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Read Letter

You Lost Her!

Dear Jack,

I did warn you not to take your fiancé for granted. Now you’ve joined the League of Esau. Esau didn’t value what he had until he lost it. Then he began to weep for it. When you have something beautiful in your life, cherish it and be contented.

The nature of nature is proliferation of variegatedness from an armamentarium of quantum variabilities. Translated, beauty is so prolific that a man who is not contented will forever be stretching out his neck in wantonness. And I hope you learn from this and that given another opportunity you will cherish what God gives you.

The single most important factor in a relationship is TRUST! Trust means a lot to a woman. Hopeful trustworthiness is the basis of her decision to commit to emotional and material investments. Women don’t just partner in a relationship, they invest significantly. They’re emotional investors. The first investment a woman makes in a relationship is the “self”. There’s a quantity called “self”. When a woman talks about “sacrifice” in a relationship, she’s referring to this “self”. I need you to understand this. It’s why love seems suicidal in certain circumstances. In colloquial terms we call it “I go die!”

The second thing a woman invests in a relationship is significant quantum of emotions. Emotions are assets.

The third thing a woman invests in a relationship is hope. That sounds like a paradox but… Hope is a substance. Paul spoke about the substance of things hoped for. It’s an ingredient of faith. It’s why a woman’s decision on life partner sometimes seems baffling. She’s seeing something we can’t readily see! These three – self, emotions and hope – constitute the basis of the tangible investments we see – time, effort, finance, etc.

When a woman suffers a breakup, the losses are hardly the material things she brought into the relationship. Why breakups are so hard for women is because they made irrecoverable equitable investments – sunk capital!

How do you recover hope or self? It’s one more reason a woman should opt out of an abusive relationship, fast! Hoping against hope in such circumstances is bad investment analysis. The indices point in only one direction! A woman invests based on hopeful trust. Who puts money in a bank they can’t trust? And so when a woman goes into a relationship, there’s a fundamental assumption of trustworthiness. And please I’m talking about wholesome relationship, not predatory or exploitative relationship. If you’ve had a Lotharios’ past, she takes it you’re now serious and want to commit. She forgives the past. There’s that hope a woman has that she will find the man she can love and trust. The flame of that hope hardly dies. Even after disappointments she’s still hopeful. Even when she’s wary she’s weighing the balance of hopefulness.

You know a woman loves you when she’s well invested beyond materiality in the relationship. For some women it takes some time to get there. There’s no excitement. It’s a step by step process. They’re weighing things. If she puts all her eggs in your basket, investing her all – self, emotions and hope, you can’t disappoint her. She invested because she considered you worthy of her love and life! Relationships are deep things for women! If you want to win her back you’ve got a lot of work to do. Pray she just tuned off not turned off! It’s more painful for her if she had a better option but chose you because of something she saw in you that nobody saw. That is a venture capital scenario. Means she believed you’ll love her better and become someone great. It’s a missionary love. All she asks for in return is fidelity, and quiet but deep appreciation when things play out.

Then she has her justification and vindication for invested hope. If you’re poor for example, and she turns down a rich man’s offer to marry her, she suffers double jeopardy if you’re unfaithful. If you want to win her back you must be really persistent, and over a period of time. It’s proof of your repentance. She has to get over the pain and the hurt. She has to heal. If you show remorse and genuineness maybe she’ll reconsider.

But you have to tell her what she means to you. Apologise for taking her for granted. List the things that make her special and state that you don’t want to lose those gifts. That you don’t want life regrets. Make promises, send notes, send her friends. They’re key because they’re the comforters. God help you if one of them dislikes you! You better make peace with that individual. She just wants to see you grovel a bit. And pray that in the interim no serious guy shows up who proceeds to show her how special she is! Beg and beg and beg all you can! Send gifts, flowers. She’s worth it if she’s what you described to me. And if I were you I’ll cut off all those sexting channels. If she ever finds out you’re still maintaining contact, forget it! And trust me, your sextee (you’re the sexter) will make sure she finds out! It’s her one-upwomanship!

Maintaining a good relationship takes discipline. You’ve got to cultivate discipline as a man. As you grow older you’ll need this discipline even more. Or your life will become a Nollywood movie! If you have a loving woman who cares about you, believes in you and gives you peace, don’t lose her to stupidity. You’ll lose more than you bargained for.

And I’m sorry I can’t go and beg her on your behalf as you suggested. Why? You’re the only one who can give guarantees. I can’t do that on your behalf, can I?!



©Leke Alder 2013



Tags : Trust, Love, Discipline

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