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Read Letter

Grand Deceit

My dear Jack, you’ve got to be careful not to buy into the culture of grand deceit now prevalent in relationships. By grand deceit I mean dating a girl and giving her the impression you will marry her, but planning another wedding. In one or two cases there was even a family introduction, but no plan whatsoever to marry the girl. Just deceit. The guys in question planned two weddings simultaneously without any intention of showing up at one. Your friend knew he won’t marry this young lady, yet he kept her, all the while planning wedding to another. The girl never knew he had another girlfriend, and he kept sleeping with her, giving her false hopes and making demands.

There were the abortions, the cooking, sacrifices, emotional support, care…She gave her life to him. And to think the deceit went on for a whole year. That’s unconscionable, cruel and dastardly. The timing shows he started dating this young woman about the time he started planning his wedding to the other woman. The young lady found out he was getting married a day to the wedding. And it was accidental discovery. Someone assumed she was the one getting married. She came to remonstrate her for excluding her from the planning. You can imagine the devastation wrought on this young lady by the news… The shock! She fell sick. Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

I’ve warned you to be careful about the emotion of women. Emotion is a dangerous substance. Highly combustible. Don’t bring a woman to the point in which she no longer cares, the point at which she’s ready to burn down the house. This young man doesn’t know what he’s dealing with, bringing things to the point his ex is dedicated to his destruction. When you treat a woman so shabbily you create room for dangerous expressions. It’s why you have all those curses. God help him if he tangled with the wrong woman– the type from a spiritual enclave with capacity to do harm. Even if those curses have no effect on him the fact remains he’s opened the door to maximal fear into his life. That fear will in turn become an operating system for everything antithetical to faith. So many programs will run on it. And so if his business has a downturn in a downturn economy he’ll assume it’s because of the curse. And if his wife has late conception, he’ll assume it’s the curse also. The girl even cursed the very relationship.

But the potential for failure is already rigged into the relationship. It’s not because of any curse, it’s because he doesn’t know his fiancée long enough. The marriage is too soon. And so when challenges come from not knowing enough about his partner he’ll assume it’s the curse in effect. And he’s not the only one who’s going to live in fear of the virulence of that curse, his wife will too. Even if he can control his own fear, how is he going to regulate the fear of his wife. And so one way or the other this so called curse will work even when it’s not working! Unless he understands certain spiritual principles he’ll just be living in fear. As it is he must work hard on the marriage. But even the fact that he’s responding to a so-called curse already puts pressure on his relationship. The only other alternative is nonchalance, in which case his conscience is in danger of being cauterized. However he goes, there’s going to be unintended consequences. But why treat a woman like that in the first place!

I’m very worried about a young man capable of doing that to another human. It takes a lot. If I were you I’ll be careful around such a friend. He’s capable of anything. Anything can happen if you do that to a lady– actively and aggressively deceiving her about marrying her. He aggressively built false hopes in this young woman– that he’ll marry her. That’s wicked. This young man doesn’t understand anything about life. Deceit is self-obligatory. HIS day is coming! Haven’t you read about a gentleman named Jacob? He was a “smart” fellow. But life repaid him. Life operates a balance sheet. As you deceive you build up your credit score. Repayment is coming. And when life wants to pay you back for deceit it does so with artistic flair. The truth is, the loser is not the girl he deceived. The real loser is the woman he married. She’s joined to a man capable of heinousness. She hardly knows the man she married. And I’m surprised his family went along with this deceit. His mother was part of the whole process. Someone should have called this young lady to tell her what was afoot. Surely someone had a conscience in that family. All those who participated in the value chain of deceit are accessories to the deceit, including his mother. But you know some people treat the child of other people like trash. Their child is of course gold.

If I were this guy I will go and apologize to this young lady, beg her. Not apologizing only compounds the situation. I worry however that enormous psychological damage has been done to this young woman. She may end up seeking vendetta on other men. She may never be able to marry. If you’re not going to marry a lady, spell it out. Don’t deceive her, giving her the impression you would. If after you let it be known you’re not interested in marriage she persists, then she assumes personal risk. Some people like to plod on even when they know nothing will come out of a relationship. Such people believe they can reengineer the future, and some just hope against hope. It’s befuddling though how you can be planning your wedding and yet aggressively go after another girl. In such circumstances the fiancé is either careless, desperate or the guy is so good at deceit.

Be fair in life. Treat others as you’ll like to be treated. It’s the golden rule. Don’t get on the wrong side of the sowing and reaping equation. It’s a non-discriminatory instrument. Even if this lady knows there was another lady it will still be bad. In a two-horse race someone’s bound to lose. Please don’t buy into this aberrant philosophy of life– deceiving a lady about matrimonial prospect. That your friends are doing it doesn’t mean you should. Take time to find out how life reasons.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Proposal, cheating

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