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Read Letter

Dating the Unavailable

My dear Jil,
I received your missive but I really didn’t know what to make of it. I think the issue presents a deeper problem than it seems at first glance. You’re locked in a vice and I hope this mail propels you to seek escape from the cycle of unhappy relationships.

Your strategy for seeking companionship is eminently counterproductive. It’s why you’ve not had a “relationship” for two years even though you’ve been with “plenty of guys”. By relationship of course you mean proprietary and exclusive relationship – not sharing another woman’s man. The failure of your strategy for getting a man has morphed into a belief in enchanting bad luck. It’s why you say you “seem to attract the ones that are already in a relationship”. You speak as if you’re cursed to this course of life, like there’s voodoo devilry at play.
Dating other people’s boyfriends is self-defeatist. In that period in which you’re preoccupied, you’re not available to single guys. And since you lurch from one such relationship to another, you’re essentially foreclosed. Because your objective in such a relationship is permanence you CAN’T see what’s available. Your vision is impaired. Your concentration creates tunnel vision. Now, praying that these guys will drop their girlfriends for you is taking things to another level. I was talking to a lady much older than you just last week and she expressed same sentiments and desire. A little late to marriage, she hopes to reap the boyfriends of ladies not treating their men right. Of course she’s going to be extra nice to them! It’s called strategic niceness. This should give a lot of warning to women out there though I sincerely worry about such scavenging strategy. It’s a desperate strategy that is hinting at low self esteem. That for me is an even bigger concern about you.
I’m surprised though that you say you “end up being the one hurt” when the strategy doesn’t pan out. This may sound hard but I think you lack a moral basis for seeing yourself as a victim. How can you be the victim?! If your plot ever succeeds, there’ll be only one victim – the other woman! You CAN’T claim to be a victim under any circumstance. I advice you get out of the self pity mode. Even if you succeed in snatching such a boyfriend, I don’t know if you can keep him. He’s going to go after side orders, just like he went after you. Win or lose you’re in for heartache. I believe your generation calls the partners in such trysts and assignations “parole”. Get it? You are his “parole”. The guy keeps his bride to be in a cool enclosure whilst sexing a girl on the side. Of course he has no intention of marrying such a girl or any such you! You’re parole! Guys don’t marry paroles. They just sleep with them.
In the unlikely event that a parole replaces the bride there is a coerced gang up of circumstances. But the odds are not good. It’s a very long shot. Bad gambling, as you can testify. And just what do you think will happen if you do secure your prize? An African proverb comes to mind – “The instrument of employ in the lashing of the housewife is reserved for the scheming wannabe wife.” There’s nothing “about you” attracting guys otherwise hooked. Bees just go for honey. Guys go for what is especially generously available. You are available.
Sex for men is opportunistic. And some guys will proposition anything in skirt or wrapper, whether married or not. If you signify you’re available despite knowing he has a steady girlfriend, you’re going into a deal!
Unfortunately for you, you’ve been at cross purposes with your partners in these deals. It’s why you’ve been reeling. On your part you want to snatch the guy, to lure him into a predetermined eventuality. On his part it’s just an extra sinful liaison: sex without expectations – both sides understand the deal is sex. By the time you start telling him to leave his girlfriend, the whole thing begins to become emotionally complicated to him. Your needfulness and demands he can’t abide. The deal was sex without commitment. Why the involution? He ends the relationship abruptly. But not before another sex. It’s one of the reasons you’re pained. You feel dumped, used. He’s not about to leave his girlfriend for you; was never planning to!
You thought you were attractive and that was why he made a move on you. If you are so attractive and a better bundle of value, trust me you won’t need to ask such a guy to leave his girlfriend. Do you know why he enjoyed sexual congress with you? It’s because of what Solomon said about stolen waters. “Stolen waters (pleasures) are sweet because they are forbidden; and bread eaten in secret is pleasant.” Proverbs 9:17. Remove the cloak and dagger, and the relationship becomes tepid. And when he’s openly singular with you, truth comes out. That’s when you realise he’s not so proud of you after all. He’ll even see problems with your dressing. And the cross comparison with his supplanted girlfriend will be brutal. He’ll blame you for losing her. And for what he’ll ask himself. You’re the “what”.
Don’t go for these kinds of relationship. Win or lose you lose. Wait for a guy who’ll value you, who’ll treasure you; who’s not just after the gravitational propulsion of your pants… a guy who’ll bless God for meeting you, and bless your mother for giving birth to you! That’s the kind of relationship to go for.
Your mentor, LA.
©Leke Alder 2013

Tags : Value, Self Esteem, Sex

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