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Read Letter

Those Four Questions

My dear Jack, you see, when you warn a young man about these things he can’t fully appreciate the advice. These things I’m telling you will save your life, save you from misusing your life stream, save you from wasting your life on worthless pursuits.

A young man knows nothing about life, can’t know much about life however he tries. He’s handicapped by the requirement for experience – length of days. It’s why we learn from those older than us, and from those who have experienced life, gone through the grind of life – the hardships and the batterings. You can’t know much about human nature as a young man. You hardly know yourself. You’re still struggling with realising your life, finding your feet, finding direction. If there’s an area you need to apply caution and wisdom it’s in the area of marriage. Needs, dreams and desires tend to obfuscate reality.

Young men tend to be presumptuous about marriage. And that’s beside being hunted by pheromones, struggling to breathe through the headiness of its gaseous plumes. It’s why it’s easy for a young man to confuse sexuality for spousal qualities. He doesn’t realise the role of those pheromones is to draw him in. He begins to think about sex rather than marriage. Constant exposure to those pheromones can mess up the wiring of the brain, make a young man make un-thought through promises and declarations to a woman. It’s why many young men back off when they realise they’ve made a bad deal on a relationship – exchanged too much for too little. Pheromones made them heady.

And so there’s all this stuff battering a young man’s senses into submission. He’s not thinking straight. He just knows he very much wants the woman. Constant exposure to a woman’s imagery will also affect a young man’s desire. He’s working himself into throes of ecstasy by staring too much at that picture. Men are greatly affected by imagery.

That’s not saying one shouldn’t consider sexual attraction. Sexual attraction matters in the choice of marriage partner. It’s not wise to marry someone you’re not attracted to sexually. That department will suffer in marriage, may even grow into irritation. But sexuality can’t be sole basis of consideration of marriage. It’s too narrow and limited. And it loses some edge after marriage. Because it’s readily available after marriage the law of excess supply affects value.

Marriage is potent, very potent. It’s not something you mess around with. It’s woven into the very fabric of your life, is synonymous with your being. Its energy is derived from the core of your life.

There are four words you want to pay particular attention to in your choice of marriage partner. They are Like, Want, Need and Love. Translate those four words into questions and you’ll see how powerful they are. They practically cover the base of marriage.

Does she like you? Likeness is the basis of friendship in marriage. You have to like your partner, she has to like you. Or the marriage will be dutiful and dry. You won’t have much to talk about on Saturday morning.

Does she want you? That she likes you doesn’t mean she wants you. It’s important your partner desires you.

Does she need you? If she doesn’t need you, your usefulness soon expires in the relationship. Marriage is an interdependency. Both parties must need each other.

Does she love you? If she loves you she won’t keep delaying starting a relationship. That she keeps giving conditions is indicative she’s not that into you. It’s like she’s holding out for another man. And because she’s in her mid-twenties, time is on her side. And the whole thing is beginning to look like a commercial negotiation. If she’s into you, you won’t be having discussions that last two years to start the relationship.

So pay attention to those four questions. You need positive answers to those four questions: Does she want you? Does she like you? Does she need you? Does she love you? If you don’t have a positive reinforcement in your heart concerning those questions, I’d say be wary of going into the marriage. But like I said, when you tell a young man these things there’s a tendency for him to waive them aside with foolish faith. Subsidy payment is due down the line.

Why go into marriage with someone who doesn’t want you? That’s horrible. You’ll become indentured to wanting to please her. No matter what you do you’ll feel like an outsider in your marriage. She’ll punish you, push you away. Which means she’ll be dutiful towards you but not really want you. There’ll always be someone you’re competing with. He might not even exist. If that person exists, and it’s usually a former boyfriend, he’ll have a superior claim to her more than you. There may even be tauntings.

There’s nothing as horrible as being married to someone who doesn’t want you. You will seem like a fifth leg in a two-legged race. And you ought to know when someone wants you on a utilitarian basis, say someone wants to marry you to finance a lifestyle. The sustainability of such a relationship is dependent on your ability to keep supplying the funds to finance that lifestyle. The demands are going to keep coming – unconscionable demands. She’ll not be interested in how you meet those demands, whether you stretched yourself thin or not; or whether you borrowed money. What she wants she wants.

In other words, she’ll literally be living at your expense. And the demands are going to escalate. There’ll soon be demands for tickets for summer. Or to go and have the baby abroad. That’s what her mates are doing so that’s what she wants. Getting out of such a quandary will not be easy. You’re her cash cow. You’ll have to pay a terrible price for freedom. She won’t have mercy on you. She’s parasitic. It’s for this and other reasons you need to be strong emotionally. Don’t allow anyone force you into a marriage you don’t want. Be careful about recommendations from people with moral authority over you. They may mean well and still recommend hell.

When a couple loves each other you know. You can see it. There’s a fundamental commitment. Both parties are heavily invested. And the commitment is public. When two people want to be with each other you can tell. It will be in their body language. They will not turn away from each other in public.

Neither do people who love each other say nasty things about each other in public. Even the audience will wonder. If you love someone you don’t go around saying terrible things about the person. A relationship becomes exploitative when the person making material and financial demands on you is the same person saying horrible stuff about you behind your back. That’s hatred not love. The intentions of such a person towards you CANNOT be good no matter the words used in private, even if she exhausts all emojis for love available.

What your lover thinks about you matters. And if she’s expressing horrible sentiments about you to third parties you better do strategic review of your relationship. That person doesn’t love you. But if you allow pheromones to overwhelm your senses and mess up your system you’ll have a real problem. Don’t marry someone who doesn’t like you or truly wants you. You will pay a terrible price down the line. Rejection is difficult in marriage. Feels like despite.

Whoever you marry must be able to relate to you as a human, not a resource. You have emotional needs – you need care, affection and attention. You need a partner, you need someone to share with, someone to bond with. But a financial resource is just what it is. It’s totally utilitarian in dimension. If you’re dated on that basis you will lose out in the long run. You don’t want someone treating you like an ATM machine. Such romance lasts as long as the ATM machine is dispensing. Any shortage in withdrawal redefines the relationship. And why put yourself under that kind of pressure? Why do you imagine you can be someone’s source of income? That’s a lot to take on.

Go for genuine affection. When someone truly loves you, you know. Don’t fool yourself if it’s otherwise. If she doesn’t love you you’ll see uncare. There’ll be insincerity as well. Or brutishness. You’ll know you’re being put on, that her affection is not with you. It’s really up to you the kind of relationship you want. Go for something real, something sincere, something honest. Avoid manipulation. Be careful about opportunists. They can spot you a mile off.

If it’s going to work you’ll know. If it’s not going to work you’ll be trying to make it work. That’s contrivance. It brings pain in the future.

I can’t answer all those other questions right now. You should be able to figure some answers out yourself. I’ve taught you principles. Just apply. You don’t need my validation.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

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Tags : Life partner, Marriage

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