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My dear Jil, I feel I need to write you once more about that “f” word – forgiveness. Forgiveness is a hard thing no doubt, and yet it’s the easiest of things. Forgiveness is only hard when we regurgitate and re-experience the pain and the trauma visited on us. Memory loss, and the willingness to have memory loss are critical to forgiveness. There are experiences that should not be relived. Every time you recall a painful experience it’s like peeling the scab on a wound.You make it fresh and draw blood. It will eventually heal, but it would now take a very long process of attempted healing of scabs of memory. There are things we should let go in life, memories we should never revisit. If you come out of a trauma it’s best to leave it in the past rather than going after your enemies. You survived! What makes you larger than those who do evil to you is the largeness of your heart, not the constriction of your heart. We do not have the capacity for revenge. It’s why revenge consumes us.

There is an old saying that he who seeks revenge must first dig two graves. And the movies haven’t helped us. Those who seek revenge in the movies tend to come out on top, but those are movies. In order to do revenge first you have to amass inordinate capacity. Then you have to divert your life. And so instead of going forward in life the avenger must make a cul-de-sac turn and go back into the past to revenge. But nobody ever comes out of revenge unaltered. Forget the movies. Revenge is a dark tunnel. Those who pass through either never emerge, or emerge as darkness. They become familiarised with evil, become defensive and testy. Revenge does that to you. Unfortunately revenge is a spiritual quantum we haven’t figured out. As is forgiveness. What is most worrisome about a vengeful spirit is its ability to affect the future and utterly eviscerate it. We can’t get into the right future by settling scores from the past. Forgive.

Now I know this guy has done all this stuff to you, but must you do the same to yourself? If you’re willing to let go of the memory, and are willing to take a long-term view you’ll discover forgiveness is easy. Like many things in life forgiveness is a decision. It’s like healthy eating, or exercise, or decision to quit smoking. You can’t devote your life to avenging the past. It’s a waste of life’s most precious resource – life itself. In the movie it takes only one hour to do revenge, but in real life it consumes a lifetime, your lifetime. Yes, he treated you badly. Countless abortions for him, countless sacrifices… And then he jilts you. But if you think about it, you’d better thank God he manifested before you married him. You want a husband manifesting love and kindness after marriage, not meanness and wickedness. Yes, it seems you wasted your life being with him but there’s a principle of redemption of time. God redeems the time. You have to consciously forgive. It’s a decision. Once you take that decision evil has no mastery over you. But if you seek revenge then evil will master you, making you pernicious, turning you into that which you loath.

Your life is too valuable to be seeking to take revenge on a heinous ex boyfriend. And some people are so motivated by the devil himself that you’d have to be doubly evil to exact revenge upon them. Life has a way of settling scores. Leave revenge to life. You just move on with the remainder of your life. You have your life to live. Don’t waste it on revenge. An appreciative guy will come. But your heart will repulse such a suitor if you’re full of bitterness. You’ll become suspicious of the innocent, punishing the blameless for the sins of the ex. Don’t allow this guy’s evil to crush your spirit. And don’t transmogrify through hatred into darkness. You will become hardened on the inside seeking revenge. And hardness does not bode well for a new relationship. Relationship is soft, it is vulnerable. A hard spirit can’t be in one successfully.
When the right guy comes you’ll thank God you never married this guy.

Resolve never to become life’s casualty. Resolve this thing will not get you down. The best way to move on is to move on. Tell your friends you don’t want to discuss the break again. Just move on. Your friends mean well but in monitoring the guy’s life they peel your scabs afresh. What’s the value of the chronicle of his life to you – whether he’s now dating another girl, and so on. What’s the value to you if he’s not been able to find your replacement, finds it hard to move on in life. His inability to find your replacement is not the determinant of your value. That he got a finer girlfriend is not a devaluation of your currency either. The new girl is not you, can’t be you! What you want is to have a new man who’ll love and appreciate you for who you are and what you are. What you want is that someone who’ll appreciate your giving and generous spirit. Generosity is who you are, not what you do. You want someone who appreciates a woman who loves devotedly and affectionately. Sometimes we cast our pearls before swine and they trample upon us. But the fact that swine trample upon us doesn’t mean we should become swine ourselves. You don’t get into the mud with a native of the mud. To you getting into the mud is fighting dirty, but to the pig he’s just cooling himself.

Forgive, let go of the past and move on. The best revenge is the emergence of a beautiful you – the woman whose spirit can’t be broken. You really ought to pity him. Can you imagine what he missed! Move on!

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Revenge, Forgiveness

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