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Read Letter

Trust Factor

Dear Jil,

Judging by all you’ve said, you’ve got a wonderful gentleman. Seems trustworthy to me. But you don’t trust him. There’s a trust “gap” you’ve created… your 10% safety margin. He can’t bridge the gap. There’s virtual resistance. There’s a reservation inside of you – an illogical reservation… a just-in-case! A teeny weeny just-in-case! You find yourself holding back from him, not totally trusting him. Yet there’s no basis for it.
The reason – if you do some introspection, is because of some past experience. It has nothing to do with this man. He’s paying for a crime he didn’t commit, is not planning to commit, is not THINKING of committing… Yet you hold him guilty of the POSSSIBILITY of committing a crime of the heart. That’s what it boils down to.

Now, I know where all that is coming from – why you’re withholding. It’s heart insurance. You don’t want anyone doing damage to your heart. You feel you’re far too exposed already. There’s that fear. You’ve got to deal with your fears… Of course there’s always a PROBABILITY something can go wrong. That’s the law of probability. Everything is probable. Probability is theoretical. It’s conjecture.

But your holding back is making you hardened. And that can’t bode well, especially in the long run. It means you’ve set up a very touch-sensitive perimeter fence around your heart. That any semblance of attempted violation of the imponderable will be met with disproportionate force. And that makes you edgy around some subjects, and even certain parts of your body.

There are many people with this condition. They can’t fully trust their trustworthy spouse. But marriage is an institution of trust. You’ve gone past the boyfriend-girlfriend stage now. And knowing you, you couldn’t have married him if you didn’t trust him. Switch things just a little. Put yourself on the other side of the table. Would you like for this gentleman not to trust you, even if a whiff? Would you like to be distrusted? Would you like him to relate to you with the thought of “You never can tell!” You won’t like that would you? It’s why you angle to be in control of the relationship isn’t it? You must be in charge. You can trust yourself but not him. And this despite his proven capabilities.

And so you can’t express affection in your relationship. Your emotions are like a summary text: uncommitted, insouciant. There’s always the thought of, “I don’t want him to imagine I’m fully in love with him. Don’t want him to know.” But you want him to swear love and deep affection for you, be naked with you, totally exposed. You have wonderful qualities, but unknown to you, you come across as a tad manipulative and controlling. And it’s all insecurity. You can’t continue this way. You’re hurting your relationship. You’ve got to let go.

The amazing thing is, what you’re trying to prevent you’re assiduously working towards, everyday! You think being “in charge” minimizes your risk but it’s a delusion. Besides, you’re paying at the other end. And YOU think you’re trustworthy, but you don’t know how you’ll react under all circumstances. Only God knows. It’s why we pray, “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil”. Peter thought he was an absolutely reliable guy, committed and totally loyal – until life gave him a test! The only personage 100% trustworthy is God. That’s his constitution. As for the rest of us, and that includes you, our hearts are deceitful. And wicked. Or how do you explain envy! Or slander, or malice, or gossip, or the plotting of evil against the innocent? The heart of man is desperately wicked.

You can’t be exercising faith for the negative to happen in your marriage. The concept of marriage is mutual nakedness, both parties exposed to each other without fear or shame. All that self-protectiveness is fig leaves. And fig leaves can’t really protect against the elements. And all that supposed protectiveness only makes you more insecure and so more vulnerable to him. You need his assurances. He can see your insecurities. They’re so obvious. It’s just that he chooses to understand. Because he loves you.

I’m just saying you’re denying your husband of some things in marriage because of your trust issue. And I’m afraid things may escalate. If you get too used to treating him this way you’ll become insensitive. And he’s human. Humans have limits. They’re creatures of time. If you want to solve this problem the starting point is coming clean to your husband about your fears. You’ve got to sit down with him and let him understand. Just let him know. It’s good for your marriage; it’s good for you and for him. He might have been suffering in silence in love. At least he’ll understand why you’re sometimes disinterested in sex, or tune off like you have an out of body experience. Only God knows how much he’s tortured himself over that, or how frustrated he is!

Choose an evening… a relaxed evening. Choose a tender moment. Don’t tell him there’s something you have to discuss with him. That’s alarmist for men. He’ll be anxious, wondering. He’ll think he’s done something wrong. That’s not the effect you want. Just make it all seem so natural. Let it be a romantic moment, it’s not a confessional. If need be control the lighting. Snuggle into his arms and just tell him your fears. It’ll bring you closer together. It will touch him; touch the tender side of his heart, giving him understanding of you. Men are simpler than women imagine. Highly predictable. Just open up, pour out your heart. A good man will never use it against you.

Your vulnerability will instinctively make him feel like protecting you more. He can only love you more. You’ll get more love and affection from him for just being open. And you’ll encourage him to share things with you. Perfect love casts out fear.

The greatest nakedness is nakedness of the heart. Couples should be naked with each other. That was the original design. Marriage is a repository of confidences, strengths and weaknesses. Trust will always be a major factor in marriage.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Trust, Love, Marriage, Insecurities

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