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Read Letter


Dear Jil,

I’m going to share some vital information with you this morning. I want to give you a man’s perspective on certain issues. You need that perspective to understand how a man feels in certain circumstances. Now, what you do with that information is up to you but I’ll empower you with the knowledge.

You have a good man in your life. Don’t discuss him in concert with your friends. Men want relationship privacy. Keep his confidences. Don’t turn his intimations into tabloid fodder. Don’t spread his entrails on the slab of objurgation. Don’t allow others to vulture on him. Discussing the prurient details of a man’s life with friends is a Sex & the City ritual. Your relationship is not entertainment. If you table your man’s life on the altar of gossip and slander, you are sacrificing him as oblation to friendship. Your friends will disrespect him and discuss him behind your back. You gave them license!

Incidentally, they’re also making fun of you. You just don’t realise it. You’re dating him afterall! If you take time to study female group dynamics, you’ll observe an interesting phenomenon – the Withholder. There’s usually a woman not forthcoming with information about her man while others trade theirs. She’ll laugh at the jokes but she’ll be coy about her man. She’s actually a smart one! Your mother will tell you that.

If you have a problem with your man, discuss it with him in private. Choose a good moment. Don’t nag. What usually turns men off is the manner of approach, as well as anger at anger. That exacerbates issues. If you’re accusatory, discourteous, cynical or disrespectful he’ll get angry. If you get angry at that, things will go bad. If your tone is rude, dismissive, commanding or instructive he’ll tune off. Tone matters A LOT to men! A good man loves sacrificially. He’ll seek to please you and make you happy. His joy is that you’re one with him. But if he sees that your loyalty is to your friends rather than your relationship, he’ll be exasperated but hold his tongue.

There’s a residual painful “pain” men have in such circumstances. (Yes, there’s painful pain! English has limitations). He can’t discuss his exasperation with you because he won’t get through. He can’t reach you! You’ve moved to another channel! That gives him a shaking of the head regret. Only a man knows what that means but let me try and define it: Shaking of the head regret is a deep pain a man is forced by circumstances to endure when he can’t get to his woman. It’s not that he doesn’t want you to have friends; it’s just that he’s wary of bad company and dangerous philosophy.

A man is always afraid to expose his relationship to wrong influencers. He never likes third parties controlling his woman and indirectly determining his relationship. I’m sure you know instances of women urging others to demolish their relationship while they keep theirs. These are civil demolition contractors. And men worry about them. They are a constant source of exasperation. When you probe, you will discover that these women have far worse situations than those they instigate to break up. They’ll tell you they can’t tolerate what they actually tolerate away from view; and urge you not to take nonsense! I quite agree with them! Don’t take nonsense from them! Then there are those on the verge of breakup who urge others to break up their relationship. Misery loves company. With wisdom you’ll see that these women are actually envious of what you have. Don’t be a fool.

And if it appears greener on Labake’s side, chances are she laid out astroturf for you to view. Things are not always what they seem.

Never compare your man with others, especially those that don’t exist. Every man has a unique programme. Every programme has a sequence. Every sequence has its timing. Value what you have. A good relationship is invaluable. A good man has valuation. Protect his evaluation. Build his image. It’s an eloquent, compelling and disturbing testimonial when a woman tears her man down.

Don’t forget the words of Solomon: A wise woman builds her house but a foolish one tears it down with her own hands.

Your mentor, LA!


©Leke Alder 2013

Tags : Privacy

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