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Read Letter

A Woman’s Commitment

My dear Jack, you’re going to put yourself on an emotional rollercoaster trying to keep this lady. Your heart can’t afford it. First, your relationship is in a state of plausible deniability. She never said yes to your boyfriend proposal. She just allowed things to carry on. There’s no definitiveness about the relationship. Perhaps you should have asked her a simple question: Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now? Sometimes it’s wise to ask such questions, especially if a relationship seems borderline. Not sure she really wants to date you. Seems she just used you as a gap filler. She didn’t want to be alone. She sucked emotional nutrient from you but she had no plan to commit to you.

All that kissing and petting… To her they don’t necessarily signify relationship. As far as she’s concerned you were a service provider. She didn’t consider those activities deep. It’s apparent she’s not emotionally attached to you despite the kisses. That’s not altogether strange in the age of friends with benefit relationships. No emotional commitment. It’s difficult and confusing chasing who doesn’t want you but occasionally turns round to use you for gratification. You feel used. In any relationship you ought to ask yourself, is she committed to me? If there’s no commitment there’s no possibility of proprietary affection. And I’m sure you sensed she wasn’t with you. But you wanted her so much you were ready to approximate her seeming disposition into a relationship. She didn’t suddenly change as you imagine. She just decided to put a stop to the whole thing. It was getting too long. Which means she expected your relationship to be an interim measure. But then you were getting too serious for her liking and before you start talking about marriage she decided to put a stop to the “nonsense.” It’s why she stopped picking your calls.

Bottom line, you’re neither who she wants nor what she wants. That hurts but it’s better to face reality. That someone chats regularly with you on WhatsApp doesn’t mean the person wants you as primary friend. Some people like chatting. Each time she chatted with you she was probably chatting with multiple others, each person supplying a unique piece of her need. All those borderline chats she had with you… She was voyeuring on being wanted and desired. When she told you she’s giving up on love because of her past experiences it just means something didn’t click with the person she had hopes for and invested in. It had nothing to do with you. There was a disappointment. And the reason you know is because it’s contextually irrelevant to your relationship. Just seems out of the blue. It’s why you’re wondering what she’s talking about. It has nothing to do with you. You were never her primary interest, just someone she occupied herself with until he that is expected finally manifests.

You ought to know when to cut your loss in a relationship. If you don’t the price gets steeper as you invest in hope more and more. There’s that point two people seal a relationship. But there’s all the negotiation before that point – both parties trying to see if the other party really wants the relationship. If a lady senses commitment to the idea of the relationship she’ll begin to make statements that assume the relationship. Those statements essentially mean, let’s do this. But if she doesn’t sense commitment on your part she’ll be coy. She’ll withhold statements of affection. She’ll leave questions hanging or unanswered. It’s either because she can’t sense commitment on your part or because she’s not sure of the relationship. She wants to be “safe” before she bares her feeling. She needs words of assurance. She needs commitment. Without it she’ll start a tortured negotiation dance. And so even though you know she likes you through her body language and disposition, she won’t verbalise it until she feels safe. She doesn’t want rejection. And she doesn’t want to pine after a guy in vain. So there’s all that pre-relationship negotiation going on. It’s always like that. You have to understand women. She wants commitment, needs commitment. If she’s not sure of your commitment to her she’ll be careful about her texts. She wants to be sure her desires are reciprocated. The more she trusts you the more open and honest the texts will be, and the more exposed she’ll be to you. It’s all a mating dance.

If you’re not getting commitment vibes from her despite your massive commitment you ought to be circumspect. It means she’s holding out for someone, or she’s trying to convince herself you’re the best she can get in the circumstance. If there’s a stronger contender outside you’ll get coy feedbacks. That commitment is important to a woman. It’s what determines the devotion of her heart. When she goes in she goes in in full. It can be so aggressive. You’ll be alarmed at the rate at which she’ll take over your life. She’ll begin to reorganise your life, begin to implement an improvement strategy. She’ll take charge of your welfare, take over your kitchen… If you have a chef she’ll take charge of him, start giving him instructions. He becomes her staff. She establishes her authority. She begins to soften your home. She rounds off sharp edges. New throw pillows will come in, a new colour scheme will emerge. She’s trying to contribute her quota. She’ll take over management of your health, assume responsibility. She’ll convince herself it’s because she wants you to live long. That’ll be the basis of introducing you to “healthy diet” – meaning no more sweet stuff in your life. Your sugar intake will be cut down drastically, your salt intake will suffer depreciation. You’ll be encouraged to start exercising… You’ve just begun!

Relationship is a present continuous phenomenon to a woman. She does continuous improvement and the pace is relentless. When a woman is in your life it’s apparent. And so if all you were getting was a regime of kisses unaccompanied by the things listed above there’s no commitment from her. All you have is kisses. If there’s commitment there’ll be no surreptitious visit to your house. She wants the world to know there’s a new sheriff is in town. She serves notice to everyone. She takes over the admin functions of your life. Your home begins to run with the regularity of clockwork. You can count on her consistency. In return she wants to know you’ve got her back, that she has you as fall back. She negotiates a massive commitment that’s almost like a covenant. But in return she expects similar commitment. That’s a lot of commitment either way. The commitment she gives is a mixture of protection, loyalty, intimacy, provision of secret joy. She wants to be loved, to belong to you. She wants to be special to you. If you don’t have this commitment you don’t have a sealed deal. Your relationship is tentative. Anything can happen.

When a woman is committed you know. Its missionary in taste and flavour. You feel it. And it shows on her face. She’ll look forward to seeing you, be glad she’s with you, dress for you. The nuances will be obvious. You’ll feel a softness about her. She’ll show care, do simple stuff to show you she cares, like volunteering to help you pack your luggage, or wearing your shirt. If she doesn’t want you she becomes a philosopher and love fatalist. It’s then you hear things like she has given up on love because of past experiences. As if love is a hopeless person.

I’ve taken time to explain all this to you so you at least have a sense of what’s going on. So cut your loss young man. You’re wasting your time. Even if she convinces herself to take on the relationship, because there’s no commitment on her part the relationship is not safe. It can break any time. It can break by voluntary liquidation, or break through non remittance of affection. The love becomes dry and plaintive. You’ll suffer emotional malnutrition. And once the real dude shows up you’re a goner. She’s going to dump the relationship. You were never what she wanted. The relationship can also break if a wanted figure from the past emerges from his prior entanglement and is now free. He becomes an automatic threat. If she’s not yours you can’t hold on to her though she’s with you. Her heart commitment is what determines if she’s yours.

Walk away young man. She’s given you an opening. She expects you to take the cue. She doesn’t want you to try and persuade her to stay in the relationship. She’s made up her mind. She’s only sad because she’s started another cycle of getting out of what she doesn’t want. That’s painful and disappointing. You’re not the first “disappointment.” Why don’t you wait for someone who wants you, someone who’ll commit to you, whose heart is yours. Wanting someone who doesn’t want you is like trying to grasp something beyond reach, something you can’t quite clasp your fingers on. It keeps eluding you. If you don’t cut your loss and move on you’ll waste your energy trying to achieve the ultimately disappointing.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

You ought to know when to cut your loss in a relationship. If you don’t the price gets steeper as you invest in hope more and more. Click To Tweet
Tags : Relationship, Commitment, Emotions

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