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Read Letter


My dear Jil,

Loneliness is a fact of life.

You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. You can even be the life of the party and feel terribly lonely.

The reason is because loneliness is a soulish phenomenon, it’s not physical. And there is no “cure” for loneliness. It’s not a disease. It’s a conceptual aftermath of Adam’s creation – a byproduct. As a feature, it makes us want to mate and marry, and create family, relationship and community. And if the animals couldn’t cure Adam’s loneliness, your Chihuahua can’t cure yours either. Neither can your cat!

The Genesis principle is that a soulmate of the opposite sex is the ameliorator of loneliness. It’s why you crave a boyfriend for your loneliness. It’s also why a man wants a woman.

Loneliness is sitting alone on Friday night wanting and needful of a man to go out with over the weekend.

Loneliness is going to the movie by yourself; it is seeing another girl come in with her boyfriend and saying to yourself, if only.

Loneliness is the emptiness of your flat on Saturday morning. It’s you in your pyjamas foraging the fridge for comfort.

Loneliness is endless hours of DVDs over the weekend – Friday night till Sunday; alone, no bath!

Loneliness is calling Mary and she’s busy; Tunde…Frank…John… It is everyone occupied and busy when you need them most.

Loneliness is crying in the dark and wetting your pillow. It is you alone when the make-up is removed.

Loneliness is hoping for one to snuggle with – strong arms around you. You want a snuggle, and sometimes sex.

Loneliness is forcing yourself to go out with who you’d rather not – a debasing of self, a swallowing of shamefacedness.

Loneliness is the space filler who’s always available. The one you cringe to be seen with at the mall, the one you’re “using”.

Loneliness is hating yourself after you’ve had sex with who you shouldn’t have; it is self loathing after the fact.

Loneliness is clinging desperately to that relationship, afraid of letting go. What will become of you?! You’ll be alone!

Loneliness is self-denial through religious declaration of invincibility. It’s a “confession” braggadocio in front of the crowd.

Loneliness is a feeling of helplessness about things you cannot manufacture. Who can conjure a boyfriend or manufacture a man?

Loneliness is another glass of wine; another shot of whiskey, another stick of cigarette; it’s another sex toy; and yet another loser.

Loneliness is the phone that won’t ring, the text that wouldn’t come; it is the man you want who can’t see the obvious.

Loneliness is feeling so sad you don’t feel like going to Church. It’s hoping year after year for a husband.

Loneliness is binging on comfort food despite your ample weight. It is affirmation of uncare through consumption.

Loneliness is subjecting yourself to ecclesiastical predators; it is attending yet another “miracle” service to get a husband.

Loneliness is recourse to black magic in quest of a hubby; an exposure to infernal forces of darkness – malevolent spirit agents.

Loneliness is jealousy of your colleague who talks incessantly about her boyfriend; it’s wishing she can be “sensitive”.

Loneliness is another round of weekend parties; the exchange of phone number with the promising stranger who won’t call.

Loneliness is picking up the phone in desperation and calling an old boyfriend, telling him he “just crossed” your mind.

Loneliness is feeling alone despite all your achievements; it’s feeling incomplete despite your executive status.

Loneliness is your aunty urging you to get pregnant for a “correct” married man. “At least you’ll have a child!” she persuades.

Loneliness is your friends urging you to marry the gigolo – the one you’ll feed and clothe – just to have “Mrs.” as prefix.

Loneliness is dreading going to see your mum over the weekend. It’s trying to avoid the inevitable question of a grandchild.

Loneliness is being the chief bridesmaid for the umpteenth time. It is wishing the best man will make a move.

Loneliness is your friends fixing you up with yet another heavy baggage, the one from the UK who’s not ok.

Loneliness is a proposition by a polygamist who doesn’t think he is because his wife is white and you’re black.

Loneliness is an advance from yet another green card holder stuck in a contract marriage who wants to “move on”.

Loneliness is an obvious desperation for marriage it scares men off. All your friends are married with children you say!

Loneliness is yet another disappointment about a relationship that didn’t end in marriage; a numb heartache.

Loneliness is another bout of depression, another volatile mood swing, another nastiness to those who care for you.

Loneliness is being afraid to go home after work, afraid of hearing your own echo in the emptiness of your flat.

Loneliness is the sense of futility and frustration and anger. It is confrontation with helplessness and impotence.

Loneliness is our secret fears, our insecurities, our hidden longings in the left ventricles of our hearts.

Loneliness is not just the absence of a man in your life. It is the absence of a suitable man – the one you can be yourself with. The one you know will make you happy. The one you know you can give your life to, the one you see your future in. The one you respect and feel secure with; can talk to. The one to look up to, who cares. Your man!

All I ask is, before he comes, don’t do anything rash, or stupid, or foolish – something you’ll regret, maybe forever.

In the meantime, live your life! Enjoy it, it’s yours! Enjoy your singlehood! Keep yourself occupied and busy. Don’t define your life by what you don’t have. Define your life by who you are. Find yourself. Create your joy. Go after purpose. Pray!

I’m here if you want to ventilate.

I remain your confidante, and mentor, LA.


©Leke Alder 2013


Tags : Loneliness, Purposeful living

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