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Read Letter

The Accuser

Dear Jack, you can’t afford an unhappy partner. You’d be playing with depression. She’s going to drag you down into a subterranean dark alley. It’s a place off the grid, a pit – a very dark jail. She’ll sap the life out of you, sap all your vigour. You’ll just know you’re growing dull, your energy being depleted. By the time you’re through with the relationship, you’ll be a husk of your self. Your health would have been destroyed. Deeply unhappy people have this conversation going on in their head. It’s a conversation no one knows anything about. An unhappy person lives in a world of interpretation. Everything is interpreted. And so facts turn into another set of facts. Your health won’t survive living with such a person. You’ll always be on the defensive, and the facts won’t matter. It’s those interpretations of facts that are true to her. They’re what she works with. Innocuous acts will take on new meaning. There’ll be negative interpretations attached to simple facts. The thing about such people is that they’re constantly accusatory. It’s their thought process. Anything you do will be turned into an accusation. And if you’re exonerated she’ll create another premise of accusation. You can’t win.The reason is because this lady lives in a mode – an accusatory mode. That’s literally her life point of view. It’s her reality, her window into the world. It’s why the accusations are relentless. And the problem goes way back. You can’t live under constant accusation. It will sap your energy, kill your spirit. You won’t survive. Most of the accusation will not even be verbalized. You’ll stand accused as a matter of thought. In other words, her every thought about you will be suspicion, grouse and ill will. How are you going to survive? The greatest mistake you can make is to reinterpret those facts yourself. And so instead of acknowledging simple truths about her, you’ll begin to create justifications. Why is she always dull? “Oh, she’s the melancholic type”, you’d say. Now you’re a psychologist! You’ll do great harm to yourself with that kind of denial. And one day you’ll discover the harm denial can do. Even now your spirit is being dragged down. You’re being subjected to fear. You’re afraid of how she’ll react to even gifts; you’re afraid of offending her. You’re in a relationship governed by fear. There’s nothing you’re ever going to do that will please her. She’s an accuser.

A lot of that accusatory stuff stems from a desire to control the relationship, to control you, to have authority over you. Accusation is like a poison injected into the system that slowly paralyses the victim and puts him under control. Accusation is a tool of oppression. It’s a regime of psychological control. Everything will be okay in the relationship as long as your dreams and achievements are small and manageable. The moment things begin to go very right for you in business or in life the marriage will get tougher. Things will escalate. You’ll be too big to control and once she can’t control you, she’s going to get angry. That anger can lead in any direction none of which is positive. She will end up resenting you and the resentment will turn to hatred as of course. Because events in the relationship will be the channel and justification of the resentment, you’re going to be confused, and you’re going to be solving the wrong problem. Unknown to you, she’ll have defined you as the problem. The more you try to please her, the more control she’ll exercise over you. And it’s never going to be enough. The moment you stop seeking to please her, she’s going to grow vicious on you. It’s a matter of time before things seriously deteriorate. You won’t understand why or what’s going on.

The first few years of the marriage will keep both of you reasonably occupied. You’re trying to settle down. The kids will blindside you to the danger ahead. You’re busy with them. As soon as things fairly settle, you’ll become the focus. And the accusation will pour in, relentlessly. She’s already given you a taste of what it’ll be like. But you seem so besotted with destruction. You don’t know what you’re joking with. If you go into this marriage you may end up in a psychiatric hospital. Of course that sounds exaggerated and farfetched. But you go and talk to psychiatrists. And you need to talk to a general practitioner too. Your blood pressure will not survive. Hers won’t as well. But she won’t stop until she’s destroyed you and destroyed your health. Then in the bid to control your fate she’ll wreck your reputation in social closets. Save your life right now before you enter into a trap. You may not escape. You’re like a calf being led to the butcher’s shop, like a stag being lured into an ambush to be shot with an arrow. You’re like a bird flying into a net not knowing its flying life is over. Save yourself.

She’s going to hold you responsible for her unhappiness. It’s another accusation. And when you’re ill from all the accusation, your doctor will also be misled. He’ll do tests upon tests, come up with nothing. Bad marriage is not listed as a disease in medical textbooks. Even you won’t realize it’s the constant accusation destroying your health. You can’t prosper and be in good health under constant accusation. Your soul is under siege, and you’ll avoid going home early. You’ll do unpaid overtime, stay late at the club. Just to avoid going home. But you’ll still have to go home and sleep. You can’t escape her. Even in your sleep you’ll be under siege…which is why you can’t wait to get out of the house as soon as morning peeps from behind the curtain. Think twice about going into marriage with an accuser. A word is enough for the wise. But the unwise need painful experience to come to understanding. I have said my piece. I hold my peace.

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© Leke Alder |

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Tags : Marriage, Unhappiness, Accusation

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