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Read Letter

They Said…

Dear Jack, to be honest with you, I find the whole thing a bit troubling. And on many levels. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take advice on marital issues. You should, discriminatorily. But you have to take responsibility for your life. You’re already thirty.

You have this woman you’ve been dating. You clearly love her and she loves you too. You’re hoping to marry soon. Suddenly, out of the woodwork come all these accusations about her. There are sudden proclamations of her unfitness as a bride by certain members of your family. The logical response to a levelled accusation is requirement of proof – facts that can be corroborated. So far none has been offered. All you have are anecdotal proclamations – opinions essentially. Opinions can be dangerous. Opinions don’t require proof. Everyone is entitled to one even if it amounts to a lie.

Your brother says to keep away from her now that the issue of marriage has come up. Which means all the while you were dating, he was hoping the relationship would go south. Means he never took the relationship seriously until you announced your intension to proceed to marriage. Someone might have gotten to him, or he has issues of his own with her. But there’s now so much hysteria about this lady. Your brother says the young woman has a past. Question is, who doesn’t, especially your brother? The virtue signalling is discombobulating. As if the alias for your brother is Saint Brother. He doesn’t have secret sins, does he? He doesn’t have a past? You can see unreasoning bias in action.

There’s a reason the past is called the past. Grave diggers, however, insist on excavating other people’s past. The past is a graveyard full of everyone’s skeletons. Those who choose to be grave diggers concerning the lives of others obviously cannot see the hypocritical contradiction. None of the stuff they accuse this lady of is in her present. She’s never been unfaithful to you, she’s always been supportive of you, and she’s always made you happy. You need to juxtapose her alleged past with her present within the context of the wonderful experiences you’ve had with her.

It has to be your decision. You don’t decide to marry her because of her, or because of your brother or any other member of your family. You marry for you. Is she good for you? Is she what you want? Will she make you a good wife? Will she make you happy? Will she give you peace? These are pertinent questions only you can answer. They’re personal. If you feel you can’t live with her alleged past, then don’t marry her. Because after marriage you can’t hold her past over her head like some sword of Damocles.

You can’t in a quarrel turn around to say you should have listened to your brother and not have married her. You can’t keep referencing her so-called past. If you take her as your bride, you’re taking on her past, present and future. They’re resident in her being.

Now, what is particularly troubling is that you have direct knowledge of the fact that everything they’ve said about her is inaccurate; that they’re just railing accusations. Yet you have doubts about her. You lived in the same neighbourhood with her growing up. You know none of those things are true. You have first-hand knowledge. So why listen to these people! You have a manifest case of extreme slander on your hand. And she can’t defend herself. How do you prove a negative? Those who read law understand the challenge in that. Anyone can accuse anyone of anything. Anyone can lob faeces of slander. But those who allege must prove. They must offer corroborating evidence.

If she’s as loose as they claim, surely that will be bordering on notoriety. That’s hard to hide. It’s self-proclaiming. The many guys she’s allegedly slept with are not ghosts. They should produce them.

Even if those things concerning her past are true, is that the way she is now? You want to tell me you haven’t done some very foolish stuff in the past yourself? Aren’t there things you’ve done that you’re seriously ashamed of? Or you belong to the league of extraordinary gentlemen? Don’t forget to count your secret sins, and secret lusts and thoughts. Who’s not guilty of those? I’m not saying marry her or don’t marry her. That’s your decision to make. But when you see an agenda being uploaded you shouldn’t be a fool. Clearly, some members of your family have held a meeting and resolved to prevent your marriage to her. Seems to me some people have vowed she’ll never marry you. And they’re executing their agenda.

You ought to be wise. Let it be that you repudiate marriage to her based on facts and after some proof of some egregious or extreme stuff you can’t live with, not because some people told you not to. The accusations are the usual cocktail – she’s “diabolic”, she’s “loose”, her family is “evil”… Yet there’s no proof offered. You don’t have any such facts. Her success in business is even suspicious. She can’t win, can she? The proof she’s diabolical is the fact she’s hardworking and enterprising? And now you have “corroboration” of her diabolical nature from so-called “neighbours”. Based on this “corroboration” you started the breakup process. Why don’t you make your own determination!

She’s understandably devastated. I hope you won’t have regrets in the future about not marrying her. And I hope the girl they’ll make you marry will make you happy. Because your folks can’t know what you want. Who can know a man except the man? They imagine they know what you want and need but they really don’t know. They’re proceeding on THEIR personal taste in women. You essentially have a marriage committee working on your case. You don’t even have voting right. You have to go with their recommendation. Who are you really! They’ve put so much fear into you you’re ready to abandon someone who truly loves you. In search of who then? Chances are you’re now going to rush into marriage with an ad hoc replacement. And that’s the beginning of your sorrow. Oh, it’s going to be okay for a few months but then the gap begins to show. It soon becomes a yawning chasm. And you’re going to start getting irritated. At some point, you’ll seek to reach out to your old girlfriend. Only it will be too late.

What do you want? You ought to know what you want in a wife. You’re thirty! You’re writing me to make up your mind for you. But how will I know what you want in a woman? We’ve never even met! Your main problem is an unwillingness to take responsibility for decisions. But whether you like it or not you ARE responsible for whatever decisions are taken on your behalf if you acquiesce. If your family is misleading you concerning this lady, you’re the one who’s going to have regrets not marrying her. If you can’t even decide on a marriage partner, hoping others will make your choice for you, how can you be qualified for marriage? You can’t call yourself a man if you can’t take your own decisions. Invariably, what will happen is that your family will start second-guessing decisions in your marriage. You’ll become indecisive. And you’ll make your wife hate your family for their interference. Meanwhile, the problem is you, not your family. You can’t take responsibility for decisions. You abdicate moral responsibility. You can’t be double-minded in life, like your mind is a forked highway built by Julius Berger. A double-minded man is very unstable. You can’t reach an agreement with him.

For all you know your brother may be against her because he feels she’s not giving him due cultural “respect.” Meaning he can’t control her. And he may be jealous of her success in business. He’s struggling. Does your brother reciprocate by giving you voting right over his marriage? Why give him so much power over your choice of partner? It’s really up to you.

Now, I know that’s something you don’t like to hear but it’s something you had better get used to hearing. Life will keep drumming it in your ears. It’s up to you Jack! Write me on your decision. Don’t ask me any question. Just tell me your decision.

Your mentor, LA


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© Leke Alder |

You can’t be double-minded in life, like your mind is a forked highway built by Julius Berger. A double-minded man is very unstable. You can’t reach an agreement with him. Click To Tweet
Tags : Choosing, Spouse, accusations

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