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Read Letter

Matrimonial Thuggery

Dear Jil, in my brief history in this world my eyes have cognized the strange and my ears have audiblized the unimaginable. The evil capacities of man and the horrible inventions of his heart are feats of incredulity. How do you explain the phenomenon I term Matrimonial Thuggery?

When a man of means uses his wealth to snatch away the wife of a young man that’s matrimonial thuggery. He could have any single woman who’s so inclined if he so desires, but he’d rather muscle a young man out of his consolation. If a woman of means, by means – any means, snatches away the husband of a young bride it’s matrimonial thuggery too. There are stories of matrimonial thuggery that are so confrontational and so brazen they could only be inspired by Beelzebub.

A rich young lady went to the matrimonial home of another woman to negotiate acquisition of her husband. Call it leveraged buyout (LBO). She was so matter-of-factly and so contractual about it. Consider the terms: The woman would be relocated to London. A monthly upkeep will be sent to her and her three kids. Either she accepts those generous terms, or she’ll be bundled ingloriously out of her marriage and home. She’s making her the offer for the simple reason that she wants her husband, and has decided to have him, full stop. This is no fairy tale. It’s a true life story.

A matrimonial thug can’t have leverage without a complicit or corrupted spouse. In this particular case the husband was having an affair with the rich woman. He was corrupted by money and sex. There are so many cases of women on women matrimonial thuggery. You should see my mailbox.

A young bride wrote me the other day. A matrimonial thug had invaded her home. Another young lady had literally taken over her husband. She finances his life in exchange for possession. She’s converted and appropriated him, like a mere chattel. He’s hers! The unwise young man, or how else shall we label such, is now like a dog on a leash. All for what? A mess of pottage? Turned out the husband met the thug a few months before his wedding; started an affair, all the while betrothed. I keep hearing stories like this and I’m disturbed – young men seeking sexual freebies as their wedding approaches. The young man is literally in another marriage, his real bride relegated to the sideline. She’s now a prayer warrior! In the words of the young bride, the matrimonial thug has become a bone stuck in her husband’s throat. She has no respect for this young bride or her marriage. The marriage is just months old. And all this going on with the knowledge of the thug’s family – a well known family in decent circles.

There is a matrimonial thuggery case study in the Bible. Yes! King David appropriated the wife of a young army officer and for measure had him killed after impregnating her. She’s the famous Bathsheba, the woman who took her bath while David was periscoping on his palace rooftop. She was stunningly beautiful. Those are not my words. The Bible said so. David’s conscience was so lust seared it took a direct intervention from God to knock him to his senses. God sent an emissary. The emissary gave him a case to judge. This is the narrative. I’ve adapted it for our times:

A stinkingly rich man with a considerable herd of goats and cows had a foreign guest. He decided to have dinner for his guest. No details are given but barbecue comes to mind as preferred course. Think of an African barbecue. Or Arabian barbecue. An animal is impaled on a stick with the horrors of a fire singeing the sauce covered vertebrae. The head of such an animal is never spared. It’s the main attraction – the indulgence of ancestors. Who can forget the headmaster possibilities of Isi Ewu, the delicacy of choice of the Igbo tribe on the west coast of Africa? Anyway, an interesting thing happened. Something vile actually. Instead of taking the barbecue candidate from his flock, our rich man seized the only goat of a poor man. That goat was not just his chief economic asset it was the family pet. What is David’s verdict the Prophet asked? David was enraged. How dare the rich man! It was manifestly unjust. He must pay back in multiples blah blah… Then the prophet said to David, you’re that rich man! How could he, despite all God’s kindness and endowment rob a poor soldier of his wife – his only comfort.

So grievous was the whole affair to God that God would have killed David. In sparing his life however there were consequences – terrible consequences. Evil was raised against him, in his house. David’s household didn’t know peace again. His son sought to overthrow him. Almost succeeded. In fact that son slept with his wives in show sex on the same roof he viewed Bathsheba from and possibly slept with. A tent was set up on the roof for that purpose with information leaked to the general public. Such defilement communicated the coupist’s abhorrence of and irredeemable rapprochement with his father. Before that, this same son had killed his half brother for raping his sister… On and on the consequences went. At a stage David ran from his throne to escape being killed by his own son. The son was later murdered in the coup aftermath.

The moral is simple: That you can doesn’t mean you should. Might is not the same as right. There is a God up there and he’s bigger and richer and more powerful than everyone of us. Combined. We must fear God. There is a God “with whom we have to do (deal).” You can’t get past Him. And God is resolute on one thing: He is the defender of the poor. The bigger lesson is to be mindful of our exercise of power. We must not oppress others with our advantage.

One more thing. As a woman you should take pre-emptive measures against matrimonial thugs. Own your man! Prevention is better than cure.

I hope you find my letter instructive. I’ll write you again next week.

Your mentor,



© Leke Alder | 2014

Tags : Lust, Affair, Possession

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