Dear Jack,
Today I’ll like to talk to you about the destructive power of negativism in a relationship.
The negative is so powerful it takes a toll on the human spirit. It fatigues the soul and prevents matrimonial cohesion. It is highly critical of others. Negativism is so depressive, writing about it is actually troubling. It goes to a secret disturbing place in the mind. A negative person complains always. He never sees good in anything, even letters of the alphabet. He’s jaundiced. Many times such a person is coming from a place of disappointment and anger; an unresolved past. If a man is constantly critical of his woman – her efforts, her looks, her person – he’s going to kill something in her.
The negative is devastating on men as well. It kills personal peace and destroys manhood. It’s why nagging is so terrible! If a man puts in his best yet gets constant criticism, such criticism being habitual, it depresses the human spirit. Negativism envenomates a relationship. It’s venom of the soul. It short-circuits communication and changes the language of communication into a morse code of terseness.
One negative person in a group will modify the vocabulary of cooperation in that group. Just think of a moody, negative or difficult individual – consider the effect on your group dynamics. It’s confusing, disorienting, disconcerting and energy wasteful. He or she diverts the use of energy and sucks out strength. So powerful is the negative that it requires the combined energy of so many positives to overcome it. It’s the equivalence of so many bodies piling to suppress a demoniac or cacodemonic.
People thrive on negativism because it gives abhorrent power. They draw power from it. It’s a generator. But it also destroys. It goes to the very root of a relationship, shrivels it, removing the fluid of kindness. It fills a home with torment because fear has torment, and negativism breeds fear.
If you grasp the potency of negativism you’ll realise it’s like poison – doesn’t require a large dose. If the negative can be so poisonous when shared among many, imagine the level of toxicity where just two people are involved. The desire to hurt someone in a relationship – to use words that wound and lacerate – words as knife: slashing, thrusting, plunging, twisting, with dark intent. These don’t augur well for a wholesome relationship! Maliciously aiming words with intent to do grievous soulish harm, his is not healthy. Holding a relationship hostage to moodiness, everyone side-stepping gingerly, afraid of offending, not good either. And when couples get used to using words as javelin they soon seek to out-spear each other with each successive fight. Such an exercise can escalate into profanation of the sacred.
Fathers and mothers must be honoured the Holy Bible says. It’s the first commandment with promise. But they’re soon dragged into the arena of a feuding couple’s altercation. They’re the next frontier. They’re disrobed of honour as the couple seeks to inflict greater pain on each other by proxy.
A relationship is meant to be supportive not destructive. There’s power in the positivism of harmony. The integral calculus of the power of two is aptly expressed in this saying: One shall chase a thousand, two will chase ten thousand. The power of amplification of the oneness of two is brobdingnagian – humongous! That cohesion is impossible in a negatively charged environment full of negative atmosphere. A relationship must be filled with positive energy if the parties want to harvest amped ratios of happiness.
Now, it is not as if partners can’t correct each other. It’s just that the SPIRIT of correction matters. The tone of correction matters too. The choice of words matter, the motivation matters. “Can’t you see that this is senseless?! Ehn?” can better be expressed as: “Sweetheart, I think you should look at it from another angle.” “I’ve been telling you I need the stuff!” is better expressed as “Honey, don’t forget about that stuff we spoke about!” And “Can’t you help me?! Is that what your mates do?” can be captured and better expressed with a coy look and “Darling!” It all depends on what you want in your relationship – love and happiness, or destructive negativism.
If you habituate yourself with the use of terrible words in a relationship know that you’re setting a tone for your marriage. Insults become cudgels. Irony becomes pincers. Cynicism becomes chainsaw. Retaliatory use of words pushes the envelope of civilised discourteousness with each successive altercation. And it soon spills out as both parties seek to recruit supporters to help augment their cause and viewpoints. Secrets become beer parlor fodder. There you have another level of escalation. The sad thing is that the parties are transforming into vindictive individuals without knowing it. Make a resolution not to seek to destroy people with your words, to use words to build.
Negativism is a dangerous practice. It stops the flow of blessings. I heard of a couple who never have anything good to say about others, including those benevolent to them. They constitute an industrial strength reputation shredding unit – totally powered by envy and bile. And they wonder why the flow of kindness stopped! They wonder why doors are shut, why no one picks their calls! Saying negative things in caucus about people is an acculturation of organic evil in petri dishes of slander. Google got it right: Don’t be evil! Surely, a canibalistic consumption of entrails must necessarily entail the raw consumption of unsavories and unsanitaries. What an appetite!
If you and Jil can resolve not to get into negativism in your relationship… If you can resolve never to slander others… If you can commit to positive reinforcement of each other… Why, you have a wonderful marriage ahead of you!
Your mentor, LA
©Leke Alder 2013