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Dear Jil, let’s talk a little about uncomfortable truths this morning – about this temper thing.

Men are very uncomfortable with temperamental women, and you’ll see why. The man will friend-zone you if you’re temperamental. Which is an irony – a reverse equation. That means he’ll like hanging out with you, but won’t dare commit because he’s afraid of being in a relationship with that temper. In a man’s thinking he can hang out with you because it’s not his problem. It’s your future husband’s problem. And some men will just take off! Can’t handle it. For the alpha male it means you’re incontrollable. Temper is scary to men!

Now, here’s the thing about temper: no one will tell you the truth about you and your temperament, and its implications. Everyone will be scared of telling you the truth. Your temper will thus seem relationship compatible. No one is complaining! And so you won’t understand why none of those guys want to date you. They’ll stop just short of crossing the line. Why won’t people tell you? Because it’s too much agro (aggravation). Requires too much emotional expenditure. No one wants to put himself through talking to someone who can’t listen and who won’t listen! The world view of a temperamental person shuts out correction. That temper makes relationship difficult!

Another reason people won’t tell is because they’re scared of becoming enemies. Your temper may tag them enemies. So you have this self protective hypocrisy going on, people walking gingerly around you, avoiding certain inflections. Your cauldron of magma can boil over at any moment and they don’t want you rude to them. Will destroy the relationship. You’re a great friend to have nonetheless, though difficult. You have your value and you have your use. They’ll call you for movies if they need to take out a friend. But they’re estopped from taking things further. And so they’ll make friends with you but go on to marry someone else. You may become a perpetual wedding planner. Your male friends are not volunteering to take permanent custody of that temper. The men will thus rather relate on a free agency basis than go into marital residency with you.

The reason men are scared of temperamental women is because men are innately wired to desire peace. Moodiness… temperament… controlling tendencies… nastiness… These emotional spectra are anti well being for men. As for controlling tendency, it’s usually borne out of insecurity – the need to take control to avoid hurt.

For some women however, it’s a result of the environment they grew up in. It’s all they know. It’s therefore normative. And those who grow up in the shadow of a domineering father, or pushful mother tend to become them trying to resist them. They know if they don’t push back, emotional imbecility will be thrust upon them. Fear.

Men don’t like being controlled or being dictated to. Something about it insults a man’s sense of worth, his valuation. He’ll resist silently and determinedly. And that’s the most dangerous type of male resistance. You won’t see it. And so it’s not really that men are “scared” of you because you’re an independent woman, they’re just being wise about that temper and that domineering and controlling tendency.

I’ve told you before, men project. That’s the way men think. And it’s not irrational. In fact it’s very rational. A man says to himself, “If she can be this temperamental over this little issue, will I be able to handle her?” Doubt. Or he says to himself, “If she can shout this much over a misdemeanour by her staff, can I handle it!?” Fear. The anger or temperament need not be directed at the man. Just you shouting at your staff can make a man take off. Again, projection. You know those movies in which someone flies off the handle then turns around coolly to say, “What were we saying?” That’s how it comes across. And there’s something about shouting at domestic staff that’s disturbing to men. There’s something about it that removes peace from men. They don’t want to get involved. They resent it. Anything that vitiates environmental peace a man can’t handle emotionally. Men’s peace is not determined by absence of fights. Nagging, moodiness and temperament are peace annihilators. Men can’t deal with MTN – Moodiness, Temperament, Nastiness & Nagging. They either retreat into a safe haven, or run.

If you don’t control your temper you’re going to have a situation in which a man is strenuously trying to date you but can’t! Of course this sends confusing signals to you. The coast is clear and he’s not taking the step! Why?! It’s the temper thing. It’s a barrier. He can’t overcome it. He’ll want a relationship but can’t handle the temper. Actually, in the fellowship of men you’ll probably hear people talk about how wonderful you are! The syllogism is always how kind or caring, or xyz you are, BUT… And that’s a big but. “But” is spelt t-e-m-p-e-r! And that’s how you end up being single past your prime. There are many who want you but… that temper thing!

The thing though is that a temperamental woman feels she has the RIGHT to express herself anyway she likes. Same goes for a temperamental man. He feels he has sovereign right to erupt. It’s power. No considerations. That’s actually affirmed by the Book of Proverbs. A temperamental person utters all his anger, it says. Solomon calls such foolishness however. A wise man holds back anger, stills it, he said. You need control, discipline. Look, I’m trying to be nice. Solomon actually used harsh words for habitual anger. He says a quick-tempered person stockpiles stupidity. Those are his exact words. Here’s another Solomonic: “Fools have short fuses and explode all too quickly.”

If you want to have a relationship, the first thing to get rid of is that sovereign right to fly off the handle. It’s not subject to societal convention or intimate control. Creates grief in a relationship. And that thing temperamental people do: unleashing the fury of their frustration on others? That non discriminatory fury that gives no hoot about history, facts, circumstance or the future, stop it! It destroyed your last relationship. You constantly unleashed the fury of your frustration on the one person who loved you. How wise was that? You lost him! It takes stubborn love or resignation to be in a relationship with a temperamental person.

Solomon is in effect saying that temperament is a lack of discipline – an acute lack of emotional control.

Better put your anger under. It’s a matrimonial hindrance.

Your mentor, LA.

© Leke Alder 2014


Tags : Fear, Temper, Discipline

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