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Read Letter

Mutually Assured Destruction

My dear Jil, the heart is not conceptually fashioned from a viscous material. It’s rather like porcelain. It’s why it gets “broken.” That’s the impression conveyed to our understanding when we meet major disappointment. Emotions are rather powerful. When the heart is disappointed it becomes sick. Solomon alluded to this when he made this powerful statement: Hope deferred makes the heart sick. Your heart can’t afford this on again, off again relationship. You’ll do major damage to yourself.

This guy finds you unsatisfactory. He doesn’t find you adequate. I’m sorry to have to break that to you, but what you need right now is a whack of truth on the side of your head. You’re not exactly what he wants: you’re what he’s used to. You’ll never be enough for him. There’s an inadequacy to you that can’t meet his undefined needs. He wants what you don’t possess and can’t possess. So he goes out there searching for it. He goes after similitudes. What he thinks seems like what he wants. And there are many shapes and sizes out there. When he discovers those similitudes lack what he takes for granted in you, he runs back to you for comfort. You’re Madam Comfort. He knows you’ll receive him, since you desperately love him. He exploits that knowledge.

Now, he doesn’t realize what he wants is inconsistent with his needs. That he’ll never get the combination of his wants and needs because of the inconsistency. It’s the equivalence of seeking a sedate home-making, clubbing and party animal. The technical specs and values are mutually repellant. And when those girls he hungers after show him their technicolour, he runs back to familiar hues. He’s a prodigality expending the issues of life on ephemerae and irascible carnality. Either of two things can happen. He either marries you, or marries a similitude, albeit in an unconscious moment. Whichever option he chooses, they’re both bad for you. Whether he marries you or doesn’t marry you he’ll give you pain. He’ll forever be looking out for that which is not there, looking into the street for what you lack for him. And he’ll go after those things without consideration for your feeling. What option will you have? You’re married! You’re not married and you’re already option-less. What bargaining chip will you then employ in marriage? He’ll know you can’t go anywhere, and that becomes a license to do as he pleases. Your emotions are so far gone you can’t imagine a life without him, despite the pain and trauma. You’re addicted to pain. He’s your pain and painkiller. The contradiction has become your grief.

When things are beyond us in life, there’s only one person who can deliver us – GOD! You need God’s help. This is beyond religion. You need deliverance from this fellow. Your emotions are conditioned for imprisonment. Ask God to remove the desire for this fellow from you. Then you need to renew your mind, to untrain your emotions. Right now they’re like a dog whose olfactory capacity is conditioned to seek after pungent odour. If you want to be free from this gentleman, you need to be brutal on yourself, and on his emotions. You need to cut him off from your life – delete his number, delete that DP, texts, mails, WhatsApp, WhatsNotApp. And don’t let him into your house again. If you do, your emotions will seek after familiar carnal pleasure. And the cycle begins again. The cycle of grasping for what you can’t hold, of cries, of deep pain, regret and anger. He’s taken you for a fool. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad if you didn’t take yourself for a fool. When a relationship is emotionally ruinous we must cut ourselves from it with impersonal and algid brutality on ourselves. It’s the kind of thing Jesus was talking about when he said to cut off your right hand if it offends you. You need to emotionally amputate yourself not to respond to stimuli from this calamitous gentleman. It’s the only way out of an emotionally abusive relationship.

And people always assume a relationship is only emotionally abusive when the guy says things that destroy self-esteem. But emotionally exploitative relationships are emotionally abusive as well. Any relationship that militates against emotional health and wellbeing is emotionally abusive. And we can be emotionally abusive on ourselves: when we keep going back to what destroys our sense of worth. He knows you’re not going anywhere, that you’re bound in emotional fetters of iron, so he does what he likes. You need to get out of emotionally ruinous relationships. Don’t subscribe to 50 Shades of Grey philosophy of love. You don’t want to be in a relationship with Mr. Christian Grey in real life! He’s a troubled soul. It’s not wholesome, don’t hunger for that kind of relationship. You’re going to lose your life coordinates.

This relationship, or what might we call it, has only worked so far because you both subscribe to misogyny. The idea that you haven’t experienced love unless you go through pain and heartache is a notion you must reject. Your heart may go into cardiac arrest under such strain and trauma. Don’t damage yourself. Some people are destructive forces sent into the lives of others. They leave nothing but a trail of blood and the gory macabre of liquidated emotions in their wake. You can’t be in a relationship and become each other’s damage. Why must your life be sacrificed to Titan god of destruction in the name of relationship! Purge yourself of this guy. Assume control over your life. Let him go his way. He’s a wayfarer. He’s like the exod spirit of destruction in Egypt of yore, at the time of the captivity of Israel. He prowls the alleys of life, seeking hearts that are missing the blood red insignia of Don’t Come Near. If you don’t listen to my admonition, this young man will waste your life. Years down the line you’ll become bitter. Today he’s your destruction, tomorrow you’ll be his destruction. And what good is a relationship dedicated to mutual destruction?

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder

Tags : Pain, abuse, abusive

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