My dear Jil, faith sounds like a very big and very deep word. And so I’m going to try and break it down for you in very practical terms. Simply put there ought to be simple trust in a relationship. By this I don’t mean the big things we tend to focus on, things like sexual and emotional faithfulness. I’m talking about the day to day relationship. I’m talking about believing in the love of someone. That’s simple trust. It’s not evidence based. It requires no proof. You just know someone loves you, genuinely, from the heart. And you reciprocate that love genuinely and wholeheartedly. That’s simple trust.
The love based on simple trust is not convoluted, and it’s not based on calculations. It’s not calculating at all. Just simple trust. Simple trust is about wanting to love someone, wanting to believe in someone, giving your heart to someone. That’s simple trust. Simple trust is about wanting the best for someone, because you know that person loves you. It’s almost like foolish faith, this simple trust. You want the best for the relationship. You desperately need the relationship to work. Based on that faith you put in your best in the relationship. That’s simple trust. It’s about believing in someone you love, someone who means the world to you, someone for whom you can lay down your life. All because of the integrity of the person’s heart. You know this person wants the best for you, will go out of his way to make sure you’re happy. And you bask in that security. That’s simple trust.
It’s about wanting to please the other person, doing everything you can to enhance the other person. That’s simple trust. It’s about being there for someone, and the other person knowing you’ll always be there for him. That’s simple trust. It’s about wanting to be with the other person, being assured of his love, the genuineness of his heart. It’s an assumed state of mind, the belief the relationship is, will always be. It’s about communion, the sharing of hopes, of dreams, of heart. That’s simple trust.
Simple trust is a set of assumptions. It is believing the best of your partner, even when the evidence seems contrary. There has to be an explanation you say to yourself. It’s not in his character. Simple trust does not rush to judgment. There’s the power and simplicity of faith in your partner, trusting in his word, spoken and unspoken. It’s about trusting the character of your partner. You know you’ve got his back, you know he’s got your back. You’re one, together in partnership. That’s simple trust. It’s about shared secrets, the disposition of heart towards one another. That’s simple trust. It’s about crediting the other party with integrity of heart towards you. It’s you knowing this person will not leave you high and dry, that you’re together in everything. That’s simple trust. It’s the valuing of the oneness of the relationship, being appreciative of the love and joy and peace… Oh, the quiet joys of a wonderful relationship.
Simple trust does not overthink a relationship. Simple trust is a covenant of hearts, it’s two people as one. If simple trust is missing in your relationship there’ll be fears of possibilities, fears of tomorrow, fears of the unknown. When simple trust is missing in a relationship there’ll be contingency planning. Human resources will not be fully devoted to the relationship. There’ll be division and expropriation of material – emotional and spiritual resources, as back up for the unknown. You erode simple trust in a relationship through simple disappointment. Without faith there can be no disappointment. That’s not saying our partners will be perfect. No one is. It’s why we make allowances, overlook things. The present continuous state of the heart is what matters. You ought to learn to forgive, and move on.
You can’t be on the lookout for disappointment in your partner. That’s unhealthy. If you have faith your partner will one day disappoint you, and this despite his wonderfulness, chances are your prayer will be answered. Your fears will create the condition that generates such disappointment. Your partner will not be perfect, can’t be perfect. You don’t berate him over innocuous issues. You’re imperfect yourself. You’re not the standard. The heart is what matters in a relationship. That’s where intentions are. That’s where motives are. That’s where deceit takes up residence. Simple trust does not automatically ascribe wrong motivation to poor behaviour. Sometimes good intentions are just badly executed. Simple trust will not suspect simple phone calls. Simple trust assumes the best of a partner. Oh, the ease of a marriage where there’s simple trust. There’s so much atmospheric ease. The basis of simple trust is love. It’s good to know someone loves you, to know someone will always be there for you, watching your back. What an assuring feeling that gives.
When there’s simple trust there’ll be easy cooperation in a marriage. The vision is a doubles team in tennis. It is important partners think good thoughts towards each other. There’s no possibility of acrimony where there’s love. It’s also important for partners to be devoted to one another. Where there’s devotion there’ll be loyalty. And partners must sail in the same direction in a marriage. Partners must row in the same direction. Or they’ll be expending their life resources against momentum in their marriage. Emotion is energy. It can fuel a feeling of love, the expression of love. But it can also sponsor dangerous thoughts in a marriage. Which is why a marriage must be built on stronger and deeper resources. There must be true friendship, true loyalty. When a marriage is based on just physical attraction the depth is only skin deep – barely an inch or two deep. Where there’s no depth in a relationship a couple can’t face challenges as one. The storms of life will topple such a marriage easily. There was never commitment of the deep variety. Depth in a marriage requires deep commitment. There must be commitment on both sides. You can’t have a beautiful and meaningful marriage without commitment to that fact.
Each party must make his or her own resolution concerning the other party in a marriage. There must be commitment to the happiness of the other party. One way to know what your partner means to you is to imagine what would happen if you lose your partner. Will you be in unfathomable pain, will you be indifferent, will there be relief, or will you be joyful? Yes, it’s morbid analysis but it’s a true analysis of the heart. How will you feel if you lose your partner? There are those who will be inconsolable at the loss of their partner. Some can’t remarry afterwards. They can’t bear the thought of replacement. That someone is so special to them, so unique nothing compares and nothing can ever compare. They’d rather go home with fond memories. These people won’t want subsequent history to pollute the narrative of the beauty of the life they shared. The memories are preserved through non-contamination.
When we lose someone we truly cherish and love there’s a huge void in our life. Life won’t make easy sense again. We become numb to life. When we lose someone we love there’s an ache on the inside, an ache that cannot be described. We lose our bearing. Life feels incomplete. Therefore if someone is special to you, you must be careful how you treat the person.
Appreciate the value of simple trust in life. When trust is reposed in you, value it.
Simple trust Jil. It makes marriage so easy and so beautiful.
