Register here

Register using an email address

Terms & Conditions

Already have an account? Login here

Register using a social network


Login using your email address

Keep me logged in
Forgot your password?

Login using a social network


Read Letter

Pride and Prejudice

Dear Jil,

Let me give you insight into one of the greatest relationship destroyers. It’s named Pride!

Pride being pride it introduces itself with a capital “P”. Pride was the original sin. Long before Adam disobeyed God pride had occasioned Lucifer’s fall. His pride altered his relationship with God. (Pride destroys beautiful relationships). He was cast down from Heaven.

Pride always exerts gravitational pull on status. It’s the nature of the disease to demote. Pride goes before a fall. Pride has the ability to promote with a view to demote. It’s a very dangerous place to be in, in life when no one can correct you, or talk to you. You become a government unto yourself, promulgating your own laws of relationship, treating people anyhow.

You legislate your own righteousness, create your own logic and justification. You’re sovereign! No authority figure can address you- not your father, not your mother, not your pastor, not the elderly, not your boss… Not even God! Why, your future husband stands no chance! No one can correct you!

The irony of life is that those who can’t take instruction are the most prone to dishing out instructions. Invariably they become rude and insolent, their tone disrespectful and dismissive of others.

Why people are prideful in life beats me! Perhaps because of money, status, power… But how can a blessing become a curse? What do we have that we’ve not received?! You can’t destroy your primary relationship or the important relationships in your life because of status or money. If you do you’re not wise. In your old age you’ll be full of regrets.

Don’t know if you’ve ever heard of a man called Marc Rich. He’s dead now. A self described “workaholic, a loner, a money machine,” he was one of history’s most successful commodities traders. He was a fugitive from American law but was controversially pardoned by President Clinton at the end of his tenure.

Marc Rich was money successful but a life failure. He regretted till the very end losing his first wife to his philandering and arrogance. He lost his second marriage as well. He couldn’t attend the funeral of his daughter in 1999, and couldn’t go and bury his father. He was running from the law. He lost all the important relationships in his life. And to what?! But maybe we can pardon Marc Rich. At least he had money. $2.5bn worth.

But how do we explain empty pride? There’s the story of 2 combatants in a Lagos Danfo bus querying each other, “Do you know who I am?!” without a trace of irony! In a relationship a prideful person sees him or herself higher than factuality. It’s called delusion of grandeur.

A woman for example begins to act like she’s doing her boyfriend or husband a favour. Based on nothing! That kind of attitude often comes from a false sense of security- the belief he can’t leave, that she holds the initiative. But if the price of staying is too high the value of leaving grows higher. When a man has two terrible options- Egyptians or Red Sea- he’ll choose the one pointing to freedom, difficulty or not.

I’m sharing these things with you so you avoid the trap of pride. It creeps up on you, then becomes you. How can you recognise pride in a relationship? A prideful woman wants to have her way all the time. (Will deal with the subject of male pride in another letter). She’s very unforgiving of any PERCEIVED slight, such slight including not being allowed to have her way.

She’ll exact revenge for every affront. She’ll consider herself superior to every counsel, will talk to people in instructions. She’ll be intolerant and touchy. She cannot subject herself to authority. She believes she knows it all! You can’t even approach her with the thought of suggestion of correction. She blocks everyone out. She relies entirely on her limited worldview but believes strongly in this narrow band of wisdom. She’s controlling.

Such a person will be emotionally repugnant. All her good qualities will suffer massive devaluation. Men will be wary of becoming emotionally entangled. You can’t correct her, not even for her own sake. She’ll turn insolent. She’s rebellious to authority as a principle of life. This makes marriage near impossible. Marriage is a governmental institution. She’ll never admit wrong, would rather die than admit needs or frailty. Yet the needs are obvious! Can’t even admit she needs a man! It’s the other way round. She can never admit she’s in love either. In a breakup she’ll be pained she’s not the one who took the initiative.

She’ll be sore at the missed opportunity to exact appropriate vengeance. That pain won’t subside. She’s a judge of the conduct of others yet cannot be judged. What she does to others she cannot abide. She’s unforgiving. Can hold grudges for years. She must not be offended. The slightest offence takes days to process. Slights are never forgotten. They’re stored. Will be resurrected at an opportune time as a nagging premise. She’ll rather feed on slight, chew the curd of malice, bloat her stomach with grudge.

So tell me, how can anyone be happy in a relationship with an unforgiving and prideful person?! She soon becomes HARDENED, like a Julius Berger concrete boulder. Unforgiveness is a hardener. Please don’t fall into this trap. Be humble. Pride leads to regret and loneliness.

A rebellious attitude is antithetical to wholesome relationship. Being head strong is not a relationship virtue. Stubborness has a price. A relationship must not be a contest of wills. Where then is harmony, where’s love, where’s oneness? If every issue becomes a contest (including going to the movie) the soul becomes wearied.

If you’re above correction you can’t have a successful relationship. You’ll be oblivious to your faults. Pride creates its own justification, and self-righteousness. But I believe better things of you. I have written just to warn you about hidden traps in life’s forest.

As you go into marriage be on the lookout. Be humble. Pride is a demolition expert. If you don’t humble yourself your beautiful relationship will become a monument to marital failure. I wish you the best in your forthcoming nuptials.

Your mentor, LA.

©Leke Alder 2013


Tags : Pride, Sovereign, Unforgiving

Post Your Comments Here