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Read Letter

So You Want A Relationship?

Jil, the challenge you have is that you’re sending out the wrong vibes. You’re giving the impression you don’t want a relationship when in fact you want one. You’re dismissive in attitude, portray a picture of self sufficiency and therefore have no need of a guy. Guys are reading those cues and staying away. What do you expect? It would be foolhardy of any guy to approach you given the vibes you’re sending out. You’re making it clear you don’t want a relationship. No guy wants to embark on a fool’s errand.

Part of the problem is your temperament. And your wilfulness. It sends a message of combativeness and unwillingness to listen to reason. It gives the impression there’ll be so many arguments in the relationship. Many guys can’t handle that. They just want peace. They don’t want to be in a relationship in which every point is contested. That’s not saying there aren’t guys who want to take that on, but they’re rare. Your scope of choice is thus narrow. You’re a niche player. If your statements are cutting in a conversation and you can’t accommodate a gracious give and take, being willing to even hear the other party out, people are going to keep away from you. The fact you also archive texts is scary, especially given the fact you reference them like a lawyer. Anyone will be scared of that. That’s a rather looooong memory system.

Another problem is that you don’t want to be vulnerable. But how can you be in a relationship and not be vulnerable. You put up these fences to protect yourself but fences also keep people away. Because you’re argumentative the emotional cost of relating with you is too high. A high emotional cost depreciates value. A high emotional cost also wipes out intrinsic worth. The cost is so high it overshadows your wonderful qualities. You have those wonderful qualities. But they’re obscured by these things. And many of those things are so unnecessary. It’s gotten to the point you just act instinctively – arguing for the sake of arguing. You just want to have your way. And when people feel you won’t listen they’ll say to themselves, what’s the point! They’ll relate to you on other parameters but will be afraid of intimacy with you.

The other reason people will be worried about those stored texts is because it suggests vindictiveness, like you must not be offended. No one wants to be in a relationship with the unforgiving. You may not want to hear this but your dressing is another factor. You don’t take care of yourself. Of course you have a right to present yourself as you like, if just to prove a point but don’t forget men are ruled by imagery. You can’t stick to that right and then turn around and complain men are superficial. They have a right to be superficial, just as you have a right to have an uncaring attitude about your appearance.

Men are into imagery. It’s what the look SUGGESTS that matters. If a Beyonce LOOK is a man’s idea of beauty whoever has a semblance of that look will be considered attractive, even if she’s a far cry from the real thing. Wigs can serve that purpose. Now, don’t interpret that to mean men don’t care about values. Not so. And anyway the number one value for men when it comes to relationship is agreeability. Agreeability produces peace. And so when you’re difficult you chase men away from you. Too much emotional cost. Too much will be required to have a relationship.

This is a true story I’m about to tell you. Two guys invited two ladies out on a Friday after close of work. They just wanted to have drinks and may be dinner. They were all single. The guys were professionals, one lady was a lawyer, the other an entrepreneur. They agreed to meet at a mall at 7pm. And so they did. The understanding was, they would choose where to have drinks when they meet in the parking lot of the mall. They could patronise a bar in the mall, have dinner at one of the restaurants, or go to another venue entirely. And so they met, hoping to relax and enjoy each other’s company. It was Friday night. They were paired. They just needed to choose a restaurant or bar. There was only one problem. Every suggestion made was unacceptable to the entrepreneur lady. And she had no suggestions of her own. Can we try this? No! Can we try this other place? No! How about here? I don’t like it. What do you want? I don’t know. She held everyone hostage, and this exacting exercise of choice went on for almost forty-five minutes. Everyone was fed up. Somehow she couldn’t see she was destroying the evening. She was habitually controlling. She had no sensitivity. Never occurred to her she could forbear some specs for the sake of the company. At the end of forty-five minutes everyone despaired of her. The other lady was visibly irritated. Everyone regretted planning the evening with her. They couldn’t even think of a way to get rid of her and go and have their drink. She wore everyone out emotionally. She destroyed that Friday. They soon agreed to disperse. They were emotionally worn out. They just couldn’t bear her again. One disagreeable person can hold an entire group to ransom. That’s the power of negative attitude. They swore in their post analysis on WhatsApp they’ll never invite her out again, and they kept their word. What’s the point? She was difficult. Two single girls, two single guys and someone ruined the possibilities with wilfulness and self-centeredness. That is an illustration of what people mean when they say someone is difficult. There’s no spirit of agreeability. You can’t have a relationship without agreeability. Two can’t walk together except they agree.

If you want a relationship you have to be willing to forbear and accommodate viewpoints, even if you don’t agree with those viewpoints. That’s what it takes to have a relationship. But if you must have your way in a discussion and turn it into an “I must win” scenario you’ll lose valuable friendships. In fact some relationships will never start. People will run away. You’ll become an insufferable personality, a very irritable personality. You won’t be aware of the level of irritability because you’ll be happy you had your way. The discussion will turn quietly bitter and nasty, with a negative after taste; or the other party may concede just for the sake of peace. But then what do you have?

You can’t continue this way. You’ll lack what you need and those needs are going to hit you hard when you’re alone. You’re going to be unhappy. Of course you’re going to generate an excuse for why guys are keeping away, saying they’re scared of confident women, etc. But in your heart of heart you know that’s not the case. Stop cutting people down in your conversation. Stop being argumentative in discussions. Stop dragging simple issues. Don’t be disagreeable. Forbear other people’s views. Take care of your appearance. These things matter if you want a relationship. Even in business appearance matters. And we don’t complain in that context. How come we imagine we can get away with poor appearance in social context?

You can’t want people to like you and be doing disagreeable things. It won’t add up. You can’t imagine you can do whatever you like, say whatever you like, show no sensitivity and imagine people will be drooling all over you. You’re hurting people. There are people who give pain when they relate. Five minutes into a conversation and they’re saying hurtful things, seeking to cut people down, reduce your standing. You shouldn’t be that person. That’s relationship on pain of punishment. Guys will be afraid of being locked up in a relationship with such a person. There’ll be too much pain. You can’t say that’s how you are. If that is the case, don’t look for a relationship. Stay single. After all that’s how you are!
These things are learnt traits. They can be unlearned. You can get rid of them. And you should. They’re hurting your chances, hurting your marital prospects.

What more can I say?

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder |

You can’t have a relationship without agreeability. Two can’t walk together except they agree. Click To Tweet If you want a relationship you have to be willing to forbear and accommodate viewpoints, even if you don’t agree with those viewpoints. Click To Tweet
Tags : Relationship, Character, prospects

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