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Read Letter

Sex Object

Dear Jil, look, the society we live in objectifies women and I’m disappointed YOU are playing to the stereotype. I thought you’d live your life in a manner inconsistent with the typification of women as objects of libidinous titillation.

It’s very demeaning of womanhood and makes mockery of the conception of the woman. That some women can accept such objectification only tells you how far humanity has fallen. There’s a whole lot of women out there who believe that’s the way to get on in life. They want to live a life without work, exchange sex for social security. You won’t get the respect you need accepting the role of sexual pun on the chequered board of life’s game board. So you get shoes, handbag, travel and living expenses in exchange for sex. (Some get more) but… Don’t forget what Solomon said: With all thy getting get understanding. You need good judgment.

At some point the inherent logic of this lifestyle is going to catch up with the deepest needs in you. You know he doesn’t love you. You know that relationship is worthless without sex and without his gold. At some point you’re going to want that very love you think is unimportant now. You’ll seek to change the rules of engagement. It’s at that point he’ll move to seek out another paramour. Your relationship is nothing but a quid pro quo. It’s sex for economic and social responsibility. You satisfy his sex fantasies, he gives you travel, clothes, shoes and bags…and of course pays your house rent. At some point you’re going to want more. You’re going to want marriage, which he can’t give you. He’s married. You’re going to want to start a family, which again he can’t give you. You’re a side chick. You can’t have that family you want without social disruption. And not without paying a forceful price. He never intends to leave his wife and kids. Going to be tough. And your relationship didn’t contemplate all that. So he’s not going to be willing to pay the price to be with you. The price is too high, and you may not be worth it to him.

He never bargained you’ll want social recognition and reward. That wasn’t the unspoken understanding. The basic understanding was that you were a private practice proposition tucked away from the full glare of society. Only one or two of his friends know about you, so you’re a secret service concept. When it started it seemed great. You were a much younger woman travelling first class without paying a dime. You lived above the means of your peers… You were their envy. And you relished the fact. You travelled the world- London, Paris, Dubai, Venice… But now it seems you arrived too much in a hurry at your future. But you’re stuck now and you can’t make sense of where you are. The coordinates are missing. You can’t move on, you can’t go back, you can’t have what you want. And it’s creating fights… which he can’t understand. He can only assuage your feelings with lies and false hopes. You now realize all those things pale in comparison to the things you desire. You really want to move into his home. But you can’t kick out his wife. She’s tough, and he’s afraid of her. Can’t even suggest the idea to her. And his family won’t buy it, though one of his uncles likes you. I know it started on campus. He had that red Mercedes which he drove to pick you every weekend. That put you in a league. You couldn’t date “small boys” understandably. They didn’t have a spoke of bicycle. Along with Riskat, Amina and Jennifer you were happening… and seemingly ahead of everyone else. But here’s the thing. You had lifestyle but no life. You had happiness but no joy. You had the present but no future. All the travel and material things blinded you. Only you never thought that lifestyle has its own logic. You priced yourself out of the market and painted yourself into an emotional corner. And just as you’re not sharing your regrets and frustrations with anybody, so those before you never shared theirs. And so the next girl is going to make the same mistakes. She can’t know the reality behind your lifestyle. When we refuse tuition we learn from experience. Now you realize with a little bit of patience you could have bought all those things for yourself. With just one or two promotions you would have been able to afford travel on your own. You bought a lie. We must learn patience in life.

Haste is not the same as progress. And because you’ve lived this life for some time now you don’t even know how to approach the job market. Or how to start a business. And he’s the only one who can give you capital. Because he’s the one supplying your needs according to his riches you can’t afford to leave him. You’re wholly dependent on him. Your only escape is a richer guy, and that also comes with a similar price.

I remember the story of a nice young lady who snagged a wonderful and rich gentleman. Her friends were surprised because she didn’t play the streets. They didn’t think such was possible without self-help. Her friends believed a man can’t love you so fervently without a heavy exchange of sex. That the love was proportional to the amount of sex given. They were shocked.

If you want a wholesome relationship you’ve got to get out of that belief system and its ecosystem. It’s never too late to apply yourself and get out of the trap. That lifestyle is a life-defining trap, as you’ve seen. The question is whether you want to work and labour with your own hands. Of course there’s an initial price you’ll pay for changing course. The biggest price of all is your pride. But it will even out, ‘cos you’ll get the other things you desire, like true love. And proprietary affection. Your fears and frustration will be gone. You can control your destiny. The older ones who got trapped in that lifestyle will never tell the truth. Their pride won’t allow. And the shame. They want to maintain their image and myth created. What will their lives sum up to otherwise? You wrote me to tell you the truth. Now I’ve told you the truth. What will you do with it?

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder


Tags : side chick

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