Dear Jack, I hope you know this girl is playing you. Of course you know she has a boyfriend. At best you are an hypotenuse to an evolving triangular equation, an adjunct consanguineous addendum. I know you’ve made a heavy move on her. She’s pretty. But she’s also very self-aware and deliberate in approach. What worries me is the basis of your strategic pursuit of this inamorata, the means you’re employing
You want to win her affection using money. I hope you have enough to sustain your frontal assault. It’s good to buy gifts in an affectionate pursuit. Solomon afterall said kindness makes a man attractive. But I don’t think exchanging money for affection is a wise way to go. I’ve seen too many of these cases. The day the money stops flowing the relationship becomes endangered.
There’s of course the big question of whether she loves you, or loves your gifts and money. My worry is that you’re not a millionaire. You’re a salary earner. How do you intend to continue? And you’re hardly settled down as a young man yourself. You need a lot of what you’re spending. The sums you’re spending is only relative to the impecunious state of her subsisting boyfriend. I hope a big gorilla won’t come and knock you off your perch after all the money you’ve spent. She’s all about money. Without a doubt someone with bigger money will do injustice to you if you keep on in this path.
And you still don’t know if you’ll get her… whether she’s just using you… Of course she’ll keep stringing you along, even if she has no intention of dating you. You’re a financier after all. And you’ve bought her some cool gadgets – the latest being the latest iPhone. Who doesn’t want cool gadgets! If it works out and you eventually get her I wish you well, but I hope your victory won’t be pyrrhic. That word pyrrhic comes from the name of king of Epirus, Pyrrhus. He sustained heavy losses defeating the Romans.
You need to ask yourself if this budding romance is genuine or contrived. If contrived, you’re setting yourself up for heavy financial loss and disappointment. I think it’s important a relationship is genuine, and not artificially sustained. Does this lady really want ME is a question you need to ask yourself, or is it that primal hunting instinct in men that is at play in you, that you must win her hand? Note that winning her hand is not the same as winning her heart. The heart may belong somewhere else. If she “crosses over” to you, will the other boyfriend still be lurking in the background? Is he her real love? He’s spent less than you, though I suspect he’s paying subscription as well.
The only reason you have her attention now is because you’re a higher bidder than the boyfriend. She’s getting financing from two sources. Watch out though, both of you may lose her to that gorilla. She’s made it very plain the kind of man she wants, and the kind of relationship she’ll like. And her primary asset is that beauty. It’s worked so far, and may work for yet some time.
I know it’s going to be hard to talk some sense into you now. You’re so tunnel-visioned. Young men can be that way. They get all carried away by the pursuit of a relationship with a pretty babe. You’re on Cloud 9 and not thinking. That’s okay. It’s a rite of passage. We’ve all been there… That latest girl in class, the pretty girl down the street, the first “lit” party in secondary school, the hanging out on the balcony so she sees you from across the street. She’s hanging out on a balcony too. She’s the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen, and she’s given you provisional invitation. There’s that ecstasy from being able to open up a conversation with her. We’ve all been there!
Young men always race ahead. I know you’ve already seen yourself married to her. And you’re constructing scenarios in your head; little pieces of conversations, short clips of movie scenes. There you are at the dining table after marriage. That’s a movie clip right there. Then there you are as you’re about to get into your car, giving her a goodbye kiss. Another movie clip. It’s this racing ahead that makes young men presumptuous during preliminary engagement with a lady. Young men race to the altar in their imagination when the love “shacks” them, like they say in Nigeria. And that’s all okay. Such scenario planning and imaginings makes for healthy emotional development.
Young men start imagining such scenarios from primary school; goes all the way to university and post-university. And when the relationship clicks the young man is in rapture, even though he doesn’t really know the girl. It’s why one-month courtships can be dangerous. You’re living the scenarios in your head not reality. And a young man can be so caught with all those movie clips he’s directed in his head he can’t see stark truth. May God be merciful to us when it comes to relationships! The potential for mistakes is so huge. It’s why integrity of heart matters in pursuit of a life partner. The integrity of the upright preserves them Solomon says. You don’t want to fall in love with the wrong person through your delusions. Slow down… just a little.
Beyond her beauty what else is there? If she lacks character, or proves a dangerous woman you won’t remember that beauty. The beauty will be dangerous if she’s diabolic. You’ll be battling to save your life. Is this young lady manipulating you? And you have to be honest with yourself in answering that question. As men, our vanity sometimes overtakes our reason. Would she make you a good wife? Your heart knows the answer to that question. Consult it. The heart always knows the answer no matter the pressure mounted on our will by our stupidity. Maybe you’ll pay attention to what I’m saying when you come down from the mount of transfiguration. In the meanwhile, take it easy. Like I said, we’ve all been there.
Your mentor, LA
© Leke Alder | talk2me@lekealder.com