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Swiss Army Knife

My dear Jil, at some point you’ll have to take responsibility for your life, especially as it concerns marriage. I do understand your mom’s concerns but she’s only looking at the “image” of the family, not your emotional health. This guy you’re betrothed to… He doesn’t love you. He’s just taking advantage of your inexperience and youth. But life assumes you’re mature enough to handle issues by yourself once you decide you want to marry.

The situation is still redeemable, however. There’s no “court wedding” yet, just the traditional stuff. Return his dowry to him and tell him to keep the change. This guy will make your life hell. It’s not too late to back out. And you ought to take a firm stance with your parents. You’re bearing your cross on your way to matrimonial Golgotha. You’re betrothed to a guy who’s physically and emotionally abusive. And he has not married you yet!  He only sees you as an exploitable sexual implement – something to do his libidinous bidding. If you’re not careful this guy will rape you in marriage. He’s sexually desperate and he knows you’re not experienced. Which is why he keeps plying you with porn material. That, my dear Jil, is his performance standard. He expects you to fulfill his porn fantasies. Your non-yieldedness and poor skill set in that region is frustrating him.

Yet he chose to marry a virgin. He went after you for that very fact thus creating contradictions. Since there’s no love in the relationship – just expectations of matrimonial obligations, you’re freezing up. Which only fuels his frustration and anger, and greater need of fulfillment of sexual fantasies. There’s thus a huge contradiction locked up in this relationship. An incredible contradiction. The contradiction in the relationship can’t be resolved for the simple fact you have to become what he wouldn’t marry. The man who wants a sexually experienced virgin, lives in contradiction and fantasy.

Even more worrisome is the incessant emotional and physical abuse. This guy will damage your sense of worth. As it is, you don’t even have the boldness to get out though you can see the flames for your sacrifice being prepared. Tell your parents you don’t want to be married to this man. He’s abusive, period! You packed out of this man’s house once you can pack out again. Do it for the last time before he damages you. All that talk about how you’ll take care of yourself is secondary. You’ll find a way one way or the other. This man is not looking for a bride, he’s looking for a matrimonial and sexual appliance. He imagines you as a matrimonial Swiss army knife – can be used to cook, clean the house and fulfill sexual fantasies. And he’s mitigating the fact of the abuse by burnishing his PR with your parents through bribery and gifts. They can’t see what you’re seeing. Their image of your “husband” is quite different from your reality.

Now, he’s brought a prophetess into the fray. She’s giving tailored “prophecies.” This prophetess is seeing visions according to your local currency. All that talk about some forces locking you up…you better not believe. It’s false prophecy. There are thus three control protocols he’s established – his emotional abuse, the prophetess, your parents. The “prophetess” preys on your spiritual ignorance; your parents exert moral authority; he domesticates you with physical abuse. I’d advise you ignore the “prophecies” of this “prophetess.” They don’t accord with scriptures.

Marriage is not something you should dread going into. It’s supposed to be a joyful and happy thing. You’re supposed to be loved and wooed in marriage. You’re not some mechanical componentry. Sex in marriage can’t be a command and control issue. It’s not some army drill by a shrill predatory commandant. Sex in marriage is supposed to be loving and affirming, not an abusive obligatoriness. Besides, you didn’t know this gentleman before you got engaged to him. You engaged on moral authority. If you can’t make a rational and intelligent appraisal of someone wooing you for marriage, you’re not mature for it. After all the ceremonies are done and gone, you alone are left at the mercy of the caprices of this man. A man can’t be brutal to his wife. There’s just something emotionally repulsive about the execution of such vision. An older gentleman who chose to marry a young and inexperienced bride must learn to exercise patience. Or he shouldn’t have married from that category. There are more “experienced” women out there. A home ought to be full of love and affection. That ought to be the default mode. An otherwise is an aberration. And this idea marriage is supposed to be difficult, something a woman must endure… Who came up with the misogynistic mantra? Life is difficult enough. A marriage shouldn’t be. It’s supposed to mitigate the harshness of life.

Your parents are leading you like a lamb to the slaughter. By the time they’re gone your life will be full of bitterness. Surely their love ought to be stronger than this man’s social security stipends. There are things you do for your daughter. The whole abuse stuff is being patched up like a building commenced without engineering details, like some mud hut. Don’t compound the mistake you have made already. Get out while you can. If while your parents are alive he’s treating you this way imagine what will happen when they’re gone. You’ll have no emotional and moral support. He’s preying on the trado-cultural upbringing of your mum. Surely there are men out there who’ll treat you like a bride, men who don’t see a wife as a utilitarian implement. It’s never advisable to marry someone who doesn’t love you. Don’t marry your abuser. If you do, you have Stockholm syndrome.

You already know you won’t be happy in this marriage. Why press on with the ceremonial rites? It’s emotionally cheaper to have a broken engagement than a broken marriage. Pull the plug on this horrible adventure before your life becomes a parable. You’ll make a few people unhappy but at least you’ll have your life. And you’ll have freedom. A marriage is not supposed to be a heavy-duty gaol with iron bars of shame and horror. Have courage.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

For related letters, search for I Can’t Stand Him But…, Love Makes All The Difference and Love Is Sacrifice at

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Tags : Lust, Choosing, Backgrounds, Virginity, abuse, abusive, Courage, Sexual pressure, Weddings, Emotional

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