My dear Jil,
Thank you for your kind words of appreciation on my last correspondence with you.
In your reply, you asked about what is most important to men in a relationship? Your list of possible contenders was most interesting: sex, appreciation, love, beauty, peace, support, happiness… Well, my answer will most likely shock you, and maybe shock some men at realisation! What is most important to a man in a relationship?
Well, the most important thing to a man in a relationship is SECURITY! I’m sure you’re surprised at my answer. A man wants security first and foremost. And there are two types of security a man wants: emotional security and data security. He wants to let down his guard emotionally. He wants to expose to you the deep things about him – his fears, his heart, raw. He wants to be able to cry in front of you! If he can trust you he’ll let down his guard, but he can only trust you if you’re demonstrably committed and trustworthy.
If you want very high level access to a man’s core you must be all in. The relationship must matter to you, not an option. If you withhold your emotional commitment, your relationship will become a bargaining experience. A man will read your emotional non commitment as you being “smart.”. He’ll react with studied silence and information blackout. He’ll release information to you on a need to know basis.
The other type of security is data security. A man wants to be sure his information is safe with you, that the things he tells you are safe. That you won’t divulge them to third parties, especially members of your family. If in your family you share everything, you can’t apply the same protocol to your relationship with your man. He’s not a member of your family! You can’t say, “That’s what we do in my family!” You’re not dating a member of your family and I’m assuming you won’t marry one.
Men are generally reserved about their affairs. Some women will say “secretive” but that’s just the way men are! When a man feels emotionally and data secure he’ll reveal his deepest secrets to you. It is lack of trust that makes a man hide information from his woman. This apart from the general male secretiveness. It is why a lot of women don’t know much about their husband’s assets, or financial details.
If a man feels you can’t handle information, or you’re not committed enough, or trustworthy, he’ll hide information. If he feels you might one day use the information against him, or take advantage of it he won’t reveal it. Somehow, at the back of a man’s mind is the lesson from Samson. He was careless with information and Delilah finished him off! Men will rather ere on the side of caution.
You must win the trust of your man. And you must keep the trust. It’s a solemn responsibility. His data is his life. If you want him to be emotionally naked with you, he must feel emotionally safe with you. He must know you’re committed. Men are deeply emotional. They just don’t wear it on their sleeve.
Because data security matters deeply to men, if you divulge a man’s “secret” he’ll count it as betrayal. Nothing wounds a man deeper than breach of trust! If you betray him, he’ll never disclose his secrets to you again. And that may be the beginning of the end. You’ll need to win back that trust. If you breach it a second time, the relationship can never be the same again. (Please note that to a man, anything he shares with you personally and exclusively is a secret).
If a man can trust you absolutely however, you hold his life in your hands! Trust is the key to a man’s heart not food!
Have a wonderful weekend. Talk again next week!
Your mentor, LA
©Leke Alder 2013