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Read Letter

Can’t hear, Can’t See!

My dear Jack, you don’t want to be deaf and blind in marriage. That’s a terrible state. If you’re blind in marriage you won’t see what’s happening around you. You won’t see pain, you won’t see frowns, you won’t see laughter, and you won’t see anger. And if you’re deaf in marriage you won’t listen to advice, neither will you listen to yearnings. In other words, if you’re deaf and blind in your marriage you lose visual and tonal sensitivity.

You need to realise women do a lot of non-vocal communication. It’s how you got to know she liked you. It’s how you knew you could approach her. She didn’t say, Come! You’ll be a clod imagining your wife will spell everything out in words. It doesn’t happen that way. Women speak in pulses. Pulses are like signals. You have to be very literate in woman-speak, and you have to know how to decode those pulses. And so when she asks you what are you doing after work that’s not really what she’s after. She’s going somewhere metaphorically and may be literally.

Women can conversate perfectly in questions. They can write whole paragraphs, and even an entire book in questions. And you’ll read it as prose. You have to have an alternate dictionary so when she asks you those questions you know what she means. You can’t be clueless. Many times those questions are magisterial. It’s like facing a judge in an inquisition. When she does that she’s reading clues from your face, watching your body language for answers. You have to get used to her monitoring you and monitoring your movement. Sometimes that is driven by care and affection, and sometimes it’s driven by insecurity. As a man you must learn affirmative speaking. You have to affirm your love for her regularly, in words and gestures and deeds. You have to have the patience to do that. You must develop emotional capacity for that.

Men tend to be dismissive and summary in approach to conversation. Women like to discuss. They’re the real discussants though men imagine they are. Which is why their sentences are structured, starting with foundation and context. They need to get things out of their system. It’s why they give you context before proceeding to the point. And there are side contexts, which can drive a man crazy. Patience brother!

If you don’t allow her ventilate fully the remnant will remain in her system. It’s still going to be expressed one way or another. She’ll wait for another occasion, even if the issues are unrelated. If your impatience doesn’t allow her to fully ventilate she’ll chalk it up as another instance of your oppressive tendencies. She doesn’t really mean it that way. She’s just trying to explain how important what she wants to say is.

You have to dwell with your woman in knowledge. You must understand her speech language, be able to interpret her nuances. And women hate being ignored. You can’t regard her speech as tedium. You signed up for it when you said “I do!” A marriage novice will not get all this immediately. He can’t understand the import of those ventilations. It’s why young marriages are full of quarrels. But as you grow older and wiser you’ll understand your wife better. And she you. Marriage is negotiation of accommodation. If you’re not ready to negotiate terms of affection you won’t have a successful marriage. There are terms of affection. There’s a way and manner she wants to be loved. And you must be ready for the back and forth of emotional demand and supply. She’s going to make a demand on your emotional bank.

When she supplies affection to you by asking questions about your wellbeing, if you take that as bothersome you’ll be missing the point. If you don’t allow her express that affection it’s akin to denial of her fundamental marital rights. Get used to being loved by a woman a woman’s way. A lot depends on the kind of relationship you have. If you’re her best friend, and you should be, there’s going to be emotional demand placed on you. Don’t forget you’re the zipper and unzipper. To the average man these are tedious chores. But to the woman it’s actually expression of affection for you. You and you alone have that privilege. It is nuances like this you have to understand. You must understand “Womanese”, aka the language of women.

Same thing when she asks you to help out in the kitchen. Or tells you to leave the kitchen. One is demand for affection, the other is expression of affection. Yes! How?! It’s simple. When she tells you to leave the kitchen it’s something like saying, you’re a loving nuisance but I got this. I can handle it on my own, I can take care of you on my own. And when she demands you stay with her in the kitchen it’s like saying, I want you to appreciate the troubles I go through to make those meals for you. Show me you care and appreciate it. Show me some understanding.

Yes, “Womanese” is a complex language. It’s more complex than Chinese. But you’ve got to learn it if you want to have a successful marriage. Or she’ll keep reporting your sins to your friends in a lovingly serious manner. Some of the jokes will be factual reporting, in love. But you need to pay attention to those pulses more. It’s a major language program. It’s full of shades of nuances. Sometimes it’s accompanied by a subtle expression, like a coy look. And sometimes it’s not. The expression is emphasis. And so there’s all those conversations going on without words, pulses sent out she expects you to respond to in action, not words. You’re supposed to understand.

You must be able to sense her moods as well, be able to perceive the barely perceptible. You can sense the mood atmospherically. If the atmosphere in the house changes from the mean setting something is wrong. If her mood becomes a shade darker you’re supposed to sense it immediately. Surprisingly it’s more pronounced with quiet women. Those pulses are actually thought pulses. Men are equipped with receivers which double as decoder. It’s important you learn how to respond to those pulses. If she sends out a pulse that says I want you to hold me you’ll spoil the mood by asking, What do you want? Of course you mean well but you’re not supposed to ask, you’re supposed to know! If you ask she deems you clueless and tiring. Your ability to interpret that pulse means a lot to her. Makes her feel she’s with the right man, someone who just “gets” her.

You have to be very sensitive in your marriage. You must be able to detect when she’s unhappy with you and not just carry on as usual. That can quickly generate quiet quarrels. And it can lead to accusations of you don’t care, though she knows you care. What that means is, you don’t care enough, you don’t care enough about her FEELINGS! You must care about those feelings. If you don’t care about her feelings you won’t be rated a great husband. Whatever you do will hardly be enough. Feelings matter to women. So be a wise young man. You don’t want her unhappy. If she’s unhappy she’s going to make you unhappy. That’s how it is.

Marriage is a bothersome program. You must be ready to be bothered. You must be willing to pause your TV program to listen to her. Easier if you have a PVR. If not, count your digital loss. And when she comes to sit in your space as you watch TV that’s her saying I’m spending time with you. Of course men don’t see it that way but marriage is governed by Womanese not Manese. Manese is man’s language.

As you grow older you’ll realise the woman owns the marriage. It belongs to her. That’s not a fact a young man can easily understand but life will give you that understanding. The home also belongs to her. You’re an occupant. It’s why she dictates toilet rules, why she controls the kitchen and the bedroom. The home belongs to her. You must give her administrative latitude. And anyway you don’t have her capacities when it comes to running the home. There are of course men who are exceptions to this, just as there are women exceptions. But this is a wisdom understood by generations of successfully married men. Better to absorb the wisdom.

And so you must be aware in marriage. You can’t be deaf to wisdom and blind to facts in your marriage.

You need wisdom to function as a husband. And you also need understanding. But you can’t have either without knowledge.

Put in your best, ok? It will pay off in future.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

You need wisdom and understanding to function as a husband. But you can’t have either without knowledge. Click To Tweet



Tags : Communication, Marriage

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