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Read Letter

Personalities and Choices

My dear Jack, I’m not sure it’s advisable to create a generic profile for women. Yes, there are basic commonalities but every woman has her unique identity. Same goes for men. I do concede though that there are broad spectra. Let’s call these spectra personality typologies. But as useful as these personality typologies may be we still have to come to terms with the peculiarities of the individual.

The girlfriend you choose will have her own unique identity. She’ll be different from the girl next door. Such characteristics are produced by a combination of unique factors (combinants produce unique IDs): genes, nurture, environment, exposure, assimilations, associations…All these create personality IDs. Therefore you can’t relate to a woman on a one size fits all philosophy. Reality will bite back at you.

If you have an understanding of the various personality typologies you can modulate your search as well as expectations. But if you don’t understand the personality typology of your girlfriend you will have false expectations. False expectations cannot be met. And when false expectations go unmet in a relationship there’ll be frustrations and fights. There’ll be those flare ups. These will seem inexplicable since they arise at the conclusive end of a realisation. Your girlfriend won’t understand why you’re angry over an apparent nothing! She won’t know the pain condensated in your consciousness overnight from inhalation of deep thoughts. The realisation of the permanent state of a desire that will never be fulfilled will eat into you. Off the top of my head I can think of about 8 female personality types (this is arm chair psychology now): 1). The Sapio Sexual 2). The Home Maker 3). The Stylista 4). The Spiritual 5). The Entrepreneur 6). The Bohemian 7). The Executive 8). The Activist… Each of these has characteristics.

If your girlfriend is sapio sexual it means she thrives on intellectual stimulation. That she feeds off intelligence. Discussions will matter to her a lot. If you’re not intellectually inclined she can’t get deep satisfaction. She’ll want an incisive, inquisitive and insightful mind. Wit, sense of humour, philosophical discussions… There are things you shouldn’t expect from a sapio sexual. She’ll hardly be a “home maker”, as traditionally defined. This categorisation is not saying a sapio sexual is not interested in keeping a family or having a home. No. It’s just saying she’s going to be more inclined towards having an ideas fellowship than a cook in as date. If you don’t understand this you’re going to wonder why she’s not emotionally inclined towards some activities.

A Home Maker girlfriend on the other hand is more inclined towards setting up a traditional home. Wants family. She’ll more likely want more children than the sapio sexual. She’ll cherish family time and gatherings. For the Stylista fashion means a lot. The latest trends, latest bag, latest shoes… She has an innate sense of fashion. She knows how to combine pieces to make a statement. She’ll spend considerable hours on retail therapy. There’s no point getting annoyed she bought another new dress. That’s her! What she wears gives her self esteem, and distinction. Compliments matter to her, a lot.

The Spiritual is of course inclined to attendance of religious programs. Public hols are church going opportunities. Plans for that movie you want to go to will take a back burner to that church program for the weekend. And be ready for the TV to be permanently tuned to Trinity Broadcasting Network. She may live in the realm of faith where everything is a “confession”. The tenses can be confusing. The danger though is that she may be so heavenly minded that she lifts her feet from below. The Entrepreneur is a business woman. Take her for dinner and all she’s thinking about is how to supply the restaurant. She’s independent minded, highly driven, focused on business opportunities. She’s strong!

The Corporate Executive is riveted on organisational attainment. She’s very ambitious, totally committed to her goals. She’ll be gone many weekends attending corporate strategy sessions. The Bohemian is the artistic type. Her hair may tend towards natural or dread. Her home decor will not be traditional. She’ll mingle with her “type”- poets, artists, artistes…host private word and music jams. Alternative lifestyle. May be quirky, even eccentric. She’s not bound by convention, can’t relate to convention. Boring! As for fashion sense, expect artistic expressions- large ear rings, bangles, even turbans… She’s unique. If you want to date her be ready to go to art exhibitions or poetry recitals. Her social circle will be eclectic. Then there’s the Activist. She can’t stand injustice in society. She crusades for the poor. Strong conviction. She has incredible energy, travels a lot, is outspoken. She’s genuinely infuriated by ineptitude in government. You have to accept her fighting spirit. And that energy. She can’t stay in one spot for too long. May go into politics.

Trait dominance (preponderance of inclination) is what determines typology. There’ll be trait mixes of course. No typology is right or wrong. They’re just what they are. What you need to do is determine which typology fits you; and to understand the type of woman you’re drawn to. Why? You must then find accommodation with the natural outflow of her personality. Every personality has a logic. If you love the idea of dating an unconventional woman maybe the Bohemian is who you want. If you’re the traditional type a Home Maker will be better suited to you. The challenge comes when you marry a Bohemian but you have expectations of traditional home making. That’s a mismatch of expectations. Anyway, she’ll find your world boring and you’ll find her’s too close to the edge.

That’s not saying you can’t marry a personality type different from yours. Ever so frequently opposites attract. I’m just saying you have to be accommodating of her traits, and love and accept her for who she is. You should no more expect her to change than she expect you to change. Will amount to imposition. If you understand the basic philosophy undergirding the foregoing, why, choice should be easier for you! I wish you the best.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder 2014

Tags : Responsibility, Choice, Personalities

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