Dear Jack, a smile flitted across my face as I read your mail. The conundrum you’re facing is what I call the Vanity-Charity syndrome: do you date your vanity or date love? Or as you put it, there’s this medical doctor… and there’s this other girl who’s not a medical doctor. Who should you date? And while some will scoff at your question, the truth is, it’s an issue young men are often confronted with.
There are many variants: Do you marry rich Dupe who’s well established, or do you marry Charity? Do you marry Helen the beautiful singer… or do you marry Charity? Do you, an entrepreneur, marry Tayo whose father is chairman of a PLC… or do you marry Charity? Or, do you marry Janet the Harvard graduate, or do you marry Charity?
For a woman, it may be: Do I marry Chuks the rich guy… or do I marry most loving John? Or do I marry Davido music star… or do I marry devoted and loving John? Choice is not always easy. It can get complicated with things like lust, desire, ambition and vanity. Many times emotions, ambition and vanity make up our minds for us, not reason. Economists tell us man is not rational. He would rather not make losses than make gains.
Clearly to you, boasting you married a medical doctor is a big deal… In the same way that marrying a university graduate can be a big deal for a man denied formal education in life. Social recognition means a lot to men. It’s why we boast about cars… and how beautiful our wives and girlfriends are. It’s why a men’s club is one of the most carpeted environments. Everyone drops names on the floor. And it’s what drives men to buy what they can’t afford… Just to impress the world. You require a lot of ego discipline not to fall into the trap of manhood. Ego is man’s nativism. Men peacock.
But let’s reason together on the qualifications of a wife. I am not sure the ability to dissect a cadaver is qualification for wife. Neither is the ability to diagnose flu or malaria a qualification for wife. As much as you like the idea of a doctor wearing a stethoscope, lets be honest she won’t wear one at home. The idea of a sexy skimpy nurse or doctor must remain in the fantasy world of Anne Summers. I can imagine you introducing this young woman in your fantasy… Meet my wife, Dr. Bisi. Medical doctor, LUTH… But fantasies don’t auto-transpose into matrimonial bliss.
The ability to treat a patient is different from the ability to treat a man right or well at home. The qualifications for medical doctor are not the qualifications for wife. A doctor wife is not the same as wife doctor. That she’s a fantastic singer in the choir doesn’t mean you will sing the same tune at home. You don’t marry a doctor, or choir member… You marry a wife who happens to be a doctor or singer. This differentiation is critical or you’ll make a major mistake in life. People often mistake qualifications out of context and so arrive at wrong matrimonial decisions. That she’s a good pediatric doctor doesn’t mean she’ll be a good mother.
Don’t marry your vanity, marry charity. If you’re sick would this person take care of you? If you’re in trouble would she be your friend and stick by you? If you come home would you have peace? If you feel lonely would she comfort you? If you need a confidant, can you trust her? If you’re feeling sad, does the thought of her bring you joy? When life has dealt you a blow do you feel she’s your compensation in this world? These are the kind of questions you ought to be asking yourself. And as you can see the questions have nothing to do with stethoscope, or acetamenophen or novocaine… If like you say in Nigeria she’s “wife material” and ALSO a good medical doctor, great! Then you have vanity and charity. But if she’s a good medical doctor but not “wife material” there’s k-leg.
But the primary things in a matrimonial quest are the matrimonial capacities of one’s intended. Trust me, if she’s under-capacitated as a wife when the troubles begin you won’t remember her stethoscope! It’s like the beauty/wife conundrum. If she’s beautiful but nasty you’ll come to a fast realization of one of Solomon’s deductions: Beauty is vain.
The things that are important in a marriage are love, peace and happiness. If she won’t give you love, peace or happiness what’s the point of marriage! Does she love me should be a very important question in the consideration of marriage. I know there are theories we can marry ANYBODY but commonsense should tell us not to stake our future on this pedestal. Love is important in a marriage. Very important. Very, very important. Very, very, very, important. All the things we want, love will do as a matter of course. And really, what is marriage without love?
So I ask like the average Nigerian young man, “Is she wife material” or she’s just a medical doctor? The decision as always is yours, afterall, you’re going to live with her… For a very, very, long time.
Your mentor,
LA.
© Leke Alder 2014