My dear Jack, someone, I forgot who, sent this to me over the weekend and I thought to share it with you. I really don’t know who the writer is; for all you know it might have been inventive. But this was the way girls were toasted in those days. Your generation obviously doesn’t know how to toast babes.
Those were not the days of email and text messages. Those were days of letter-writing. Everybody toasted this way. Secondary school boys sent notes to girls in class proclaiming undying love with overwrought vocabulary. Those were days you wrote you hope a “missive” met a girl “in condition of good health and if so, doxology.” Enjoy!
“Dear Sweet Suzy, Ditto… Time and ability plus double capacity has forced my pen to dance automatically on this benedicted sheet of paper. I hope you’re swimming in the wonderful pool of Mr. Health over there, if so, doxology! I am also perambulating in the cool breeze of wellness here.
Sweetie pie, the reason why this miraculous thing is happening is because, honey, I love you spontaneously. And as I stand horizontally parallel to the wall and vertically perpendicular to the ground now, I only think of you, since you are a fantastic and fabulous girl, put together as fantabulous. I implore you to decipher this my anthem of love oozing out from the innermost pendulum of my thoraxial cavity.
Darling, please stop haranguing with the feelings in my heart because I love you more than a snake loves rat. To me each day I start by dreaming of you. Each time I see you, my metabolism suddenly halts and my peristalsis goes in reverse gear. My medula oblongata also ceases functioning.
Crazy, crazy, crazy you may say but this is verily veritable. If only you knew what is going on in my encephalon, you would prostrate. That’s why I need to see you vis a vis soon for a better elucidation through tete a tete. No hyperbole and onomatopoeia, simple candidness. That is the state of my heart.
Only you and me are protagonists in this subtle affair. As I cogitate and ruminate over the last episode, I genuflect before the Omnipotent and implore him to let this affair emulsify.
By the way, I was bamboozled, scintillated, exhilarated, and left in a state of prolonged euphoria by the content of your missive which was quite edifying and exalting. It left my bio-chemistry in a paradise-like equilibrium.
Empirically speaking, I love you chemically… I don’t ever want to see gloom and doom looming over your angelic live portrait. Let my appellation be scribbled across your heart, with indelible ink. If any boy tries to ask for your companionship, tell him that you are leased and caveated.
I think I have to pen off here, because I still haven’t finished studying electrolysis polymerization. But before I evaporate, I lie to revitalize your memory with those encapsulating lyrics which proclaim that… (gross text omitted).
Catch you later. Sleep tight and don’t let those bed bugs bite you because you are too sweet for them. Goodbye for now. Your slave in love, your pillow, your cushion. A.O.”
Well, say what you like about this guy but he sure knows how to express himself. J Of course the whole thing is hilarious but hey, it will get the girl thinking, or laughing. And you don’t write this kind of letter like you’re writing application for employment. This was serious romantic stuff. To write this stuff you’ll need to bend your neck at a dangerous angle, hold your pen peculiarly and use special paper. You make a mistake, you start all over again. These phone companies have taken the fun out of writing love letters. There was nothing like emoticons in those days. And you could even perfume the paper. Though some ended up with Bintu El Sudan perfume. If you don’t know that perfume you’re a romance novice. You can smell the fumes a mile off! It’s redolent.
In those days, there were even books on how to toast girls. Some were sold at Tinubu Square, Lagos. Those books were something else. They give you your opening gambit, then tell you how the girl will respond for a full hour! Don’t ask me how the authors knew what exactly the babes will say! Must be clairvoyance. Writing such books required special gift. This wasn’t just adult stuff like I said. Was also secondary school stuff. Puppy love stuff. And you pose on your dad’s balcony pretending not to see the girl who’s also on her dad’s balcony pretending not to see you.
Love is an amazing thing. It requires a suspension of the harsh realities of life. It’s a special medium. In that love medium imagination is king. It’s what you imagine that is reality. It’s why we daydream. There’s an innocence to love. Like those secondary school relationships. When that innocence is lost, something critical is gone. That innocence is what inspires sincerity of heart. It’s what inspires trust. Trust is very important in a relationship. Without trust there’s exposure to a massive possibility of pain and disappointment in a relationship. It’s why you and your girlfriend must be sincere and honest with each other. Insincere love is a contradiction. Where’s the trust factor? We must be able to emotionally lay it out in a relationship, just like the writer of that letter. He’s committed!
There comes that point you commit in a relationship. Beyond that point doubt is introduced. It’s a holding back. Means you’re not sure, that you’re watching. And that can create fear in the heart of the woman. A relationship can begin to go south where there’s undue and unjustifiable delay in commitment. Things can just go down from there. Do you want to commit to this woman or not? That’s a question you need to answer. If she’s as good as you say don’t lose her to indecision. That will be unfortunate. I hope to read from you soon. And I hope you enjoyed that letter.
Your mentor, LA
A relationship can begin to go south where there’s undue and unjustifiable delay in commitment. Click To Tweet