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Read Letter

No Appetite For Sex

Jack, something is bothering you and you need to discuss whatever it is with your wife. You can’t be having irregular sex with your wife at wide intervals and not expect her to wonder why. It’s usually the men who complain of not enough sex but in your instance it’s your wife complaining. You’re away from town on your job all week, sometimes all month. That’s your life as an oil-rig engineer. It makes sense therefore that when you come home, it will be a fun-filled and sexually fulfilling weekend. But the sex in your marriage is almost quarterly now, like a corporate account. That can’t bode well for a young marriage.

If you don’t address the issue early there may be danger in the horizon. You’re breeding insecurity in your wife. She’s thinking maybe there’s another woman satisfying you when you’re away. That’s a temptation for you of course. Physical distance can pose a danger to a young marriage. Without discipline you may find yourself in the bosom of another woman; and if that is the case here your guilt and conscience may be the roadblocks to intimacy with your wife. If indeed that’s the situation you’ve found yourself in then you’ve got to clean up your act and get out of it.

Living only for immediate pleasure generates long-term issues. Let me use a driving analogy. If while you drive you can’t see beyond the car in front of you, you’re going to pose a danger to other road users. Means you can’t anticipate problems and so will force those behind to resort to emergency measures to avoid collision. You’ll cause accidents. You’ve got to think of the larger traffic context when you drive. It’s why we have several mirrors. We can analogize life with this traffic illustration. We can’t see further than the car in front of us if all we think about is immediate gratification. In not seeing the larger picture, not thinking long term we pose a danger to ourselves, our future and others. We can’t anticipate dangers ahead, or obstruction ahead, or that crazy driver coming from a side lane; and those who don’t care about traffic rules, have no respect for other drivers and passengers. Life is full of those.

To bring the analogy home, there are women who won’t care about your marriage, your wife or civil convention. All they want is what is in front of them. All they want is what they want – you! Being away from home for most of the month can make you prone to such women. You’re lonely. In seeking to ameliorate your emotional and physical loneliness you stand in danger of violating your marriage vows. It’s important you’re realistic about yourself as a man. Not to acknowledge these dangers is hubris, even stupidity. Life will whack you in the face so hard you won’t know your way home. That’s how many men ended up with kids out of wedlock. Some ended up with extra undisclosed family. It’s why I don’t support professional transfers that separate families for significant periods. It’s dangerous to the man and his home, and has a huge potential to wreck his family. Businesses and establishments must be family conscious. The home is key. It’s so critical.

There are two other reasons I can think of for sexual disinterest in your wife. (I’m just ruminating on possibilities here). One is medical, and there are two categories of medical. The problem may be congenital – you’ve had it from birth. A typical example is an undescended testicle. That will cause a lot of pain during sex and you risk cancer if it’s not aggressively hunted down. If that’s the problem let your wife know. It’s not your fault. If you’re missing a testicle it’s a possibility.

The other possibility is a social disease e.g. gonorrhea, or worse. In which case you slept with someone not your wife and contracted this disease. Which will explain why you don’t want to sleep with your wife. You don’t want to infect her. The most sensible solution really is to come clean. It won’t be pleasant. A lot depends on the makeup of your wife. You’ll need to repent, show remorse, beg her. She may not understand as a woman but she may understand as your wife. You have to hope and pray for that understanding, and appeal to the love she has for you. You may need to sleep on the couch for some time though. But you need her to face the challenge. It’s worse if you and your wife had sworn to be celibate until your wedding night and you broke the promise. And as is common with such, you just happened to have slept with the wrong girl. Satan sets up people that way. Sets you up with the ovulating or diseased woman. And just that one time, GBAM!

Again you’ve got to swallow your shame and talk to her. She’s your wife, your best friend. Hopefully she’ll find it in her heart to forgive you though it may take some time. She’ll need to reconfigure her faith in you and the relationship. Betrayal is tough for women. It erodes self-worth, makes her question herself mercilessly in remorse. She’ll wonder what she did wrong and the other woman did right. It makes a woman feel helpless. If she finds out by herself it will be worse. She won’t understand why you kept it from her. And the longer you hide it the worse it will be. Concealment then becomes a secondary charge against you.

The only other reason I can think of is that you’re losing interest in your spouse. She no longer excites you physically. That can be occasioned by constant exposure to the kindness and physical qualities of another woman. You’ll need to arrest that drift. It’s a drift. Your wife is your wife. A firm decision will make that “clear”. It’s why you put your wife’s picture on your desk in the office, why you carry her picture with you in your wallet. You’ve got to keep staring at your wife’s picture when you’re away (I’m being pragmatic). You’re a visual entity. Put her on your phone, use her as DP, keep in constant touch, text her daily, call – listen to her voice… For men absence does not make the heart grow fonder, it makes it look for an ameliorating substitute. Leave no gap in your marriage. Plug the loopholes. Constancy of communication and interaction matters. Of course some supermen will disagree with all this, especially those highly evolved “spiritual” entities. Until life teaches them a hard lesson; and the vain janglings become a hush and a whimper. I’m just saying there’s a way forward for whatever the issue is. Some routes are of course unpleasant and difficult, but they’re better than none.

Your mentor, LA

N.B. If there are other causes of the sexual disinterest in your wife, the same principles apply.

© Leke Alder |

Tags : Marriage, Sex

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