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Read Letter

Toasting A Woman

Dear Jack,

I heard a story over the weekend and I thought to share it with you. It’s along the lines of our discussion. I think it takes us to the root of those issues we spoke about.

A young female executive went out for lunch with a younger male friend at a fast food restaurant. The lunch went very well. They caught up on old times. They hadn’t seen for some time, both being pre-occupied with work. Seated nearby were two gentlemen, also having lunch. Apparently one took a fancy to our lady and decided to make a move. In total, if not contemptuous disregard of her male company, the gentleman proceeded to introduce himself. He’s been watching her from over there he said, and he’ll like to get to know her better. You know of course that such lines often betray a bet by two gentlemen. Our lady politely turned down the gentleman’s solicitation, partly in deference to her friend. Since their lunch was over, she and her friend got up and proceeded to leave. The gentleman followed her to her car and offered his card. (He was still in disregard of her male accompaniment). It was at this point that the lady chose to be less subtle. She laid it out to him that he was condemningly disrespectful of the fact that she had company. That she actually regarded his approach as distasteful.

In her retelling of the story, this gentleman actually came off much worse. Something along the lines of crudity and aboriginal unrefinement. And how physically repulsive she found him. Yet in our gentleman’s self-estimation he’s the best thing that’s happened since the creation of Agege bread!

As I thought over this story, I realised some young men have been watching too much TV. You know you can get into a movie so much you begin to take on the character of the lead. If you see a gentleman approach a bar and order Coke “shaken not stirred”, you know he’s been watching too much 007. If a guy breaks up with his girlfriend and says “I’ll be back!” he’s been watching too much Arnold Schwarzenegger. Taking on the lead role outside a movie can create a delusional disorder. Clearly our gentleman fancies himself with animal magnetism. In his thinking he’s so “suave” the ladies can’t resist! I mean he’s Bond, James Bond! Bond fantasy is okay as long as the lady is Miss Moneypenny or Tatiana Romanova. But if her name is Ngozi!…

I think some people fail to realise that all these characters are a figment of the imagination of a writer. Check out the names of Bond girls. Some are so terrible and politically incorrect now! Bond has to be Bond to be interesting. No real spy behaves like Bond. We know Bond can never die! The series will end!

You can’t approach a lady imagining yourself as Bond! You’re not, even if your father named you Emeka Bonduchukwu! Young men live in a fantasy world of what they imagine women respond to, and that includes sexual fantasy!

Unless the woman is of a cheap assortment and variety, or has a psychological issue, impolitely approaching a lady will not land you a date. It will land you an African hiss, or better yet, a slap! By slap I mean proper slap, the type that leaves an indelible manicured mark on the face and clears the eyes!

Approaching a lady like a G when you don’t even have a K in your bank account is also based on fantasy. The idea that a man can be so hypnotic ladies literally swoon and faint… now that’s something. If you set eyes on a lady and she falls into a trance and straightway follows you to bed, you should be worried! And if you think older ladies are so desperate for sex you’ll be doing them a favour with crude directness… *SMH*

I know young men like to boast about “conquests”, especially when they gather in senate. They tell tall tales in such moments but the truth is, the more incredible the story, the more improbable it is! The guy who talks the most in such gatherings is just talking! He’s a fantasist layering on fantabulism!

Ever wondered why ladies are drawn to the simple guy who’s socialised but is not a player? Check it out and you’ll find that he’s self assured, considerate, respectful, caring and kind. He’s non threatening, makes no untoward move. Ladies feel safe and comfortable around him. He exudes trust. He listens, and his mind is not one tracked! He notices little, little things like change of hair style. Pays compliment! Such a guy will hardly need to make a move. The move will make itself!

Kindness will get you farther than a James Bond gambit. Kindness makes a man attractive, Solomon said. If you’ve been practicing “moves”, you’ve probably been reading too many of those pamphlets from Tinubu market. You know, those pamphlets that tell you your first line and then tell you what the lady will say in response? You don’t know?! (Stop pretending!) An entire conversation construct is laid out as if the lady is pre-recorded! You say, “Hey chic, can I speak, can I spoke! You’re the scintillating aroma in my medulla oblongata”. The lady will respond, “Men are a dozen a dime but a real gentleman is hard to procure. What is your mission this brighter day?!” Don’t you laugh! Your approach is just a more sophisticated version!

I’m just saying approaching a lady on the basis of a supposed aura or animalistic virtue hardly yields results. Now, it’s possible that a date will come that way, and dates have sometimes come that way – but they’re exceptional!

I think Solomon’s advice is a better approach: Be kind and considerate. If you really think about it, it’s the rich man’s strategy! Kindness! He kills the lady with kindness – gifts, dinner, travel… Be kind at your level. You want the lady to say, “…but he’s very nice, I like him!” (Whatever comes before “but” is your weakness!) Kind reception, kind compliments, kind gifts, kind consideration, kind respect, kind honesty, kind disposition… Take Solomon’s advice I tell you. He knows what he’s talking about!

Your mentor, LA


©Leke Alder 2013


Tags : Kindness, Toasting

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