Register here

Register using an email address

Terms & Conditions

Already have an account? Login here

Register using a social network


Login using your email address

Keep me logged in
Forgot your password?

Login using a social network


Read Letter

Happiness in D Major

My dear Jil, you can’t be reliant on your boyfriend for happiness. You can’t be dependent on a man for happiness. And that’s a heavy burden to load on someone. It can’t be fair! No man possesses that kind of capacity- to keep someone happy. It’s an emotional albatross. In a way he literally has to give up his life to tend to your happiness. It’s some form of control on your part. It’s reverse selfishness and it’s dangerous. You’ll never be satisfied. You’re going to end up hating him. And that’s because you’ll be holding him responsible for your unhappinesses.

I’m not saying a boyfriend can’t or shouldn’t bring happiness. A boyfriend SHOULD make you happy. You ought to look forward to seeing him, to get that tingly feeling from expecting his texts, his calls… What is a relationship without happiness? But RESPONSIBILITY for happiness is another thing entirely. It’s a huge MORAL burden to lay on someone. Whoever you lay that responsibility on is going to come up short. Then comes the frustration, anger, hatred and bitterness. O my! I feel sorry for the guy. Don’t you get it? He CAN’T satisfy you! It’s impossible. Because it’s an impossible situation you’re definitely going to end up frustrated. And you won’t understand the source of your frustration. It will be hidden from you. You’re in it. Then you’re going to direct your frustration at him. He’s the one in close proximity. He’ll bear the brunt.

You will define him as your problem and it’s a steep slope from there. A very steep slope. If you can’t discern the purpose for your life you’ll take it out on him… If that course is not going great or the results are not matching imagined desires, you’ll take it out on him… If you go into business and that business is not doing well you’ll take it out on him… If you have issues with your parents and he doesn’t have issues with his you’ll take it out on him… If HE seems to be happy with his life and getting on in life you’ll definitely take it out on him… Being dependent on another man for happiness is a dangerous place to be. You’ll become what no one imagined you’d be, including you. But you won’t care. You’ll feel justification in your anger. And even after you break up (which you almost certainly will) you’ll still hold him responsible for your predicament.

I beseech you by the mercies of God, get out of the emotional dependence mindset. You’re playing with depression. That’s if you’ve not plunged into it already. Debilitating tiredness and lethargy are symptoms. If you’re constantly tired without discernible cause…feeling emotionally drained like a battery… If you always wake up tired, without energy…always irritable and moody… If you keep taking multivitamins and yet have no energy…or if sound irritates you or makes you sick… If it takes five, six hours after resumption of work for your mood to pick up…if you feel like you’re in the doldrums… If you find you lack brain energy to process your thoughts and you periodically blank out… If you’ve been experiencing any of these symptoms you may want to see your doctor, or a psychologist. With the lethal cocktail of emotions inside you, you might be dealing with depression. Depression kills.

You have to take on the moral responsibility for your happiness in a relationship. Indeed you have to take moral responsibility for your happiness in life, no matter the previous chapters of your life. And if you’re in a wrong relationship get out of it. Don’t progress it into marriage. Unhappiness will kill you. That he was the one who deflowered you won’t count when you’re dead. Leave the flower behind or there’ll be one on your grave Without life every justification is mute. David said the dead cannot praise God. Trying to work a relationship that’s not working by force will only lead to frustration, anger and depression. And please don’t go into a bad marriage because you want to please your parents. You’ll pay a horrible price with depression. And you’ll keep paying long after they’re gone. It’s like a mortgage. Your soul is collaterised.

In a state of depression you become a danger to yourself and to those around you. Many suicides proceed from depression. If you feel like killing yourself because you don’t FEEL satisfied in your relationship you’re depressed, see your doctor. Depression amplifies moods, plunges souls into the dark abyss- unfathomable depths of blackness with no walls for echo. When you’re depressed in a relationship your boyfriend will suffer. Either he runs from you or goes into depression too. The arithmetic of combinant depression is misery multiplying misery. Learn to find happiness in yourself. If you’re not happy you can’t give happiness. There’ll be a dark halo on your head.

Relationship with you will be hard. You’ll despise your boyfriend, seeking to punish him with foul mood. You’ll begin to surreptitiously damage his reputation. You’ll invent stories you want to believe though you know they’re untrue. You need an excuse to hate him since there’s no reason. When good things happen to him you’ll be most unhappy. Anyone who gives him happiness you’ll hate. Yet at the end of the day you’ll lose. Everything. That is the danger I’m warning you about. That’s apart from being a wrecking ball in your partner’s life. The damage is always unquantifiable. Find your happiness in yourself. It’s not in any man. It’s in you. The issues of life proceed from the heart. It’s why God tells us to guard our hearts with all diligence. Out of it are the issues of life.

Good advice don’t you think? Guard your heart against darkness.

Your mentor,


© Leke Alder 2014

Tags : Responsibility, Happiness, Depression

Post Your Comments Here