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Read Letter

Wonderful Amnesia

My dear Jil, there are things you ought to forget in life, things you shouldn’t try to remember. You shouldn’t be regurgitating past relationship trauma, especially if partial amnesia has set in. That’s healing going on.

You shouldn’t be trying to remember traumatic experiences that shake you to the core of your being. It’s bad cud. There are people you don’t want to be thinking about, people you shouldn’t remember. If you try to remember some experiences and your system hangs you better let go. It means it’s too traumatic. If remembrance of an experience overwhelms your being, inoculates you into lack of sensation better let it go. Those kinds of experiences are not worth remembering. They’re not worth regurgitating. There are people we should run away from – people who have brought so much evil and trauma into your life. There are break-ups that are actually deliverances. We should be thankful of them, not keep complaining. If after some years with someone you’re totally drained emotionally, a breakup amounts to God’s deliverance.

When your memory runs away from certain recollections, you ought to respect the feelings of your memory. This is not to say you should pretend certain things never happened. They did! I am also aware some forms of therapy necessitate recollection of trauma. But that’s under professional management. You shouldn’t however consciously keep reimagining trauma and thus re-inflicting pain on your “self.” There are those experiences that leave our psyche scarred and which amnesia tries to heal and smoothen. There are pasts you must leave behind. There are pasts your present can’t handle. And your being has its limits. Your psyche knows what it can’t handle. Don’t push it. You shouldn’t over-exert your willpower. It’s dangerous. Willpower has its limits. If you push your willpower beyond a certain point you’ll break your mind. You don’t want to go there. There’s no guarantee you’ll return. If you do, there’s no guarantee you’ll be okay thereafter. If you can’t handle something, it’s better to let it go rather than break your mind.

There are relationships you have to let go. If you’re over-pushing your willpower your body will let you know. Once you start getting numb and start losing sensation, and you’re so lethargic you can’t think, depression is setting in. Those are telltale signs you’re over-pushing your willpower. The way to get out of a hole is not to continue digging. And that’s what we do when we’re in trouble. We keep digging, thinking we can dig our way through. Sometimes, the best solution to a problem is to do nothing. Sometimes, we’ve got to fold our hands and acknowledge something is beyond our capacity. A wise man knows when to stop digging. If you keep digging what you imagine is a tunnel, you may end up digging a grave. Once the dimension of your efforts begins to feel like a 6×6 hole in the ground, pause and think. And a break up may not be the way we’d like. Not all breakups have storybook ending. But if a breakup amounts to deliverance, who cares how the relationship exactly ends?

Amnesia liquefies memory. You should allow time to do its work. And wishing vengeance on your ex is not really worth it. Learn to appreciate deliverance. You’ve got the rest of your life ahead of you. Think about that. The probabilistic permutation of life is that you’re bound to meet at least one hurtful or evil person in a lifetime. After a horrific breakup there are photos you should get rid of. Those photographs are pixelated acid works of pain. People underestimate how impactful a relationship can be – how life-damaging a bad relationship can be. Isn’t it enough you escaped with your life from the relationship? Isn’t it enough you escaped the sanatorium? You’ll be shocked how many psychiatric patients suffered blunt force relationship trauma. So this guy is not worth it. Time with him is not worth regurgitating. You’ve moved on. Keep going. Don’t look back. Those who look back tend to suffer the fate of Lot’s wife. They become immovable pillars of salt. They become stuck on one spot, with no feelings whatsoever. They become lifeless, become a parable. And they become objects of sympathy. Everyone talks about them behind closed and unclosed doors. You don’t want to be life’s object of sympathy. Don’t let the past immobilize you, move on. And the best way to move on from a trauma is to first cut yourself off completely from the source code. You don’t have to prove a point; you don’t need to prove a point.

As per all what he said about you, you shouldn’t worry about those. His opinion has ceased to matter. He’s just hitting back at you for leaving him. And that’s all he can do. If I were you I wouldn’t worry. The truth always finds its way into the open. It’s just a matter of time. What matters is the opinion of the man you’re with now. He doesn’t think that nonsense about you or he wouldn’t be dating you. I reiterate that you should recognize deliverance when you see one. You can’t imagine what God saved you from. It’s why you’re still trying to regurgitate videos of the past. Just move on and keep moving on. The experience is just a milestone in your life. When a good relationship comes you’ll forget all about the pain. The joy of a new and wonderful relationship is a brain surgeon excising memories of trauma.

If you must remember things choose to remember the joy of the present, not the pain of the past. There are people who are destructive forces in other people’s lives. When you’re delivered from such, be thankful. And there will come a time when trying to justify your decision to leave the relationship will be so pointless. There are things life says you don’t need to remember. And that’s kind of life.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Break-up, Past

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