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Read Letter


My dear Jack, we are all looking for different things in women. If you’ve found what you’re looking for, what are you still looking for?

In the search for a woman several things weigh on the mind. There are wants and there are needs. Wants are lusts and desires. “I want a beautiful woman”… “I want a classy chic”… “I want a sexy babe”…. “I want a glittering ebony” All these are wants, lusts and desires. They’re issues of attraction and are largely driven by imagery. Media has a great bearing in shaping our wants – the movies we watch, what we’re exposed to, culturally.

But a man also has needs. And needs are on two levels: custom needs and fundamental needs. By custom needs is meant the qualities of a woman that are good and critical for you in particular. They are determined by your aspiration, your history, your deficiencies, your nature, personality… These needs are not generic to men. They appertain to you. What you need is not what the next man needs. We don’t have the same histories, or aspirations, or deficiencies. We don’t have the same backgrounds.

In choosing a marriage partner young men hardly focus on needs. The reason is because the young man is so full of self belief and bravado he can’t see his deficiencies. He doesn’t even know he has NEED for someone. He just knows he has desires, wants and lusts. And even when his need fulfillment is staring him in the face he’s still preparing to embark on a voyage of discovery. He can’t see the tree for the variegated opportunities in the forest of a thousand flesh. And flesh can be confusing. It comes in hues, shapes and sizes. Nature is prolific. It has sets and sub sets. It is for this and many other reasons that a wise young man should ask God for mercy and guidance in his search for wife. You don’t know enough about life, about yourself, about human nature. You need the talents of a transcendent God. If in choosing a wife the edifice of your decision rests only on the pilaster of anatomical proportions, you won’t need a seer to know that ordinary childbirth can alter the shape of your matrimonial commitment.

Wants don’t and can’t substitute needs. They’re in different streams. Some men need a very simple and tolerant woman. Some need a patient woman. For some it’s a very loving and accommodating woman. For another it’s a prayerful and godly woman. Some men need a woman with nurturing instincts. Some need an enterprising woman. And the truth is that some men need a firm, strong and decisive woman. Or they’ll never make progress. Our needs fulfilment minister to our sustenance, nurture and vision… They plug our deficiencies.

Aside from custom needs however there are the fundamentals. Men can’t do without these fundamentals. The biggest fundamental in a relationship is peace. Without peace there can be no happiness. A lack of peace at home takes away soul peace. The option is depression, preceded by anxiety and fear. Harmony creates peace. And desire for harmony is as important as the harmony itself. That a home lacks peace doesn’t necessarily mean the couple is “fighting”. There may be no quarrel in a home yet there’s no peace in that home. Disagreeability is disharmonious. And two can’t work together except they agree. Couples must have harmony of being. Love creates it. Without harmony of being, a couple will pursue divergent programmes and agenda. The split has begun. If care is not taken the couple will become parallel lines. They can’t meet.

Again, a young man can hardly know how fundamental peace is. No matter how beautiful she is, if she won’t give you peace it’s not worth it. You’ll be in pieces. And so we have three things: wants and lusts, custom needs, fundamentals. It is advisable to consider all three in choosing a marriage partner.

And having chosen choose contentment as well. If you want to be happy in life learn contentment. And if you want a happy and beautiful relationship you must be content with your choice. Even if you marry Miss World there’s always going to be someone more beautiful than your wife. The computational factors employed by nature to achieve creative proclivity is rather variegated. It means there are so many beauty factors that simple combinations can produce confusion in a greedy man. Nose shape, lip shape, cheek bone, height, complexion, size of mammary glands, posterior curvature, size of eyeballs… The combination of these nine factors alone can produce a billion variants of beautiful women. Do the computation! Now factor in education, background, culture, history and you’ll see a wild forest of combinant qualities of attraction. Just how do you think Solomon ended up with 300 wives and 700 concubines? 1,000 women! Now, since you don’t have Solomon’s means I advice you learn contentment. You don’t want his troubles either.

Contentment is a decision. Contentment is about being satisfied and being gratified with the woman you have. There are combinations of things about her that make her unique and incomparable to any other woman. If you don’t learn contentment you’ll become a range rover, roving from hostel to hostel in search of flesh. It’s a matter of time before you graduate to lunar rover, visiting strange terrains and strange women.

A lack of contentment will erode the level of your commitment to your relationship. And the woman will sense it. This will breed insecurity in her. And then comes the emotional flare ups. Or depression. When she’s out with you she’ll be very conscious of your indiscriminate attention to passer-by comeliness. She won’t be okay leaving you in certain companies, corpulent or non corpulent. She becomes a literal bodyguard. And you know how these things are. She’ll begin to monitor your calls, mails and texts. She can’t trust you. You’ve eroded her fragile sense of security, put fear in her. Contentment brother!

If you don’t appreciate what you have you’ll lust after the things others have. Be content.

Your mentor,



© Leke Alder

Tags : Contentment, Needs, Wants

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