My dear Jil, I think a relationship loses something when there are so many calculations involved. I think it loses sincerity. The relationship becomes very much like a politician governing by opinion polls. Before he does anything he checks the polls. You can’t provide courageous leadership depending on poll numbers. That of course is not saying government should be insensitive. But courage in leadership entails doing what’s right not reading the tea leaves of popular opinion. The people soon come around when what is right is done.
If you’re so calculating in your relationship, every move becomes a chess play. You’ll not only lose sincerity in the relationship you’ll also lose authenticity. Everything becomes contrived. This calculatedness is often referred to as “smartness.” But what it does is that it erodes trust. You won’t be trusted because the motivation is engineered. And such things are often “me” projects – the watching out for self, the extraction of self benefits from a partner… It makes a partner wonder if you truly love him. There’s also the control factor. Those calculations are supposed to hand you control of the relationship, but you’ll be controlling something inauthentic. There’s no trust. Besides you can never truly give yourself to such a relationship. You’ll be giving a projection of yourself not your true self. We sometimes do this not to get hurt. But then the smartness makes the other party feel he’s being treated like a fool. And that’s how you become too smart for yourself and your happiness. With all the calculations you unwittingly negate what you really want.
If everything you do in a relationship is calculated and motivated by predefined objectives the relationship will lack the essential nutrients of sincerity and honesty. But I do understand why you do what you do. It has to do with human architecture. I’ve spent time trying to understand human architecture. Human architecture is interesting. It’s in two layers, the two layers separated by a protective membrane. The first layer of human architecture is the interaction layer. We interact with the world with it. It’s what we employ to make impressions. When you talk about first impressions it’s that layer being projected. It can be projected honestly or calculatedly. The second layer of human architecture is the core – our inner self. The core is our real self. It houses the raw form of our emotions.
The reason some people “turn out” terrible after we get to know them is because our first impression was based on their projected self. Which is why you shouldn’t rush into a marriage. You need to know the person, who he really is. For some women the projection is beauty and sexuality. Because these projections scramble neurological transmitters men get smitten, meaning their thinking capacity becomes messed up. Projection is what it is. It’s often packaged as persona. That persona negotiates with the world, negotiates affection as well. But the real us is on the inside. That’s the one your spouse should get to know, the one he must relate to. That’s the real you. But we hardly want anyone in there. And we guard our insides. When a girl doesn’t want it too obvious she likes a guy she’s guarding her self. She’s afraid he’ll take advantage of that knowledge. We shield our insides with a protective membrane called aloofness. It’s like a puff of air and space. Think bubble wrap. Those we allow access into us must be trusted people, people with character. When access is abused there’s pain and anguish. Our insides are that raw. When trust is reposed and abused it can be psychologically shattering, so much so some people never recover.
But you need honesty and sincerity in your relationship. It’s what makes it real, uncontrived. Those who start with dishonesty lay a poor foundation for their relationship.
A relationship is not a game. Don’t treat it as such. Beings are involved. Which is why you don’t play with people’s emotions. Don’t string people along. You may accidentally shatter something that can’t be put back together. And what happens when two people in a “relationship” decide to play each other? How much of relationship is that relationship? That relationship will become tedious work. You’ll need to anticipate every move of your partner. You have to be two steps ahead. That’s tedious. That relationship will descend into a game of wits. There’ll be no trust. That’s not a healthy relationship. When he says he’s somewhere you’ll have to ask for corroboration of fact. You don’t trust him. Even after that you’ll call someone else to ascertain his whereabouts. What type of relationship is that? That’s not a healthy relationship, that’s a detective agency. Indeed if you have to verify what your partner says every time you’re the truth committee.
Authenticity is what happens when our projected self matches our inner self. There’ll be no two layers, there’ll just be us. When there’s relational integrity between what you say and who you are your trust equity goes up. You become authentic. Some people are very confusing. There’s all the attractiveness, projections and persona saying one thing, but then the character saying another. They’re like two people in one person. You can’t relate their persona and what they profess to the reality of who they are. That can be very confusing. Who’s who? And who’s the real person? Eventually who we are comes out of us. Deceit lasts only so long. Deceit has an expiry date. Be your true self. Stop projecting with a view to “smartness.” You’ll present yourself a split personality eventually. And you’ll come across as manipulative. If you have to work on your self work on your self. We all have to work on our character, constantly fine tune us. If your values are defective edit your list. You won’t get past your character in life.
Character is the mechanisation of values. Unknown to many character is a major attractive factor. It has more sustaining power than beauty or personality. Without character personality can cause grief. And it’s true what they say – beauty is skin deep. It can’t sustain a marriage, has never done. Quit projecting. You’re not coming across as sincere and honest. You’re creating a wrong impression of yourself. And people can see through, see the misalignment. Only they won’t tell you. There are things nobody will say to us. The world will hardly tell you about your character deformation. That’s because they’re afraid of what your response will be, or it’s too much emotional trouble undertaking such communication. What is it to them? Our false projections thus perpetuate a deformed character. We think the world is fooled but they’re not! Be honest and sincere in your relationship.
That said, protect your core. Don’t expose yourself to unsavoury character. Once the story is getting too long, and the tale is sounding like a thriller chances are you’re dealing with a thriller. Once a guy is full of stories and he begins to tell other stories to explain his original story you’re dealing with creative arts. And once he starts aiming for your savings and finance at the very early stage of your relationship you’re dealing with a debit agency. If you start hearing sorry tales with dollars assigned beware. Your relationship may be foreign exchange transaction. Sorry tales breed sorry tales.
There’s also the drip, drip strategy. Your money starts dripping into his pocket with little, little askings. They’ll eventually total up. Be mindful. If on the expected day of repayment of your loan a lion suddenly escaped from the zoo and developed an appetite for your money you’re going to hear more fantastical tales down the line. Cut your loss. You won’t get a penny back from him. If after lending him a substantial sum the answering of your calls now has an increasing time lag you’re dealing with an early warning system your money is not coming back. If you lent him bulk sum but you literally have to pare his bony fingers to get a few pennies back, your money is gone, spent! If he knows you have money in the bank and suddenly begins to get business ideas that require your financing, better be careful. Especially if the estimated investment is the size of your savings. These are often early signs of danger. He’s not in the relationship for you he’s in it for your money. He’s going to exploit you. You laid yourself bare with unearned trust.
Trust is earned. It is not a chieftaincy title. It’s not conferred.
