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Read Letter


Dear Jil,Thank you for your mail. And I appreciate your kind compliments. Yes, my letters are REAL!

Now in your mail you stated that you subscribe to the Biblical injunction of no premarital sex. That is okay even if you’re judged prude or old fashioned. It’s your choice and you should never apologise for your values. In view of your upcoming nuptials however (it’s barely a month away), you do need to know how to fulfill your sexual marital obligation. Sex is a knowledge program. It’s why we call it carnal knowledge. Even the Bible refers to sex as knowledge. Copulation is recorded as a “knowing” in several passages. One of such instances is Genesis 4.1: “Adam knew Eve his wife”. It’s referring to coition. A more modern translation would read “Adam had sex with Eve his wife”. So sex is not “unholy”. God created the biological implements of sex – conceptualised copulation for marriage.

I’ve heard stories of couples who struggle with instinctual consummation of their marriage from such “holy” views. One couple was waiting for “something” to “fall” on them on their nuptial night to signify copulation license. (Who said ignorance is bliss?) And so it boils down to the level of exposure and the level of knowledge. And since sex is intrinsically a knowledge program then that knowledge CAN be acquired.

There are several books on sex for inexperienced couples. I recommend The Joy of Sex by Alex Comfort. It takes an educative approach. It’s actually a classic. Was released in 1972. Original edition sold 8 million copies. It’s been updated I learnt. There are several other books for newly-weds. Go online and check.

Sex is important in a marriage. And not just for procreational reasons. Sex matters a great deal to men. And sex has therapeutic values. You can deploy it as a relaxant. The nature of ejaculation in men is such that the nerves are stimulated to comprehensively destress the anatomy. If your husband is in a high pressure professional calling you may want to look into this dimension. I’m trying to make you see the ministerial dimension of sex, to erase your 2D perspective. It’s important to ensure the sexual aspect of your marriage does not suffer. Puts strain on a marriage. And your husband needs to learn how to please you and make you feel wanted, needed and appreciated. A woman must not feel used after sex. Destroys esteem, creates a sense of loss. There’s a shallowness and hollowness. At some level sex for the woman is not so much the physical but intimate and loving care. Your husband-to-be must learn about the female anatomy and have a mature understanding of sex.

Most young men’s understanding of sex is from the fantasy world of porn. And that’s loveless sex. Loveless and depersonalised sex can’t work for marriage. It defeats the doctrine of oneness. Sex has intimacy dimensions. Without it, it will hold no meaning for the woman in marriage. There are of course the spiritual dimensions of sex but that is not the objective of this letter.

Because your fiancé is particularly looking forward to your first night together it helps if you’re cognate. Expectations may of course overshoot performance but every couple eventually finds their rhythm. Don’t be apprehensive. Practice will invariably make perfect.

Sex is actually more mental than physical. Imagination disconnect can create dryness. And so we see the overlapping mental, physical and emotional spheres of sex. To aid HIS imagination you may want to make some investments in lingerie. Men are very visual. The idea of you in hairnet and bulbous nightie on your honeymoon can’t be the guy’s vision of you I assure you! I will advise HIM to buy you lingerie that fit HIS vision of you. He should reveal such gifts on your honeymoon. If he can afford it, one lingerie for everyday of your honeymoon! It’s a worthy investment.

He should also bring along a mix tape compilation of love songs for your honeymoon. He can create a playlist on his iPod or other musical device. Standard hotels have iPod docks. I should be writing him some of these actually. But it’s ok. I’ll send him a playlist if he requires. I’m sure your friends will have suggestions. Friends like getting involved in such projects! Music sets a good mood for nuptial sex, as does lighting. Your honeymoon is something you want to remember. Your fiancé should ask for the honeymoon package of the hotel. Comes with petals and surprises. Go for honeymoon. If you can’t afford exotic varieties there are pocket economy editions. Please don’t spend your wedding night in the family home. It’s ambient crude and environmentally intrusive. The ideal is of course a tropical paradise, where the air is Edenic, the sea topaz blue and the sand virginal. If he can’t afford such now, take a rain check. When he succeeds he can redeem his pledge. But wherever you spend your honeymoon make it special. Don’t forget to take a camera along. Some busybodies back home will want to see pictures! But beyond these persons you want to frame a remembrance of that week in paradise. Such photographs serve as constant reminders of the love you share. There’s one on my desk!

If you’re going on a contraceptive plan it’s good to research properly what’s good for you. You don’t want to be sick on your honeymoon. Pills make some people sick and nauseous. Pills also require early administration. Talk to your doctor or gynaecologist.

If your destination is a tropical island, even if a local one, buy sunshades, a hat and sunscreen. Of course you want to hold allergy tablets and insect repellant. We don’t want our bride with rashes. Bring back a momento from your honeymoon. Such tokens have high sentimental value. Oh, don’t forget bubble bath. You want to laze, spoil yourselves and come back with erm naughty memories. God knows I’m innocent!

Your one and only loving uncle, LA.


© Leke Alder 2014

Tags : Knowledge, Values, Sex

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