My dear Jil,
You’ve got to find a way to scale your past.
The problem is, you’ve solidified your position based on a philosophy you created from it. In order to protect yourself you’ve built a hard core. And you became what you were not designed to be. It takes a lot of energy to maintain the solidity of that core. It’s like walking about holding your stomach in. You can’t maintain it. You have to let go in order to take in oxygen. And so you find yourself holding in and letting go, holding in, letting go. It’s why your emotions are unpredictable: sunny side up one minute, foul weather the next.
You’re angry at your impotence to retroactively deal with your past, or edit it. You dare ANY man, any man, to come and try “that nonsense†with you now! There’s resentful angriness and it sends out hostile vibes. When a temperament is feline, it has the characteristics of the mood of a cat. No one knows how a cat will react to anything. Because you’re emotionally unpredictable people will walk on tip toe around you.
Because men hate rejection they’ll keep their compliments to themselves. They don’t want emotional discount. Yet you need those compliments. You need love. You need affection. We all do! Unfortunately, your life perspective has its own righteousness.
In your eyes you’re right to protect yourself. You’re right to guard your insides. But the consequences are dire. You’re lonely. That loneliness produces moods. And the moods produce a dualism. There’s the very nice you, very helpful, very caring. Then there’s the dark side.
Everyone has a foreboding of this dark side because it gives no warning. It is volatile. Even though you’re physically attractive you’re emotionally unattractive with those moods. And so you draw men in with your looks and features, but you weary them out with your emotions. No man can emotionally sustain a relationship that is constantly under tension. Men don’t have that capacity. Even you don’t have the energy to keep it going. It’s why you break down. And inevitably the breakup comes. And then you go into depression. Pain reinforces pain. Anger results. You’ve unwittingly set a mouse trap for the next boyfriend! He will pay the price for the sins of previous lovers.
If you want to be loved you must learn to trust. A loving relationship is built with the mortar of trust. You can’t expect others to trust you but deny that priviledge to others. You want full assurance filled in triplicate as application for a relationship with you. How does that work? Why does a man need to PROVE that he’s trustworthy to you when he’s done nothing to deserve distrust? You can’t generalise men from a bad experience. Just like men shouldn’t generalise women from that perspective. There’s nothing like, “Don’t mind men!” or, “That is the way men are!” Or like some men say, “Women!”
That mindset destroys relationships in advance.
Without trust you won’t be able to give yourself in a relationship. And a good man will be afraid of committing. He’ll be afraid of what lies ahead. He’ll draw near but can’t commit. He’ll be apprehensive. A “relationship” in a state of suspended animation results. Texts will become the chief mode of communication. And the texts will be guarded. No one wants to appear needful. You have an emotional stalemate that can go on for years! You have the shadow of a relationship! It’s a frustrated state. No forward movement.
Because your emotional needs are not being met you’ll have lashing eruptions. It’s not as if you don’t have opportunities for marriage. It’s just that you make it impossible. The man wants you but is angry that you’re so! He sees your fantastic qualities but the dark side overwhelms them. He’s torn between longing and commonsense.
You have to break the cycle of pain and anger and resentment and distrust and frustration and willfulness. You have to break the stranglehold of the past on your future. You have to! Leave behind those things which are behind. Struggle for what is ahead. That’s Paul’s advice. Will you pay heed?
Your loving mentor LA.
©Leke Alder 2013