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Read Letter

Titilations of Affirmation

Dear Jack

Look I know there’s all that stuff about wanting to make a woman want you and need you. Women have their own variant too. Indeed both sexes attempt the feat by withholding affection.
Sometimes it’s withholding of expression of affection, and it all gets manipulative, robbing a relationship of sincerity. What many have not realized is, whatever you want in a relationship is what you’ve got to give. By the time you’re reverse manipulating affection you lose the most important ingredient in affection: Affection must not only be sincere, it must be willingly given for it to retain its essence. If you coerce affection out of your partner you must wonder at the quality of what you’re manufacturing.

One mindset seeks to keep a woman on her toes by making her feel insecure. It’s a polygamist’s logic. He sponsors competing affections in women who duel it out. And the consequences can be terrible. You’ve got to be very careful about breeding insecurity in your wife. The consequences are so dire it’s not something any man should toy with. Everyone pays when you take your marriage in that direction. Everyone. She’ll pay, your children will pay, you’ll pay – heavily! You can’t escape payment.

You’ve probably seen the consequences from some marriages; it’s just that you might not have made the connection. Insecurity can breed high blood pressure. Why induce such health hazard? Insecurity can lead to depression. That’s an area you don’t want to be responsible for. Only a psychiatrist can explain the gravity of depression. There’s hardly any suicide without depression. You don’t want to be responsible for someone’s death do you? Being an accessory to suicide is not something you can wash off your conscience easily. It’s a tough stain. Even without the suicide bit depression is horrible. It’s not a line people should cross. Some never recover. You really don’t want to be the cause of someone’s depression. You don’t!

If your wife is completely debilitated in the morning, her energy level low, that may be a sign. Watch it! Fainting spells, lack of appetite, inability to function… All are signs. You don’t want your wife going through these. Sometimes the consequences take time to manifest. By the time they manifest a major damage has been done. In extreme cases insecurity leads to stroke. And in some cases mental illness. And sometimes it’s a one, two punch: first the mental illness and then the stroke. There’s a limit to which you can push the mind. Beyond a certain point it begins to malfunction, or breaks.

Fear has torment. You can’t put your wife under a regime of fear or constant threat of fear. You’re tormenting her. A marriage should be full of love and affirmation, not torment. Marriage is the closest union you can ever attain in life. Nothing comes close to it. And it’s covenanted. That’s why the happenings in marriage are potent. You can’t get closer than marriage to inflict harm on someone. Dial back if you find your marriage going down this path. It’s a very expensive route. Your job as a husband is to plug the insecurities of your wife not exploit it. And like I told you it’s not a wise course to follow.

You should affirm your wife constantly. The more you affirm her the more she blossoms. And the more she blossoms the more love and peace you’ll have at home. The more she blossoms the more beautiful she’ll look. She’ll have a peace about her, radiant. If she’s looking haggard, harassed and unkempt we may want to see the level of affirmation you give her. When she dresses in the morning tell her you like her look. That’s affirmation. As she wakes up in the morning make her feel loved with simple gestures. That’s affirmation. It’s terrible when those we love refuse to affirm us. Makes us crave affirmation from the outside. Talk to her constantly about how much she means to you. That’s affirmation. And if you’re in the habit of thanking God for her, let her know you have such discussions with God. It’s affirmation. Anything that will make her feel insecure be careful about. Handle delicate topics with tact and wisdom. Be careful what you say to her, and how you say it. Words mean a lot to a woman.

There are words you shouldn’t use in connection with your wife. Words like ugly, or other variants of harshness. The nature of men is completely different from that of women. Don’t judge her by your emotional standard. Remember Peter advised you dwell with her with knowledge. You’ve got to know your wife and her nuances. There are things peculiar to her. And you can’t even judge her by the standards you know. She’s not your sister. You will have differences. Even Siamese twins have differences. You’ve got to accept that fact. She may not be very much interested in what you’re interested in. What matters is the love you have for each other.

Forget all those mechanistic compatibility formulae from dating sites. That’s a program. Dating sites assume you should have shared interests. And so they tell you to list your interests. But reality is far from that. Reality is not mechanistic. Look at successful marriages around you. The man may be a soccer freak and the woman may not even know what penalty is. She may think penalty is a clause in a finance contract. She’s right, you’re right! How can she understand why 22 grown men are chasing a small leather ball all over a pitch for over one hour! There will be areas of convergence, things you both love doing. They may not be those dating site items.

Love your wife. Affirm her. Believe in her. Support her. Allow her be. That’ll be my advice to you. The opposite should not be contemplated. It’s not just costly but deadly.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |


Tags : Marriage, Affection, Affirmation

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