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Read Letter

The Colour of the Door!

Dear Jack, you know I’m sometimes amazed at young people’s protestations of love in the face of incubating tragedy. And I think you’re getting superstitious about your prospects with this lady you’re enamoured with. The stuff about if something is yours it’ll come back to you- it’s unfathomable fatalism. Means you’ll have NO i-d-e-a she’s yours until she’s back. How can a fact confirm a hypothesis retroactively? It’s neither prophecy nor wishfulness, and if wishfulness it’s not definitive. Defies logic or classification.

All that jive is movie stuff and movies last only one and half hours. Your life spans years! It’s no movie. What if it takes her twenty years to come back? Will you put your life on hold for twenty years? And what if she’ll never come back? You won’t know! But that doesn’t matter, does it? Oh, I forgot. Wasn’t meant to be! See, I keep telling you don’t ignore facts when dealing with people. And you have to get rid of messiah complex. The Messiah title is taken. Why would you see obvious trouble and decide to butt your head in? It’s unsolomonic. Why play Spanish style football with your life believing you can somehow work your way out of tight spots? Life is complicated enough. Why go for Gordian knot? Those who made your mistake are ruing their foolishness in older age. You can’t be a foolish youth.

I’m not one given to condemnation as you well know. I don’t want you misreading or misinterpreting what I’m about to write. This lady told you some things you ought to consider. She says she has a consistent track record of infidelity marked with pregnancies and abortions. And barely 8 months into your relationship she sauntered off into yet another relationship, got pregnant and aborted. Spiritual you said. Call it whatever…Psychological problem…spiritual problem…Just note it ends with the word “problem”.

Your girlfriend goes for relationship within relationship, like bracketisation in a mathematical equation. She did return to you after that sexual safari. Surprisingly YOU took things a notch up. You took her straight to your parents, introduced her as your intended. And you got yourself introduced to her parents. It’s almost like deliberately plunging on as catharsis, committing to forestall an impending apparent unpleasantness. You were hurting but you papered over pain with untimely introductions. Now, in what can only be described as inexplicable she’s delisted you from all contact platforms…BlackBerry, YellowBerry, RedBerry, BlueBerry, Facebook, Legbook, Twitter…like you’re the guilty one. She doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. But you “love her against all odds!” I do admire your faith in foolishness.

You must be a bionic man and I hope your heart is as strong as you assume. You think you can save her don’t you? Ok, let’s lay it straight. This lady you’re in over your head with…she’s emotionally unreliable. She’s searching for something, wants something, maybe love within the context of peculiar circumstances…A similitude of that dream gets her carried away. She impulsively embraces it with careless coitus…But then it doesn’t pan out and she seeks a clean slate through abortion. She returns to you as occupational fallback.

Whatever she’s looking for lies outside of you, is beyond you. You’re not it. You’re just a place holder. Does she really know what she wants? Let’s just say she’ll know it when she meets it. If it exists. The computational synchronisation required to fulfill such desires is of a certain order of magnitude. She’s a critical factoid in the equation. Unfortunately she’s a deficient factor. She can’t see that. The whole thing is compounded by religiosity. She feels guilty. Even from the emptiness of unfulfilled desires. Then she feels bad she’s taking you for granted…toying with you. Not easy to combine her disposition with religiosity. She assuages her conscience during an affair by breaking off with you. That way she can’t be said to be cheating!

Now, here’s what troubles me- and if I were you I’ll worry. This lady told you: “I need space right now and if we go on I’ll frustrate your life…But I know with time I’ll know what I want to do with you, just leave me alone.” Obviously she doesn’t see you as substantial quantity. If I were you I’ll take her advice and let her be, permanently! Note she still intends to come back to you. In other words she’s in another relationship within a relationship. The statement, “With time I’ll know what to do with you” is a bit strong and troubling.

You can’t afford this relationship. Not unless you love Greek tragedy. But even Greeks don’t want tragedy. Now here’s how I know you have messiah complex. You said you “don’t want to lose her, and for her not to miss out in the place of destiny.” What’s that?! That if she doesn’t marry you she’ll miss out on her destiny? Don’t get it! Your doctrine is of uncertain provenance. Religion is messing you up. Faith is supposed to liberate you not shackle you. Then you mentioned something about the permissive and perfect will of God. Why, are you grading God’s will?

This is not love, it’s foolishness. You’re trying to force justify a problematic relationship by splitting hairs. Haven’t you heard of, “Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil”? God has provided a way of escape for you but you’re debating the colour of the door. Relationships have trajectories; the trajectory of this “relationship” is very clear. She’ll never be yours.

If you do manage to marry her she’s going to be serially unfaithful to you. And there’ll be issues on paternity. At some point you’re going to feel like a powerless fool. You’ll of course seek to justify your foolishness quoting scriptures on love and destiny out of context. But at some point you’re going to tell God you can’t bear it again. You will cry. And by the time she’s through with you, having decided what to do with you you’ll be a figure of your naivety! You can’t use your life to sort someone else out. Only God has that capacity.

Leave this woman alone!

Your mentor,


© Leke Alder 2014

Tags : Break-up, Hurt

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