Tag Archives: Choosing

My dear Jil, the desires of our life naturally present their own logic. This is more so in relationships. But we don’t always factor in the logic of our desire. Continue reading →

My dear Jack, our matrimonial desires are sometimes regulated by our circumstances. As a young bachelor for example two of your most pressing issues will be loneliness and the need for proprietorship. By proprietorship I mean the desire to have someone you can call your own. Your loneliness will make you vulnerable to anyone who’s available. You’re thus prone to any woman who makes herself available in time and attention. You have to be careful about being fated by your situation, allowing your future to be determined by temporary conditions. Your matrimonial decision can’t just be based on ameliorating your physical loneliness. You have to consider other factors. Continue reading →

Dear Jack, to be honest with you, I find the whole thing a bit troubling. And on many levels. I’m not saying you shouldn’t take advice on marital issues. You should, discriminatorily. But you have to take responsibility for your life. You’re already thirty.

You have this woman you’ve been dating. You clearly love her and she loves you too. You’re hoping to marry soon. Suddenly, out of the woodwork come all these accusations about her. There are sudden proclamations of her unfitness as a bride by certain members of your family. The logical response to a levelled accusation is requirement of proof – facts that can be corroborated. So far none has been offered. All you have are anecdotal proclamations – opinions essentially. Opinions can be dangerous. Opinions don’t require proof. Everyone is entitled to one even if it amounts to a lie.

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My dear Jil, I will be failing in my duty as your mentor if I do not present an accurate and complete picture of life to you. The very nature of life can get lost in the crack of discussions about love and marriage. Such discussions naturally evoke imageries of romanticism, beauty, love and harmony. And yet all those are contextualised within a frame called life.

Here’s the thing about life: Life is tough! Man is born unto trouble. Only the strong survive. You must be strong. You must survive. You cannot afford to be weak. You cannot afford to give up. You cannot afford to turn back.

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My dear Jack, you’re obviously not who she wants. She’s holding out for someone. But like they say, a bird in hand is worth two in the bush, so she maintains relationship with you but won’t promise marriage. She can’t make such commitment because you’re not what she wants. You’ve been dating for a year now and she won’t talk marriage – not even preliminary bits. And she’s told you she’s not promising marriage. Maybe you both need to sit down and define what exactly this relationship is.

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My dear Jil, he’s a chipmunk! That’s what he is! You know about chipmunks? They have an interesting quality. They have three-day memories. They can’t remember much beyond three days. So when they store food and don’t retrieve it before three days, they begin to scurry about searching for where they kept the food, desperately.

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My dear Jil, you won’t understand and can’t understand: fathers are particularly protective of their daughters. That’s the problem you have with your father. It’s why he’s giving you all those troubles over marriage.

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My dear Jil, we underestimate the importance of happiness in marriage. You shouldn’t go into a marriage in which you’re not going to be happy. It’s horrendous. You will be frustrated beyond measure, unable to communicate what’s really eating you up.
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My dear Jack, someone, I forgot who, sent this to me over the weekend and I thought to share it with you. I really don’t know who the writer is; for all you know it might have been inventive. But this was the way girls were toasted in those days. Your generation obviously doesn’t know how to toast babes. Continue reading →

My dear Jil, I’ll try and explain it to you, this friendship stuff. But we’ll need to do some visualisation. It’s my way of “seeing” things. Imagine a long span bridge. Rather long. At one end you have “Sex” signage, and then just few meters after, you have “Romance.” Then imagine that at the very other end you have “Obligations,” and further after, you have “Disagreement.” And so at one extreme, you have “Sex” and “Romance,” and at the other end you have “Obligations” and “Disagreement.” Continue reading →