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Read Letter

25kg of Emotions

Happy New Year! Madam says to say hi! Yes, I read the comment posted by the gentleman but it still goes back to false definition of manliness.
The vision of manhood sold to us is essentially that of a Marlboro Man, though progressed. He’s a cowboy with 3-day old stubble, wears a stylized squint with regulatory cowboy heart. He barely grunts at life. He really has no need of anybody. He’s quick on the draw, ready to pull the trigger at the slightest hint of provocation. He lives in the wild side of life, in the outback of cold emotion. He finds it hard to form any emotional attachment. His emotion is frozen like frozen yoghurt.

In some versions of the guy he’s cruel to babes. He doesn’t want any emotional entanglement. He’s a wicked heart-breaker who lives in Heartbreak Motel down Depression Avenue. Women are all about sex to him and he treats women like disposable razors. He’s a tough cowboy dude – no mercy, no tears, no goodbyes. The truth is, this dude is an emotionally troubled individual. He lacks emotional health.

He does all those stuff to avoid dealing with emotions. He can’t handle emotions. That’s why he is not empathetic or sympathetic. He can’t deal with emotion, runs from it. Dig a little further and you’ll discover this gentleman has a conflicted relationship with his mum or dad. That’s the story that never gets out and that’s why you have to be careful about the life models you choose. Dad might have been the irresponsible type who punished mum and the children with his disposition. Or mum might have been the very selfish type who thinks only of herself and is lacking in maternal instinct. And so the guy seeks to form a bond with his mum but he can’t. She’s not the type. She’s his biological mum not his nurturing agent. That title went to another woman. Sometimes it’s the grandmother and sometimes it’s a girlfriend. And so the healthy emotions that should have developed in a nurturing bond never materialized.

The dude is afraid. He’s afraid of exposing his emotions, lest someone take advantage of him. He trusts no one, guards his emotions. Kind of reminds you of the lead character in Goodwill Hunting? Unfortunately the graces bestowed upon him attract the opposite sex. Even his emotional unavailability. He can’t deal with those consequences and so restricts relationships to no fuss sexual banality.

Meanwhile his girlfriend wants more, and doesn’t understand why he can’t give more. She’s going to suffer immensely under this emotional regimen. We suffer anguish of soul when what we want doesn’t want us in return. It’s an unbalanced emotional ledger. The concurrence of his emotional obtusenesses can only create harm in a correspondent lover. Is this your definition of manliness? Emotional constipation…Lack of emotional health and balance? Such a man will carry a crushing heavy load. He can’t unburden himself to someone, can’t trust anyone. He equates emotion with weakness and associates it with shame. He doesn’t want to be perceived as needful. Yet we’re all emotionally needful. The Manufacturer made us so. He made us emotionally dependent.

Emotion is a demand and supply equation. It’s why we naturally seek for a partner- someone to share ourselves with. A relationship is a dependency: I depend on you, you depend on me: together we release the power of the binary. It is a falsity to imagine a “man” as someone without feelings or emotions. That is a very troubled man. That’s not saying we shouldn’t control our emotions. We do need emotional control. But contextual control of display of emotion must not be confused with invalidation of the faculty of emotion.

Manhood is not emotionlessness. It is not a lack of empathy. A man lacking in empathy is psychopathic. Manhood means responsibility. The responsibilities of manhood include provision and protection. Even the Holy Book insists a man must provide for his family. Or he’s worse than an infidel. We can deduce from this that a real man is a man of faith, or the irresponsible will not be equated with a faith denier.

Then there is the self-regulation component of manhood. A “man” is self-regulated. Sowing your oats all over is hardly the definition of manhood. You may be sowing high yield seeds. And self-control negates verbal incontinence. Also implies confidentiality – secrets must be safe. An incontinent man will always be lacking credibility on issues of loyalty and discretion. If you keep broadcasting confidences no one is going to put trust in you.

Then there’s maturity. You can hardly be called a man if you’re immature. That is self-evident. Thoughtlessness is a signpost of immaturity. Inability to hold an issue-based discussion without recourse to abuse or emotional tantrum is also a sign of immaturity.

And very important to the definition of manhood is leadership. Leadership requires courage. A leader stands for what he believes. He’s not lacking in conviction. And so the idea of man as one who cannot tell his girlfriend he loves her is hardly the definition of manhood. That you express your feelings sentimentally does not make you less a man. In fact you’re more the man. Neither is the definition of manhood the man who, though in trouble and needful cannot ask for help.

It’s important for you to be emotionally healthy. That means you must be able to experience ranges of emotion and express them.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Love, Life, Emotions

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