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My Girlfriend Can’t Cook

My dear Jack, it seems quite simple. Some things just require simple processing. Your girlfriend can’t cook. Ok. These are your options: date someone who can cook if it’s a big deal for you, outsource cooking, cook yourself, eat out, or if she wants to learn get her a tutor. Or eat her bland offering in love. Those are your options. The ones I can think of. The analysis seems straightforward. But here’s what I think is the challenge: you’re the traditional type who wants to marry a modern girl. That’s going to lead to some issues. Expectations on both sides will be out of whack. She’ll expect you to understand, step in or take ameliorating steps. You on the other hand, will expect her to change. Trouble ahead.

It’s the crisscross of expectations in marriage that often produce problems. The marriage becomes a shooting range, the disappointments are bullets. You already know your girlfriend can’t cook. It’s either you’re willing to live with that fact or you seek someone who fits your expectations of a girlfriend. Clearly some were not brought up cooking. And you can’t pass moral judgment on that. Backgrounds and histories differ. To pass moral judgment on her ability to cook is to judge her upbringing, even her parentage. Be careful about that.

You don’t have a full picture. You didn’t live in her history. You could of course wonder why she didn’t pick up the skills herself. But you assume everyone wants to cook. Some people hate cooking, just like some people hate laundry. Some have the ability to cook but just don’t cook. Choice. Some can cook but don’t have the inclination. Disposition. Some can cook but don’t have the time. Expediency. And some can cook but just can’t be bothered. Freewill. Life is variegated. You can’t in marriage express disappointment at the fact she can’t cook. You knew before marriage she can’t cook. You went ahead and married her. So you lose moral authority to make that kind of judgment.

I’m always intrigued about guys trying to convert their girlfriends into a vision of their desire. It’s a quest fraught with cautionary tales. She may go along to please you though her heart is not in it; and she may choose to go along with you just so she marries you. And sometimes love is compelling. But fundamentally nothing has changed. And so the young man is in for surprise in marriage. He’s going to feel deceived, though truth is he deceived himself. When you’re in a relationship you deal with facts – verifiable facts not unaccredited desires.

The fact you’re dealing with is your girlfriend can’t cook. Possible she’s from a rich home and they have a chef at home. But you chose to date her knowing that fact – the fact she can’t cook. So live with the fact. Your girlfriend can’t cook, period. Passing moral judgment on her won’t change a thing. She can’t cook. Fact. So do you want to continue the relationship or you want to go for other strategic options? It’s up to you. You already know she can’t cook, it’s not hidden from you. There are no surprises there. So there should be no “disappointment” in marriage. I’m just saying it’s no big deal, that it’s only a big deal if it’s a big deal for you. You complain she cooks noodles predominantly. Why do you think they invented noodles! It’s for people like her. She can’t cook.

But I worry about the tone of your language in your mail – words like, “I might not be able to condone this attitude of not being able to take care of her man…” It’s authoritarian language. The root cause of your problem may not be so much cooking or noodles. It may be that authoritarian tone of yours. It’s not a language you use for your girlfriend. You don’t speak in authoritarian tone to someone you love or respect. It’s neither loving nor respectful.

Given your disposition, if you don’t have the means to outsource cooking I doubt this relationship will work. Do you have money? And it seems to me your idea of your woman is rather one-dimensional. You seem to define a woman by domestic ability. Seems you’re rather looking for a Stepford wife rather than a modern woman. But you looked for a modern woman rather than a Stepford wife. It’s self-contradictory. And I’m not judging your taste in women. I can’t. You’re who you are. I’m just saying your taste and implementation scheme are at variance. Like we say in my line of work there’s variance and misalignment. There’s a dissonance gap. My specialty is strategy by the way. I’m a consultant. That dissonance gap is going to keep creating distortions. Frustration will soon set in, and then tempers will begin to flare, until you get to resignation or fight. Go and look for a woman who fits your profile. If you’re conservative date a conservative, if you’re modern date a modern. Makes relationship easier. Or there’ll be clashes even over throw pillows in marriage. You’ll be shocked throw pillows can lead to divorce.

Clearly your cultural outlook and this woman’s cultural outlook don’t match. Why date then? It’s going to blow into the open at some point. These things play out in the open at some point. Why start what you know won’t work? After so much effort there’s going to be disappointment. Even if she tries to please you by cooking it’s not her flair. But cooking is a condition precedent for you. How is it going to work? That cultural and philosophical difference as minimal as it seems, will seep into taste in fashion, taste in social circles, taste in hairdo, pursuit of employment, taste in church…

Also seems you’re looking for a housewife rather than a professional with a demanding job. How is it going to work? Your desire and pursuit don’t match. It’s never going to work. And you’re going to be seeking to locate the fault in her, whereas the contradiction is in you.

Marriages are custom-fitted. You don’t buy marriage off the shelf. It’s never wise. You have a chance to reconsider the relationship now. The fissures are just beginning to show. You both need a strategic review of the relationship before too much investment is made. That’s how bitterness sets in, and from the look of things at some point in the future your girlfriend is going to complain of being used. Why? Because she’s going out of her way to please you and despite that you’re not satisfied. Coupled with the fact it’s not going to work.

A lot of divorces are preventable. Just don’t marry the wrong person. That’s fifty percent of marriage success. Marriage is not going to change the fact your girlfriend doesn’t like to cook. Just like marriage is not going to change the fact you want a wife who can cook. It goes both ways. But if you choose to luxuriate in the foolish belief you can make her change, why, go ahead and try. The answer to your experiment is only a few years away.

The sad thing about a bad marriage is that it’s a depletion of life energy. By the time you come out of a bad marriage your strength is gone – depleted in rancour and badly corrupted. A sad marriage depletes vigour. Why don’t you do what you can to avoid a bad marriage? It begins with your choice of partner. Do you fit?

Your mentor, LA

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© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com

Go and look for a woman who fits your profile. If you’re conservative date a conservative, if you’re modern date a modern. Makes relationship easier. Click To Tweet
Tags : Backgrounds, cooking

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