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Read Letter

Seal The Deal

My dear Jil, the problem I see here is you don’t know when to stop negotiating affection and desire. You’re like a poor algebra student who doesn’t realise 4a+3b is a final answer and not 7ab. You wanted this guy. For many reasons he couldn’t look your way. He finally does and you move into a coy state. Shouldn’t you seal the deal rather than keep editing the terms of the relationship contract? The guy is now interested in you and you’re playing out of reach. You’re trying to make it seem you weren’t interested in the relationship, that he’s the one chasing you without your prompting. All this to assume leverage and control? Also to make you feel wanted?

It would seem the process of being desired is more important to you than a relationship. Would also seem control of a relationship is more important to you than anything else. You’re turning the whole thing into a sort of game. But you never bothered to find out if he’s interested in playing games. Suppose he’s not? Aren’t you assuming a lot of things – that you’re compelling enough for example? (Being blunt). In other words, despite your desires, flirting seems more important to you than having a relationship. But there are things flirting can’t deliver. It can deliver interest but cannot deliver attachment. You’re getting lost in all that process of being wanted and you’re taking your eyes off the ball. You’re not even paying attention to the guy. And it’s your insecurities that are showing up, though you’ll never admit it. You’ve created a long sequence mating ritual, the type few men have the capacity to endure.
Yes, there are all those stories about a young man who pursues a girl for 3 years, but nobody tells the full story. The FULL story may be that he met other girls along the way but things didn’t work out. But he met other prospects. The story would have changed if things had turned fortuitous with the other girls. So it’s not as if he was pining away for three years, life attempted matchmaking. Things just didn’t work out. Besides those kind of men are a rare breed. They have emotional capacity for that level of persistence. Most men don’t and that’s the truth. They give up and just move on. How many of these cases have you come across? How many men do you know who pursued a lady for 4, 5 years? Look around you. They’re rare. And many times they’re socially or culturally disadvantaged. You may therefore be playing a wrong game. And you’re definitely playing a game for the wrong market. This guy is not in that market.
You ought to know when to seal a deal. No wise businesswoman keeps negotiating a deal for the sake of negotiation. But that’s what you’re doing. Don’t forget he’s wondering what you’re doing. He can’t understand what you’re doing. You’re lost in your own game. And he’s slowly taking a decision. He’ll cut off interest if you persist. As long as the game is more important to you than a relationship you’re going to come up short. You can’t have it both ways. Insincerity and pretext has been introduced into the context. The way it is you’re an elusive quantity, something palpable that became ephemeral. You’re now something his fingers can’t clasp. You dematerialised yourself unwittingly. That’s what the game does to you. You were 65% through your pre-relationship negotiation. At that threshold a relationship can start. Some start well below that mark. You were trying to extract commitment and promises from him. He gave them to you and you suddenly returned to the first paragraph of the draft contract. You went into renegotiation. What you were afraid of was finally assuaged. You wanted to be needed, to be wanted, to be celebrated and cared for. And now you have that commitment and you’re playing games. How wise is that? Men have been known to walk out at this stage. You need to understand men’s psyche. The average man doesn’t want a tortured mating dance.
If you continue you’ll lose him to someone less pretty, who’s available; someone you’re not even aware of. And I’m giving you inside information. From what I’ve heard she’s open, smart, and sincere with her affection… She’s not pretending she doesn’t want him. She made it clear she wants him. But for reasons best known to him he wants you. Obviously there’s something about you he likes. He knows you can be devoted if you commit. He knows he can somehow trust you. He knows you care about him… Knows the relationship means something to you. You’re assuming unfortunately that at this stage in the negotiation you have him and there’s no other option available to him. And so you’re self-voyeuring, preening like a show horse. That’s a mistake. Many times men will ignore what is beautiful and very desirable but emotionally unavailable for what is emotionally available though less pretty.
