Dear Jack,
So you’re beginning to think about marriage. It’s nice to prepare mentally though I must warn you that no matter the preparation it still has its own surprises. But you’ll at least be better off than the man who finds himself married. And those surprises are not necessarily negative.Marriage comes preloaded with responsibility for a man. You’re going to be responsible for a full grown adult. A man must not only be able to meet his own needs, he must be able to meet the needs of his marriage. And you want your wife to respect you, not just love you. Respectability has dimensions. You want your wife to respect your sense of responsibility, your wisdom, your maturity. You want her to admire your approach to issues, your strivings and aspirations, your worthiness in the society of men. Marriage is not for boys. It is for men.
A man auto-assumes certain responsibilities in marriage, like rent and feeding. If you don’t pay the rent or put down “house keeping” money, how are you going to gain respect? And when the kids come I expect you’ll pick up the tab for school fees and children’s upkeep too! When you don’t take up these basic responsibilities, the woman is forced to step up to the plate and she becomes boss lady.
Am I saying a woman shouldn’t contribute in a marriage, shouldn’t chip in? Of course not! A wise woman would! But we must not confuse contribution with responsibility. You have fundamental responsibility for certain headers. When you work hard to meet those obligations, your woman will respect you and your sense of responsibility. Responsibility defineth the man. It may not be easy at first. It isn’t always easy. It’s why you need to work hard. You start somewhere and demonstrate where you’re going. Be focused, you have someone to impress. Forget all that “We’ll sleep on the floor together” stuff. The average woman wants her comfort! When she says she’ll sleep on the mat with you she means in the interim. She isn’t talking permanent fixture.
You’ll need to work hard. A young man must be hardworking. A lazy young man rolls on his bed like a door hinge. He sleeps while his mates are on their way to work. Yet he thinks he’s the smart one! His famous quote is a cliche: “Work smart, not hard!” Really?! Then God doesn’t know what he’s talking about! He says “Hard work brings success. Be lazy and never succeed.” Then he says if the blade is blunt, sharpen it. It means sharpen your intellect. In other words, work hard AND work smart! Note however that after some time you’re not going to get an award because you paid rent (or put down “chop money”). You’ll need to layer something on top if you want extra love. Being real!
An old man once told me something intriguing. He said he always gave his wife pocket money! Not just housekeeping allowance, pocket money. This despite the fact that she earned her own salary. I guess such a gesture is a way of celebrating your spouse. It’s the equivalence of buying her a gift every month. I think it’s a good practice, worthy of emulation. In the corporate world we call such “best practice”. That means borrow all the good practices from others. You should aspire to what the old man said. With this extra, your wife can indulge in buying those things that aestheticize her and make her a visual delight… Bags, shoes, make-up…whatever se likes! If you adopt this practice you’ll become an exceptional man. Start small and grow it. And I pray you marry a woman who appreciates such gestures. It’s not easy being a man you know!
When times are tough (and tough times will come) your wife will remember that you are a generous man. That if you don’t give it’s because you CAN’T! And then she prays for you that things will become better and normalise. Because you’re a generous man!
But you’ll discover as time goes by that being a man is not enough. You want to be THE man! You want your wife to confidently say in the company of women, “Don’t worry, my husband will take care of it!” You want her to have the assurance that no matter what she faces out there, when she gets home she can pour it out to you. Your wife must be able to look up to you emotionally. That is important.
And now to an elusive feature on the wife choosing list. If I take a poll of young men, say in a university, and I ask about what they consider important in marriage, I doubt if many will mention peace! Young men don’t think in such terms. It’s a very rare young man who’ll mention it. Yet you NEED peace in marriage. It’s not that apparent when you’re young. You CAN’T have a HOME without peace. You can have an apartment, or a house but not a home! As you strive to become a respected man, you’ll understand the value of peace. Add peace to your list. Many a man working undue and unpaid overtime at work are just avoiding going home! There’s no peace at home! She may be beautiful, sassy and look like Softsheen advert but if she won’t give you peace, you’ll pay a dear price. What’s the use of all your strivings and achievements if you don’t have peace at home? I’ll be doing you a disservice if I tell you to strive to become the man and I don’t tell you about the need for peace. A lack of peace will affect your health and bend your life into unrecognisable shapes of needfulness. It’s cheaper to marry peace than to loan peace through constant travels away from home. You ought to want to go home at the end of each blessed day to see your wife! In essence, be responsible, and strive for a wholesome and loving relationship. It’s worth striving for.
I wish you the best in your search for matrimonial wisdom.
Your mentor, LA.
©Leke Alder 2013