags : Dating, Hurt

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