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Read Letter

Two Fighting!

Dear Jil, I’m honestly not convinced it’s worth getting into a fight with another woman over a boyfriend. And if you have to get physical to keep your man, there’s a fundamental problem embedded in that relationship. Think.

To be sure, I’m not saying you shouldn’t ward off a circling shark executing a predatory manoeuvre on your man. Men can be clueless. We hardly know when another woman is hitting on us. But a woman knows. And some men actively create a competitive scenario to elevate appreciation, control and affection. It’s an exploitation of the woman’s territorial instinct. But the problem with it is, it can turn deadly and often does! “For where zeal and rivalry are, there are insurrection and every evil matter” the Bible says.

Now, I know such fights are often encouraged, especially by friends – to teach the other woman a “lesson of life”. But according to first principles, getting into a physical fight over a man demeans the concept of womanhood. If only you knew how conceptually powerful God made you – what a compelling proposition you are! Your problem is not outside, it’s inside. The other woman is not the issue. Your man is! He put himself in play. Without him there’ll be no contest. His stance is what gave fuel to her. If he takes himself out of play the interloping buttinsky retains outsider status. You may want to wonder about a man’s commitment to you if you have to fight to keep him.

By the way, I’m also aware some women treat their boyfriends badly and when an appreciative woman emerges, fight! And these girlfriend-girlfriend fights can be gruesome. Let me give you a real life story. Two students of a university in Lagos got into a fight over a boyfriend. From the facts it would seem he had some means – usually that just means a nice job, a nice car, and an apartment. In other words, the two girls might have been fighting over over-rated comfort. The fight soon turned nasty. Spiritual consultants, aka juju men were brought in; malevolent forces deployed. I knew one of the girls. Call her Mary. She was beautiful – statuesque, ebony… Her father donated beauteous genes. Now I know some people don’t believe in the existence of voodoo or the dark arts. Guess the Bible lied then!

Mary ran mad. She became a raving lunatic. Had to be restrained in chains while deliverance was sought. In a matter of months she died. Please note that these contestants were hardly eighteen at this time. You can’t imagine the anguish of a father over his lovely daughter. His life deteriorated from that point on. Was the fight worth it? Obviously not! Was the man worth it? Nah! Not at the cost of your soul! And the man, what did he gain? A dangerous girlfriend; a depraved murderess – a child of Darkness.

Mary breached the fundamental rule of warfare – No man goes to war without counting the cost. She did no cost analysis. Unfortunately she fought against an opponent who was ready to use extremities of means without qualms. Surely the proof of a man’s value is not in the instigation of unhealthy rivalry in women. It’s character. Even if you defeat the other woman, you still haven’t solved your problem. Your man IS the problem. And how many women are you going to fight? You’ll take on thug life, become cantankerous. You’ll lose self.

A young lady wrote me about how she’d invested her all into a young man, until he could stand on his two feet. Now arrived at a comfortable junction, the young man decided she wasn’t worth him any more. That with his new station he stood a better chance getting a more attractive woman. He put himself in play. You hear this kind of stories. Predictably the young woman was most devastated. As was her family. They’d contributed resources to lift the young man up. The simple truth though is, they cast their pearl before swine! The swine will always turn around and rend you to pieces. He’s dumb to the value of a pearl. The bigger question however is, is a swine worth marrying? Should you be struggling for the affection of a pig? God delivered the young woman though I’m not sure she’s fully appreciative of the fact. Can you imagine what it would feel like to realise you married an omnivorous mammal with a flexible snout?

Go for a man who’ll cherish you, who thinks the world of you, who doesn’t want to do without you… Go for a man who’ll appreciate you and boast about your virtues in the company of rational members of society. Go for a man who unintentionally discourages other women by his praises of your virtues. Go for a man who by demeanor and conduct discourages any thought of the possibility of a 3rd party contest for his affection. Go for a man who sees you as a completion of him, who makes you feel safe and secure in his fidelity. Go for a man who’ll place a value on you – the digits of which a calculator will struggle to accommodate. Go for a man who’ll make other women envious of you, forcing them to demand an upgrade of affection from THEIR men. Go for a man who’ll treat you as someone to be adored, and specially cared for.

Avoid Mr. Roving Eyes – the man with insatiable periscopic eyes. Avoid Mr. Hawker. He’ll hawk himself and his parts to other women. Avoid Mr. Prize Bull. He feels he must donate and democratise his semen to a wide variety of women. Avoid Mr. U.N. Diplomat. He’s a specialist in plausible deniability. Can deny your relationship and deny you! Avoid Mr. One Way Traffic. All he wants is sex with you. All roads lead to his couch (or yours). Avoid Mr. Politician. You can’t trust his words or sense of loyalty. No permanent friendship. Just permanent interest. Avoid Mr. Collision Derby. Everything he runs into he wrecks. He’s wrecked several lives. Avoid Mr. Pugilist. He’ll need constant practice. Will turn you into punching bag. When making choices, think about the future.

I wish you good choice, and happiness.
Your mentor,


©Leke Alder 2014

Tags : Boyfriend

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