I think you’re miscalculating and you’ve taken your eyes off the ball. You’re editing the facts of your relationship in your attempt to turn yourself into a princess. Sometimes we don’t know why people want us, why they like us. From what I can see one of the reasons he likes you is the fact you wanted him, coupled with your availability. Availability matters in relationship. He sees you as someone he can confide in, share things with… There’s an intimacy factor. He feels he can trust you. Somehow. And you feel at home with him. Somehow. You can’t explain it. If you’re not emotionally available however you defeat the purport of his interest. You negate your desirability. Go and seal this deal and stop playing games. You want a certain level of commitment, someone who can be there for you. You want someone you can be safe with, someone to trust, who won’t judge you… Someone who genuinely cares about YOU… The things you want are almost spiritual in quantity. The loyalty and devotion you desire is almost covenantal in quality. And you want fierce affection.
Perhaps your fear of rejection is what’s propelling your behaviour, and I get that. Nobody likes rejection. You feel insecure. That coupled with the fact you see yourself a certain way and don’t want to be taken for granted means you’ll behave a certain way. I get it. Only be careful you’re not being prideful. Besides you’re going about things the wrong way. The way to be wanted is not to not want to be wanted. Unfortunately that’s the vibe you’re sending out. And what you’re negotiating to have you already have! Those insecurities… They’ll mess things up for you. Rein in your insecurities. Some of the things you’re doing are absolutely unnecessary.
You’re essentially asking him to leave you alone though you think you’re making him want you. You’re not aware you’re telling him you’re not going to be his. And he’s thinking he might as well face the other lady. She’s not playing all these games. She’s straightforward and honest with her desire. You wrote that you want him to fight for you. That’s okay if your name is Fiona and you’re a green princess in Shrek. Shrek is a movie mind you, a cartoon for that matter! That you want a man to “fight for you” doesn’t give you license to be emotionally elusive. It’s not a license to do as you like irrespective of the other party’s feelings. That’s not love, that’s selfishness. Let him fight for you for genuine causes – like a family opposition to you on account of your tribal identity for example. But this fight you’re imagining is a contrived sort. It’s you putting him off and wanting him to keep running after you. No one wants to run after something perpetually. No one has that capacity. You’re wearing him out. There’s no reciprocity from you. Not even with texts. He has to take the initiative always. That’s tiring. You’re not behaving like someone who wants a relationship.
Why don’t you just be nice? Suspend all the game. It’s immature. And you’re hurting your chances. You’ll lose him. And when you lose him your pride won’t accept the fact. You’ll edit the facts to fit a narrative that sounds good in the ears of third parties. But it’s of little comfort to you. There are some common traits in men but they’re not often what women imagine. Not all men play games for instance, or are interested in games. Some people are just serious and straightforward. This guy is straightforward, and so the “all men are the same let me play the difficult to have game” strategy is ill-suited. The guy is different. You ought to study whom you’re dealing with, study what matters to him. You ought to study his values and stop applying hairdressing salon philosophy to all men. Your man may just elude you.
Like I said it’s important you know why a man wants you. Ask him. Your beauty may be the least consideration. You’re playing the beauty game. Look at the marriage of your parents. Their marriage is successful. Why do you think your dad loves your mum? Because of her beauty or something deeper? Learn from them. And anyway the beauty will fade. It always does. At some point graphic lines will appear on the face, the skin will lose turgidity, and some things will follow gravitational trajectory. It’s why friendship is so important in a relationship. It’s what sustains marriage. The romance will not always be feasible, sex will not always be possible… But friendship is constant.
From what I see, this guy is not looking for just any woman. He wants a devoted woman. And he wants a relationship that’s uncontrived. Something easy and honest. Be the friend he needs. Display a loving and friendly disposition. Be open. Be cooperative. It fosters relationship. Remember that ancient proverb: He that hath friends must show himself friendly. In other words, what you want in a relationship, display. You want friendship? Be friendly. It’s that simple.
I pray this letter galvanises you.
© Leke Alder |
Many times men will ignore what is beautiful and very desirable but emotionally unavailable for what is emotionally available though less pretty. Click To Tweet
Tags : Relationship, Friendship, dating standards, hard to get

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