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Read Letter

50 Shades of Lust

Dear Jil, seems your boyfriend is into kinky sex; he’s you know 50 Shades of Grey. The demands he’s making on you seems to point in that direction. He has a fetishism for hair and smell, that’s why he’s making those demands. He gets offended if you shave any part of you, you say and when you’re together he likes to smell “you”.

He’s actually getting high on pheromones. When he’s high he gets sexually aggressive. It’s why on those three occasions he couldn’t stop himself from trying to violate your agreement on no premarital sex. Though he says he knows what he’s doing I’m not really sure he’s in a position to make that judgment. Your relationship is hardly months old yet it’s so sexually charged I doubt if you’ll be able to keep that vow. Being real.

You say he wants you to send him constant pictures of yourself. The incessancy of the demand is what’s troubling. Young men in love sometimes demand for real time picture feeds but I’m not sure this is so much about love. The picture demands might get more explicit and soon there may be progression to trophies. He may soon start to demand the mailing of certain items of clothing too indecorous for my mention. You’re lucky though that you’re in different parts of town. But aren’t you running a huge risk each time you meet? Going by the contents of your letter this guy may rape you some day. He’s constantly high on pheromones. In the world he inhabits your objections and protestations may actually be read as relish. Paul recommends marriage if you can’t handle sexual pressure in a relationship. He called sexual pressure “burning”, as in burning with lust. If you can’t control yourself marry he says.

Told you God is interested in boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, didn’t I! We’re the religious ones. God is not religious. He’s not too “holy” to discuss intimate details of our existence! Unfortunately you’re still in school. Your parents won’t consent to marriage at this stage of your life. Even if, you hardly know this guy (obviously). Your relationship is inchoate, incipient. You can’t and shouldn’t marry someone you hardly know. Your relationship is just a couple of months old. You can’t even be talking of marriage. Clearly you’re not of kinky sexual persuasion. It’s why you’re having internal conflicts. You’re not exposed in that direction and you’re having trouble reconciling yourself to his increasingly weird demands.

He’s also mandated you to stay slim, not to put on any weight. In future how’s he going to deal with pregnancy? The only reason you’re hanging on to this guy is because he’s the only one who’s paid you any attention in a long time. That’s why you’re yielding to demands you’re not comfortable with. You’re afraid of losing him. I understand. It’s a typical dilemma and it’s faced by many girls. The fear of losing a relationship sometimes makes us accommodating and amenable to unusual demands. Your boyfriend knows you weren’t getting that much attention before he came along and he’s exploiting it. Despite his promises to you he’s going to keep chipping away at your resistance until you succumb.

Don’t believe what a man says with his mouth if his actions say otherwise. Funnily enough your lack of exposure to his world is a turn on for him. He likes the fact he’s breaking you in. The bigger issue though is the issue of sexual compatibility in a relationship. I don’t know how you’re ever going to be able to satisfy this man carnally in marriage. He’s at one extreme- extreme left. You’re right of right. Many times people don’t pay attention to the issue of sexual compatibility in a relationship. That creates tension later. If you don’t have the same taste in sex and don’t share proclivity how’s it going to work? He’s going to be frustrated. He’s going to make demands you’re going to say no to, or acquiesce to with reluctance. That won’t satisfy him psychologically. It sometimes amazes me that dating couples don’t take time to discuss sexual compatibility yet they discuss children! Marriages have been known to break down from the frustration of sexual incompatibility. And how does a man with a liberal disposition towards sex want to marry an ultra conservative woman? The cracks will show up in time and widen with time. Sexual frustration in marriage is a big issue!

If you want to marry someone you want to discuss all subjects- money, babies, careers, beauty, fashion, extended family… If he has religious reservation on a mode of dressing that’s not just about clothes. It’s a life philosophy issue. It’s going to spread beyond ear rings and clothes…to kids’ education, your career, social circles, TV programs… Find out what he wants. Some people want joint account for example, some don’t want it. Don’t be too shy to discuss salient issues like sex. Aren’t you going to be naked with him after marriage? You may not agree on everything but at least put issues on the table. That’s how you craft a compromise.

If you don’t want surprises and unhappiness in marriage you better start broaching certain subjects now. What are his views about family coming to live with you after marriage for example? What is his philosophy of finance? What are his views on the financial role of a wife, about women earnings? What about his views on conflict resolution when there’s a disagreement? Is the resolution mechanism the extended family? You’ve got to have his views on his beloved mama! Does he believe she has an executive role in your marriage? His sisters? You’ve got to have an idea of his ideas about sex. You’re going to have sexual congress in marriage. Young men have fantasies.

A young man who wants to date you and tells you he believes in one night stands is telling you something bigger than obvious. A young man who wants to date you as a divorcee but let it slip he can’t take a divorcee home to mama is saying something. As well as a young man who doesn’t believe in going to church is saying something to you. You better listen. Better to accept people for what they are than to seek to change them. What if they don’t change after marriage? Don’t fall for the myth of you as saviour and converter of souls. The title is already taken.

I say discuss everything… And I mean everything…if you’re going to spend the rest of your life with someone. Certain discussions are too late after the marriage ceremony. Some things should be said before saying “I do”.

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder 2014

Tags : Compatibility, Sex

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