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Read Letter

Do Bad Guys Get Good Girls?

My dear Jil, yeah I read your mail and was a little disturbed by a statement you made. You said, and I quote, “Bad guys get the good girls!” That’s a dangerous article of faith you’ve stated there and I do hope you don’t believe you’re fated for difficulties. And in any case, there are so many good girls who got good guys, and so many good girls getting good guys. Just as there are many good guys who got good girls, and many good guys getting good girls. By the very nature of statistics there will of course always be an anomaly. There will be some bad guys who get good girls. Just as there will be many bad girls who get good guys, but those are probabilistic issues not rules. And even if the anomaly becomes the rule you must be the exception.
I suspect that most likely the good girl who goes for a bad guy is looking for adventure. Or is well deceived, or willful, or clueless and naive, or wonderfully ignores facts wearing red loin cloth like a West African deity. Whatever the case, it is not a fatalistic fact that bad guys get good girls. Sometimes people confuse desire for adventure with desire for husband. The young girl looking for thrill has to realize adventure is a terminal experience, but a husband is a human continuum. The adventure will end sooner or later, but the human continues. You’re stuck with him long after the thrill ride ends. Marriage is a total package. When you marry a man you marry his history, flaws, character, disposition, capacities and capabilities. You can’t marry an adventure, you marry a human. When the adventure is over, the man is left. Can you live with the man devoid of the adventure he offers? Now that is a question. And that question is tormented by case studies of so many young girls who were abandoned once pregnant. The adventurers they dated didn’t fathom pregnancy into the equation. They just wanted hot chicks. A bulging tummy is hardly the image of a hot chick! They can’t handle it. And if he’s the type who’s been watching too much MTV, it will be hard for him to reconcile the bulging tummy. The video vixens on MTV, the ones in white bikini on a yacht, “parrying” all night… they don’t have bulging tummies. Of course there’s a lot of champagne, and even more beautiful girls, everyone in bikini and umbrella hats… There’s an assortment of cocktails, guys in bling clutching their crotches like they need assurance… The guys wear standard issue sunshades. Ray Ban is de rigueur. The music blares at impossible decibels… There’s of course the babe in yellow bikini, long lashes and long legs. There’s always one! Well, I’ve got news for you. That’s MTV, not reality. In the real world people don’t party all day and all night. They have to go to work to make the money. Agriculturists haven’t succeeded in making it grow on trees. The musician whose video it is must himself have spent many a night recording the song. The video too. To the fan watching on TV, men, that is life! But for the people in the video, that was work! They were at work. I’m just trying to show you those things ain’t real, and if you think it is, you’ve got to wonder at your intellect. And if you think you’ll marry a guy and all day and all night you’ll “parry”… I smile in French.

No, it’s not that bad guys get good girls. It’s the fact that some good girls choose to marry bad guys. Some are so naïve they believe they can change a man. Again I laugh, this time in Italian. God spent 40 years with some blokes in the wilderness and not one of them changed after seeing impossible miracles. If God couldn’t change those hearts, even with razzmatazz miracles, how come you think you can do better than God? Yes, marriage rounds off the rough edges of a man, polishes and brings out the best in him… But marriage is not a transformation agenda. Always better to assume the man you’re dating is the one you’ll be married to. You and your boyfriend obviously belong to different parties in this relationship. You belong to the party of change, he belongs to the continuity camp. You have to assume continuity of what you see before you after marriage. What if he doesn’t change? It’s when we hope for change after marriage that disappointments and frustrations come. That’s not saying he can’t change, or won’t change. But for planning purposes it’s better to assume the boyfriend you’re dating is the husband you’ll have. No wise person marries a dream or a wish. You marry the reality in front of you. If you can’t accept him for who he is, don’t marry him. If you can’t love him for who he is, don’t marry him either. Now we hope for miracles, but if he’s a girlfriend beater chances are he’ll be a wife beater. We hope for miracles, but if he’s a financially reckless boyfriend, chances are he’ll be a financially reckless husband. We hope for miracles, but if he’s a philandering boyfriend, chances are he’ll be a philandering husband. If you won’t accept the facts of your boyfriend you’re going to be disappointed with the facts of your husband. Stop clutching at relationships that give you grief like a demoniac clutching at illusion at Gadara. The signs are always there because God is kind to all.

To be sure, there are also good guy good girl relationships that don’t work. They may not gel. If you don’t love him don’t marry him. You’re incubating generous grief. The Bible prescribes two types of relationship love. The first is dutiful love, as in “Husbands love your wives.” The second is emotional and sentimental love. The type we read about in Song of Songs. Both dutiful love and sentimental love must be present in marriage. Ignore those who say otherwise. They both have roles. The masquerade has taught his son to dance. Post tuition performance is left to the junior masquerade.

Your mentor, LA

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Dating

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