My dear Jack, you’ve got to rekindle the romance in your marriage. Romance is a conscious thing. It’s not a mood that descends on you at full moon. You’re not a wolf.
Childbirth does have an effect on women in ways men can’t imagine. Creates physiognomic distortion. And some women suffer mentally – Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Giving birth is traumatic. Many women develop permanent marks from childbirth. Some stretch marks don’t erase. Stretch marks depend on heredity. They occur when the collagen and elastin in the skin stretch beyond snapping back.
Remember that that big-headed boy she bore for you distended her tummy so much. At three months she looked six. It’s going to take a lot of exercise to reduce that tummy but it can be done. You’ve got to support her to do that. The key is psychological non-acceptance of postpartum distended physiology.
For some women the breasts’ symmetry worsen after birth. It’s because breasts are incredibly sensitive to hormones. If one breast is smaller than the other, the smaller one will be less receptive to hormones because there’s less tissue. So the breasts won’t grow at the same rate during pregnancy hence worsened asymmetry. Even the sagging can’t be helped much without supportive bra and the stabilizing of weight gain.
Now as to what is really troubling you – those bumpy areolae and dark nipples from pregnancy… Again, it’s those hormones again. Those bumps around the areolae are called Montgomery tubercles. They are named after Dr. William Montgomery. He died in 1859. He first described them in 1837.
As early as the first trimester a pregnant woman’s nipples stick out more, as well as those glands. Hormones dilate the vessels and ducts to increase blood flow and prepare for milk production. Because hormones stimulate pigment-producing cells the nipple and areolae get darker, especially for those with dark skin tone. A few months post birth most nipples return to original state. So you see that that big-headed boy of yours is the cause of all these changes in her body. Would you rather be childless but your wife has perfect breasts, or you have a child but bumps show up? You can’t have it both ways and the reason I shared the physiological dimensions with you is so you appreciate your wife. As a man I can understand your reaction to those hormonal changes. They can be strange to first time fathers. But they are the result of your desire to become a father. That’s the irony.
You can’t because of some goose bumps on your wife’s breasts kill your marriage. Your marriage is bigger than those bumps on her breasts. And she’s bigger than them too – by far larger than them. Your wife is greater than the sum of her parts. Remember why you married her! I’m not saying her physiognomy didn’t influence your choice but a woman is deeper than physical parts. There’s her kind heart. And her character. And her love. And her cares. And her prayers. How do you quantify all that? Just the feeling of being loved somnambulates. You feel peace, happiness, contentment and wellbeing.
You’ve got to halt the downward spiral of your feelings before visual irritability blows into full proportions. You’ll put yourself under considerable pressure not sleeping with your wife. You’ll set yourself up. Paul says, “It is better to marry than to be aflame with passion and tortured continually with ungratified desire.” I would imagine that it’s worse to be married but still be burning with ungratified desire. “Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them,” Paul said. Therefore marriage is a passion containment device.
Look, there are many solutions to the problem you have. It’s either you reconcile yourself to the physiological changes, or you deploy means to paper over them. You can use tassels for instance. They come in varieties of designs and colours. You can buy from Amazon.com. Cost no more than $6 a pair. Tassels will cover those bumps you don’t want to see. And there are different configurations of bra design that can mask the geography of the affected area. Of course you’ve got to discuss with your wife. You shouldn’t hide your feelings from her. Communication is important in marriage.
You’re working in another town. You come home for just a few days every month. Seeing your sexual reticence, by now she’s probably doing a lot of wondering, and I won’t blame her for that. Then there’s the fear her husband no longer considers her desirable. It’ll affect her mood and self-esteem. Women are very sensitive to desirability. And they know when you’re not with them during sex.
Go back to that pivotal moment you fell in love with her… Can you see it? What was she wearing? There’s always a memorable moment from the past… one particular meet up, something she was wearing, some details… Perhaps it was a kind act she did, or something she said to you, or her tone of voice… Write or text her about that moment. And tell her you love her. Tell her the things you love about her. Go out and shop for lingerie for her. The type you like. Gift wrap it. Buy candles, erotic massage oils, balms, lotions…
Create an ambient mood with the light from those candles… In that soft glow you’ll see your wife anew. Create a movie theatre effect at home. Mood lights will do but you can add dramatic effect with popcorn. Watch a favourite movie with her, cradling her in your arm, gently stroking her hair… Whisper sweet nothings to her. Seal it all with soft gentle kisses to the forehead and hair, rubbing her shoulders. Make her feel wanted and needed. I’m just saying rekindling romance need not cost an arm and a leg. Take her out for dinner. Make her feel special. Or simply take a walk, holding hands.
Leave little loving notes for her in unusual places; inside the fridge, above the dresser, on the bathroom mirror. She can’t miss the one on the mirror, trust me. Women love mirrors!
Being apart literally creates distance in a marriage. You have to work extra hard to bridge the gap. Get to work. She’s waiting for your love.
Your mentor,
LA
© Leke Alder 2014 | talk2me@lekealder.com