Dear Jack,
I’ll advise that you don’t tilt against the windmill. There are things you can’t alter. You have to find accommodation with them. The things that make a woman, a woman you can’t change!
For example, women argue from deductions – “Are you saying…?!” You can’t change that! And they argue from the last premise, never the original issue. You can’t change that either.
Women don’t make direct requests. If your girlfriend wants to use your car she’d never ask, “Can I use your car?” She’ll probably say, “What are you doing this evening?” You’re supposed to divine she wants to use the car.
If she “retouches” her hair, you’d better notice. She’s imagined your reaction as she enters the house from the salon. And you have to comment on how nice it is even if you can’t see the difference! If you don’t like the hair, I strongly advise you keep it to yourself – for that moment at least. You’ll deflate her! A day or two later you may say something like, “You know, I like the way a bob sits on you. You look like Grace Kelly!” Of course she’s going to say, “You mean you don’t like my hair?!” You better reply that it’s not so! It’s just that you think a Grace Kelly makes her look even prettier!
You see, 80% of your happiness will come from a good relationship with her. (Some will say 80% of your sadness too) You better get it right! You’ll find there are less contentious issues once you eliminate expectations that are contrary to her species. You can’t stop her from being a woman! To ask her to be otherwise is akin to asking a man to ditch football! Who knows why men love contact sport! Not even the men can explain! Evolutionists will of course have an explanation: Your cavemen ancestors probably fought viciously to have sex with the most beautiful girl in the community. It was a fight for “good genes”. As if cave men cared about genes! (These guys come up with all sorts of fable as science!)
I’m just saying some things are just the way they are. As such, fighting her over certain issues is futile! She CAN’T see your point! It’s a man’s perspective! If you don’t recognise this, you’ll become aggravated. And the longer it takes her to say sorry, the angrier you’ll become. And then she gets angry that you’re angry! At some point she’ll become exasperated, and this may lead to emotional tourette’s syndrome! Then it’s two days (or more) of non-talking by both parties. An emotional cooking competition emerges: she stewing with anger, you boiling with anger! When a woman is angry, she starts having an imaginary conversation with you, or a third party in her head. She’ll explain emphatically why you’re wrong, making her case; she’ll justify her position in argument format, which is amazing considering she’s not ordinarily rational in approach to issues! It’s because you didn’t give her a chance to say all that’s in her mind. And you can’t see her point of view.
If she tries to reach out to you and you ignore her text or call, she’ll feel rejected. Then she starts talking to herself! She then moves on to an interesting stage: the “the trouble is too much!” stage. It’s an emotional tiredness stage. If both of you are a stubborn lot, your positions will harden, nobody conceding. Now the issue is no longer about the original quarrel, it’s now a contest of wills. And that can become a persistent stumbling block in the relationship, unless someone opts for emotional maturity. If either of you can keep malice going for months, I fear for the marriage.
Boyfriends and girlfriends fight. All the time. The ability to end a quarrel is a very important test of feasibility. Pride destroys beautiful things. The irony of life is that sometimes two wonderful people can’t have a wonderful relationship! The critical question is, do you want to win a fight or do you want a relationship? Which is more important to you? Is it more important to you to be right than to have her?
Call her. Tell her why you’re unhappy with her. Demonstrate your understanding of “womanhood”. She’s been hoping for your call! And she’s not happy. She’s missing you (including your quarrels!) You must create a ritual for coming back together when you quarrel. That ritual is important.
Your mentor, LA
©Leke Alder 2013