Dear Jil, let me state from onset it’s a double jeopardy situation. A “Thus saith the Lord” marriage proposal is. It actually dates back over 35 years in Pentecostal circles. Founded on teachings about submission to the will of God. The language comes from 17th century King James Bible. Lends prophetic gravitas to the proposal. It does suggest God is linguistically anachronistic though. “This is my declaration” says the same thing.
Now, this dude who proposed to you, is he a prophet? He spoke like Elijah, like a prophet sent by God. But here’s my challenge with this method of marriage proposal… And it has many challenges. If you say “No” to this prophetic marriage proposal, isn’t that tantamount to disobeying God? And if you say “Yes”, isn’t that the highway to unhappiness and depression? (You don’t love the man, hardly know him…). You’re thus stuck on the horns of dilemma. A prophetic proposal leaves you no option. It’s either you marry me or you disobey God! It’s a dilemmatic predicament. “No” displeases God, “Yes” carries a huge risk of loveless marriage. And the prospect creates fear – fear of “God’s choice”, fear of disobeying God, fear of unhappiness. God’s word says there’s no fear in love: perfect love casts out fear. How do we reconcile this proposal with scriptures? Why should a marriage proposal generate dread, fear and feelings of condemnation. That’s not God!
Here’s my 2nd challenge with prophetic proposal: Dating and courtship begin AFTER marriage acceptance. Cart before horse. It’s never advisable to agree to marry someone you hardly know. If you marry someone you hardly know, whichever way it swings you’re in for surprises! And that it worked for some doesn’t invalidate the principle of common sense. How about those it didn’t work for? People just bandy anecdotal evidence of longevity of marriages contracted under this system. How about happiness? Longevity is no proof of good marriage. It might be forbearance of long lasting pain. Don’t confuse length with quality.
Another problem about prophetic proposals is that you have to be ready for invalidation of natural preferences. So, if you like slim, tall dudes naturally you must be prepared for the possibility of a short, pudgy guy. Some say if you truly love God then you must trust him about incongruent marital choices. That it’s “for your own good”. The justification for this kind of “leading” is an omnibus clause that God knows what’s best for us. He does, but he gave us freewill. And personal desires. And preferences. Marriage is VERY personal. The principle from the Eden Crisis is that you can’t hang it on God. You’re responsible for the outcome of your marriage.
Should I then be held responsible when God forces a marital partner on me? Aren’t we treading the waters of absurdity! I have searched scriptures for one instance of this prophetic marriage proposal and I can’t find any. And not one example in the New Testament. Our Lord didn’t legislate it. Neither did the apostles.
The oft cited case in support is a far contextually removed analogy with no bearing whatsoever on such proposals. The case study of Prophet Hosea being instructed by God to marry a whore is often cited as basis for command marriage. God had told the prophet, “Find a whore and marry her. Make this whore the mother of your children.” (Hosea 1:1-5). And God told us why: “This whole country (Israel) has become a whorehouse, unfaithful to me, God.” It was highly symbolic. Even at that the prophet still had a choice of whore. He picked Gomer. God didn’t specify whore. And do you think the Prophet told the whore, “Thus saith the Lord…” Imagine saying that to a prostitute? And anyway, you’re no whore. If these people are so enamoured with the Hosea case study they should go marry a whore.
And why is the preponderance of these prophetic proposals directed at pretty girls? Hosea’s case study is one of a kind. There is no other such case study in the entire Bible. It’s prophetic dramatization. In the 4,000 years of Adamic history recorded in the Bible, there’s not one example of “Thus saith the Lord” marriage proposal.
Am I saying the Spirit of God can’t LEAD you on whom to marry? Of course he can, as he does in EVERY circumstance. But God works in you by natural means. He creates natural desire in you: “For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” (Philippians 2.13). You will naturally fall in love, become fond of someone… That’s how God works. It’s not artificial. God is not against love!
Another problem with prophetic proposal is the subject of prophetic proof. Who judges the prophecy? If the test of prophecy is fulfillment then the whole thing becomes a self-fulfillment system requiring your Yes as proof! Strange. And surely such proposals create enormous pressure. Imagine the “Not my will” prayers. Then there’s the challenge of socially incongruent matches. The system has a high potential of generating such.
I know what I’m saying challenges certain beliefs and conventions, but I’m not one afraid of telling the truth. We think keeping the truth from people will prevent them from licentiousness, yet Jesus advocates truth as knowledge. He must know what he’s talking about. You shall know the truth and the truth will set you free, he said. Really, what’s wrong with just being honest and telling a lady you’re attracted to her? Must it be garbed in spiritualism? That’s not saying all those who proposed under such economies were not genuinely motivated. It’s a case of received teaching, or the prevailing convention in a local religious community. In other words, culture. And God is accepting of marital cultures, as long as they’re not abhorrent. There’s also Christian culture.
An alternative and safer convention is to go on dates, to get to know the man who’s interested in you. Direct knowledge. A simple conversation over fish and chips can yield great insight. Watch out for nuances. Gather enough data to make a sound judgment. This is your life we’re talking about. Marriage is not a ceremony. Going on a date is NOT commitment. No one can force you to the altar. You’re not under compulsion. Of course you pray and ask God to guide you, as you should in all things.
And please be careful about hearing voices. God gave you a brain, and commonsense. And he also gave you lips to pray. And a heart to perceive. Use them all.
Your mentor, LA.
© Leke Alder 2014